What, you thought Hostess would let you down? No way. Shown above is just a small sampling of the bakemassa's holiday offerings. Some are brand spankin' new, others are simple revamps of familiar favorites. Obviously, all of this crud is only available in December -- once January hits, everything's thrown to the clearance racks and you've gotta fight frugal old bats for stale cupcakes. Do it the right way. If you want a holiday Hostess snack, get it before it's out of style.

Some of you might remember Hostess' Halloween assortment, ranging from "Scary Cakes" to "Globalls." For the most part, they were a little more festive than what we've got for Christmas, but that's just nicking pits. If you like your sweets with a dash of Santa, you can't go wrong with the Twinkie People.

First up, Hostess' "Holiday Cakes." You know the drill. They're basically the same as they've always been, 'cept now it's all angel food. No chocolate for you. The luscious creme filling remains intact, and each cake is topped with vanilla icing covered in holiday sprinkles. While the general assumption about everything Hostess is that it's absolutely terrible for you, I was surprised to find that these Holiday Cakes were no worse than most of the other crap we've reviewed this month. I'm not saying they're "good" for you, but eating one of the cakes just isn't terrible enough to warrant following it up by standing in front of a mirror spouting disbelief over what you just ate. Besides, it's Christmas. You're supposed to be fat on Christmas.

Ah, so obvious, and yet, still so perfect. Hostess "Snoballs" now reflect their name perfectly, with pure white coconut skins. They're just the same in taste and texture as the more typical pink varieties, but somehow, you don't feel quite so much like an idiot while eating 'em. If Hostess ever discontinues Snoball production due to poor sales, I hope nobody chalks it up to an assumed bad flavor. Nuh uh. It's just that no guy wants to wander up to the register at a crowded deli carrying those pink puffs of womanhood.

I used to think that everyone "skinned" their Hostess Snoballs for the sheer fun of it. It probably has more to do with concealing the girly evidence. Though the holiday version won't last long, it's nice to finally hold a Hostess Snoball without waiting for someone to beat me up. Added bonus: of all the Snoball varieties we've seen over the seasons, this version looks the most like an unformed baby mogwai. Anyone out there looking to make a low budget "Gremlins 3?" Here's your prop. Probably costs the same to cast Zach Galligan, while you're at it.

Ho Ho HO WAIT these things are exactly the same. Yes, Hostess "Ho Ho's" are absolutely unchanged, save for an extra "Ho" thrown into the title. Same chocolate/creme swirl, same everything else. They didn't even add sprinkles. I'd call foul, but the excuse to ask if "anyone wants a Ho Ho Ho" was certainly enough to make the beasts passable.

Here's the best of the lot -- Hostess' "Holiday Fruitcakes." Yes, they make fruitcakes. And good God, they're unbelievable. There were always fruitcakes present during my family's Christmas celebrations, but fuck me if I ever saw anyone eat the stuff. I know it's a cliche and all, but really -- it's a true cliche. The fruitcake has to be there, even if nobody touches it.

Whether you're a fan of the fruit or not, I'm not so sure you'll be able to deal with this particular variety. Insanely juicy and compacted, the syrup-ridden mess weighs in at about thirty pounds and is durable enough to sustain 400' drops off large buildings. And that's no theory -- it's been tested and proven.

It's truly indescribable, but I'll try. Kinda looks like a giant, sloppy version of one of those solidified bird seed sticks, just with more colors. With all the candied fruits and nuts, it's by far the least healthy of any Hostess serve-up I've seen. Though the package insists that the cakes should be kept refrigerated, the one shown above has been sitting out all month. Guess what -- it was still brick hard.

I had to switch to a sharper knife just to break through the outer layer. While performing these many experiments to Hostess' Holiday Fruitcake, I couldn't shake the notion that I really didn't want to be anywhere near it. Once you see one of 'em up close, you'll understand. Forget everything you think you know about fruitcake, because this is an entirely new monster. It's not a cake. It's not food. It's supernatural -- supernatural and chock full of nuts.

I forgot to give my father his Sawzall back, so fortunately, I was able to check the cake's guts out. It's sort of like an airline quiche, only slimier and solid enough to crack plate glass. Consider it an edible wrecking ball for demolition projects of a smaller scale.

Sadly, I haven't noticed any Christmassy upgrades to Hostess' premiere product, Twinkies. With visions of red dyed spongecake and Twinkie the Kid in a Santa cap dancing in my head, I will now take my leave and pray for a better tomorrow.

- Matt (12/23/03)

Here's a simple one, promoting "A Charlie Brown Christmas" on CBS. As the ad says, it was coming up "next." I don't think there's a better commercial in the world than one that mandates "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as coming up "next." Paired with the CBS bumper from December 20th's entry, the only thing that spread more holiday cheer than these promo spots was the special itself. No Christmas season is complete without watching Linus wax religious, so what are you waiting for? Christmas is almost here!

Click here to watch the commercial!

Mare: Did you find those gifts yet? I need to open something here.

M.B.: Mare, I don't get it -- they just vanished!

Mare: God DAMN it, you idiot! Mark's tied up...Mista Snowman is trapped in a bottle of soda...who could've taken them? Hey...hey wait a second...

M.B.: What?

Mare: Maybe you took 'em. Holding out on Mare, are ya?

M.B.: You're crazy. I don't have nothin'.

Mare: Then who could've taken them?!

Pauly: Arf!!

Bird: Caw?

(click to enlarge)


Playmobil's gift for December 23rd? The Killer Reindeer. The stuff of legends, Killer Reindeer is as synonymous with genocide in some cultures as he is with Christmastime. Killer Reindeer fights for the forces of good, yes, but he plays by his own rules. When Killer Reindeer spots trouble, there's little room for debate and reflection. When Killer Reindeer spots trouble...Killer Reindeer kills trouble.

Plus, he's awfully cute!!! <3

Killer: Thank you both for freeing me. My name is Killer Reindeer. What has happened to the others?

Pauly: Arf, arf arf. Arrrrrf, woof howl.

Killer: I see. And who is responsible?

Bird: Caw cawwycaw! CAW CAWWYCAW!

Killer: I thought so...

Pauly: Arf??

Killer: No, you two stay here. Keep an eye on that last gift box, and don't lose the magic wand. I'm going to go pay our "friends" a little visit.

Pauly: Arf?


M.B.: Did you ever have the feeling you were being watched?

Mare: Once, but I turned around and nobody was there.

M.B.: I think there's a giant, man-eating reindeer behind us.

Mare: What should we do?

M.B.: I have no idea. Maybe it'll go away if we ignore it.

Mare: You didn't.


Killer: That'll teach you to wear horizontal stripes, fatty. Don't you read Cosmo?

Killer: Everyone's gotta pay for their sins sometime, Mare.

Mare: Sure, but why now? Can't it wait till after Christmas?