12/23/05: Pillsbury's Best Fo' Yo Holiday Fest! Granted, the only thing Christmassy about today's commercial is the fact that the kid who stars in it is wearing a snowsuit, and even that's negligible. So what? By now, most of you are already gone. Gone off to Aunt Suzy's for your yearly celebration of All Things Red & Green. I can write whatever I want. Nobody's going to notice. Nobody's reading. Perhaps this space is best served for me to jot down my alarming plans of blowing up Spain. No, it's true. I'm really going to do it. It's been a lifelong dream and I've finally attained the means to make it happen. Don't tell the authorities, because if my plan is to succeed, it's essential that the authorities continue living under the false belief that I like Spain. I shouldn't have said that. You know how the Internet works nowadays. Once second you're jokingly planning to blow up Spain, the next second you're busted for taking sexy pictures of your underaged puppy. I'm a fan of the Christmas Wisemen, all three of them. Perhaps it's best that I try to emulate their supreme wiseness and cancel my Pain For Spain campaign and focus on something that won't get me in trouble: Pillsbury Cookies. Hmm mmm! Pillsbury's Best was, I guess, a majorly high-end version of whatever kind of cookie dough Pillsbury normally makes. I'm fairly certain that you can't find Pillsbury's Best these days, which is strange, because in a stretching sort of way it means that no matter what kind of cookie stuff the Doughboy's throwing at us, we know he's capable of doing better. But whatever, it's not like we're going to stop eating his cookies. Even a half-assed Pillsbury cookie is better than most, and yes, they will be a part of my Christmas this year. Somebody always makes 'em. We're absolutely full on absolutely everything by the time they're put out on the table, but that's why God invented hot coffee: To attack and shrink everything you already ate so you can freely eat more and grow to sizes beyond that of the African Elephant. I like the African Elephant because he's not from Spain. Click here to download this commercial! (.WMV, 5 MB) ....close this window!