The Greater Bilby

The greater bilby, a rare entry from the bandicoot family, is a rodent-like creature with ridiculously oversized ears and a snout that makes it look like it's doing an Adam Maitland Beetlejuice impression. Some subspecies in this family are so rare, they haven't been seen since the 30s. Several scientists actually argue that specific species in the genre are extinct, but us hopefuls won't give up hope that somewhere out there in Aussie land, more of these devil rabbits are hopping around, eating lizards, and digging their feet into soil for reasons known only to them.

An evolution of the bandicoot, the bilby has adapted itself to fit it's homeland of the more arid regions of Australia. Sleeping underground for most of the day to avoid the heat, it comes out during nightfall like the bogeyman and stalks it's prey - usually mice, small reptiles, or birds. It's mainly carnivorous, but it eats a lot of seeds and fruits in order to balance it's water intake. They usually avoid drinking water in it's plain form, mostly because they look silly drinking with their ludicrous snouts and they hate it when the other Australian animals with less Roman noses make fun of their genetic betrayals.

The bilby is a solitary creature, rarely living with others of it's species. The only time you'll find more than one together is when they're fucking and can afford to make the understandable compromise. It's hind legs are longer than the front legs, and both sets of legs must move in such a way that each in particular set of limbs move simultaneously. This causes the bilby to crawl about the world in a slow, shuffling, and altogether comedic pace. The strange body chemistry of this animal also keeps it from a normal sleeping routine: bilbies sleep 'sitting up' on their hind legs, where it's easier for them to do their patented Bilby Cosby impressions as they shake their front arms violently and nod with their eyes in a daze while shilling Jell-O.



The bilby's collection of odd traits doesn't end there - it also manages to eat up tons of plain soil with it's food, sheerly by accident. It doesn't harm the animal, but none of the soil is really digested and does nothing but pass through it like Grape Nuts or bad clams. Like most marsupials, the bilby's young are tiny, semi-hairless 'pinkies'. Smaller than the tip of any of your fingers, you could probably survive swallowing three of them on a double-dog dare without vomiting or even showing relatively major signs of disgust.

They have a natural enemy in the fox, who eat these things like potato chips. Big-eared potato chips. Man has also helped decrease their numbers vastly - aside from environmental changes caused by landscaping and the increased wanton need for more tennis courts, seems we as a race hunt the poor creature for it's valuable pelt. They're not very small creatures either - bilbies can reach as much as 2 feet in length while maintaining a svelte weight of 5 pounds or less. Actually, looking at all the information provided on these creatures, they don't seem too unlike that stupid chinchilla I bought a few months ago. Only, unlike the chinchilla, these guys will gladly accept grasshopper larvae over my shoelaces anytime. They're also pretty ugly, and their noses are frighteningly phallic. Maybe that's why they reach sexual maturity in only 90 days. If your nose was shaped like a dick, it'd be tough to put off sexual thought for much longer than that.

Fast Facts:
* Can live for at least three years - exactly enough time to watch the rise and fall of the marketing viability of a children's toy fad.
* Bilbies have very poor vision, if for nothing else than to aid in the mating process.
* To compensate, they have acute hearing. Well duh. Their ears are bigger than my car. Ugly limeys.
* Keen sense of smell for finding prey and for avoiding stepping in dog shit since it's really hard for them to see it on the ground.
* Only breed from February to April. Gotta feel bad for any of the guys wanting that old holiday lay.
* Have two-colored tails, so they can honestly proclaim themselves as having 'exciting posteriors'.



Unfortunately, greater bilbies will likely be extinct by the time we die. Fortunately, when we're dead, we won't care whether or not bilbies still exist. Unfortunately, our kids might. Fortunately, they might not really be our kids! I'm torn as to whether I think bilbies are neat marsupials or ugly rancid piles of furflesh, but those chicken legs and black coal eyes present something positively heartwarming.

- Matt