Prehistoric Archie

Here's our first Animalia bio of a creature that's no longer available for viewing, eating, or illegal pet smuggling - the extinct archaeopteryx. Since I never, ever want to have to type that word out again, we'll be calling him Archie for the duration of this article. I still think scientists spell these things' names like that just to further the idea that the general public is inherently stupid. I wouldn't care to know how many eighth graders took a self-inflicted shotgun blast to the head after getting this one as their final spelling bee challenge. But that's not why Archie is so important.

Have you ever heard the theory about how all of today's birds are direct descendants of prehistoric times - real life, actual evolutionary offshoots of the dinosaurs? Many scientists argue that the sparrows in your backyards represent modern day's version of the huge, reptilian beasts that ruled the earth for millions upon millions of years. Most people refuse to believe birds can be that important - partly because they're so tiny, but mostly because it's tough to picture nature deciding that the T-Rex would be better suited for long-term survival if it was a chicken. Archie breaches a lot of the theories though - while the proof isn't concrete, the case for the dinosaur/bird connection became much stronger when it's remains were found in 1861.

The earliest known animal to resemble today's birds, Archie shared a lot of the same attributes - covered in feathers, clawed feet, birdlike beak, etc. For what it's worth, the common pigeon's skeleton bears a pretty big resemblance to Archie's. Of course, it's tough to make direct comparisons using the busted fossil remains of something that hasn't existed for eons, but we can only work with what we've got. Archie was small compared to the creatures of it's day - a scant 14 inches. His birdish qualities were his only defense in a world where pretty much every living creature tried to eat it. It's said that he evolved from a small, two-legged dinosaur that began climbing trees to avoid predators. The wings gave Archie added escape options. Much like the pterosaur, he didn't really fly, just sorta glided. But almost no dinosaurs even sorta glided, so this was a huge advantage for Archie. Not only could he escape carnivorous dinos, but he could shit on their heads while airborne to make a profound point about the dangers of messing with evolution's latest and greatest.


Bear in mind that any and all facts about Archie are based on what's the most likely scenario. Dinosaurs didn't have video cameras, and none of them kept scientific journals. Scientists can only surmise what they were like based on their remains, which are sometimes just a few fractured skulls. It's assumed that Archie flew by running at high speeds until gaining enough momentum to hurl himself into the air, where his large, feathered wings would take care of the rest. It's not likely that he would've been high up in the sky - just high enough to avoid trouble and catch large insects.

Yeah, Archie was a bug eater. It's teeth tell us that it probably wasn't a vegetarian - but since it was so small, it wasn't going to be eating dinosaurs. It's diet probably consisted of insects, such as beetles and small dragonflies. Of course, when I say small dragonflies, I mean dragonflies the size that we're used to seeing. Back then, those bug bastards grew much larger and could've probably done some damage to us. As a side note, prehistoric flying insects couldn't have been too big, otherwise their frail bodies would've broken in two just from the laws of gravity alone. So if you've ever had a nightmare about waking up four million years ago and having six foot wasps bite your arms off, go to sleep a little easier: it just can't happen.

Another major point linking Archie to common day birds (and thus, dinosaurs to all birds) was in it's breeding habits. It's likely that baby Archies hatched from eggs, hairless, flightless, and very, very easy for predators to catch. For this reason, it's assumed that there must've been a good amount of parental care shown by the adult archaeopteryx for their kids - a trait almost every modern bird shares. By the way, other dinosaurs are assumed to have hatched from eggs and been brought up much in the same way.


It's main predators were land-roving dinos, not Pterosaurs. It was once argued that, like today's birds, Archie's greatest enemy would be larger flying reptiles. But Pterosaurs weren't too common in tropical rainforests, where Archie was usually found. He may have spent much of his times in trees, using his wings to glide from one big redwood to another.

Fast Facts:
* Archie was a lightweight, probably weighing just ounces. It didn't make him the most durable dino out there, but it helped him fly a lot better.
* All five of the Archie fossils found so far were located in Bavaria, Germany. Guess they heard good things about Bitburger's buzz factor.
* It lived in the Jurassic period, 150 million years ago. That means that the archaeopteryx is almost as old as Betty White.
* No fossil birds have been found from the 50 million years following Archie's time. I bet they all flew to Delaware. Who'd bother to dig there?


Some scientists argue that Archie actually has a living relative - the South American hoatzin, pictured above. Unfortunately, the hoatzin has declined comment on this issue, probably because it can't talk. Yet.

Finally, I'd just like to mention that while Archie is the last dinosaur anyone thinks about, he's not without his esteemed honors. My Instant Prehistoric Dinosaur Sponge Capsules kit chose him as one of the dozen dinos worthy of being a sponge hidden in a pill. And this company has been making dinosaur pills since 1983...prehistoric times!


Of course, since they also made a sponge for the prehistoric mosquito, I guess it's really not that big of an honor. Howard the Duck trading cards pictured to show you that yes, there's worse ways to spend your money than on dinosaur sponges.

So, are birds really today's version of the dinosaurs? Maybe, maybe not. At one point in time, people strongly believed that the Archie findings were an elaborate hoax. Finally, it was pointed out that if someone was going to do a hoax, they'd make something a little cooler than an overgrown peacock with big fingernails. So now, the public accepts Archie. Do you accept Archie? Sleep on it.

- Matt