The Tarantula

For most of us, there's few sights more terrifying than the ominous tarantula - king of the spiders, and master of all things spooky. I firmly believe that, for whatever reason, we're born with a degree of spider-fear, but for some of us, that fear is much larger than it has any right to be. I'm one of those people who're scared to death of spiders - it's hard to justify why we're so turned off by the creatures, but it's never a matter of debate: if there's a big hairy spider around, we're so running away.

In truth, most spiders are positively harmless, and all spiders are far less of a pest than other insects. While a lot of bugs ruin crops with their insatiable appetites, it's the spider who keeps their population in check. Spiders are carnivores, living on a diet of mainly other insects - and a lot of the more annoying ones. Seeing a spider web near your home isn't a reason to freak out - it's a reason to dance around your living room with imaginary maracas because, god dammit, that'll be a few less flies to deal with in the summertime.

Things are a little different when it comes to tarantulas, though. Fact is, they can hurt you. But far less menacing insects can hurt you a lot worse. It's not the bite that keeps us shaking - it's the very sight of the beast. Tarantulas just might be the scariest looking creature on the planet if we're not counting the cast of The Jeffersons. Large, agile, fuzzy, fanged - these are the traits that keep us at bay. But what's a tarantula really like? Let's find out...



First off, scratch everything you think you know about tarantulas. There's been plenty of movies that give the bugs a bad name. Arachnophobia brought spider-fear into the spotlight, but there's a far scarier movie going back a little further: Kingdom of the Spiders. That one's frightening for two reasons. Number one, it's about a town that becomes completely infested with man-eating tarantulas. Two - it stars William Shatner. I only saw the movie once, probably a decade ago, but the imagery has stuck with me to this very day, and while I'm fascinated with these insects, I'd rather chop off my arm than let one of them crawl on it.

In actuality, tarantulas are pretty placid - they don't attack just for the hell of it. They're only likely to go after whatever they plan on eating. Tarantulas aren't going to eat you, so unless you're stupid enough to go to South America and stick your hand into their nests, you're probably safe. The larger tarantulas feed mainly on small lizards, young snakes, frogs, and rodents. Using it's long fangs, it spears it's soon-to-be-dinner and MURDERS it with it's inbred poisons. These spiders are MURDERERS! Using it's powerful mouth, it then crushes it's prey while breaking it down into a pulpy liquid using another weird fluid. These things are like slurpee machines.

Despite their fearsome appearance, they are, after all, part of the great food chain of the animal kingdom. It's imperative that the tarantula has defenses against it's own predators - mainly birds, raccoons, and skunks. It's primary defense is simple enough: exposing their fangs to the incoming predator. It's sort of a 'don't fuck with me sucka' stance that wards off enemies. Ain't nobody gonna mess with those fangs. Aside from this, the tarantula's body is lined with hair that has very sharp points. It can use these to scratch their enemy's eyes, causing intense pain, even blindness.



Tarantulas live a long time - many up to 30 years or more. They can take up to ten years to just reach maturity. That's pretty rare in the animal kingdom, where many species only live for a few days. An older spider who has remained healthy has a lot going for it - aside from natural instinct, it's got a wealth of experience to go on. It grows through a process called molting: it sheds it's skin periodically and ends up bigger and bigger with each molt. Amazingly, it isn't until the tarantula's final molt when we can find out what sex it is. They'd be great cross dressers. They've got a good few years to go gallivanting around without worrying about concealing their nuts from view.

Oddly, what we consider tarantulas aren't really tarantulas - the true versions only live in southern Europe and almost never exceed an inch in length. It's generally accepted, however, to call any large, hairy spider a tarantula. The mother carries an egg case full of developing babies around, sorta like a disgusting pocket book, and even after the little bastards hatch, they'll remain in her burrow for a few weeks. Many spiders are cannibals, so the early stages of the tarantula's life are indeed the toughest.



I've noticed an increasing trend of tarantulas being offered as pets. Honestly, you could do worse. I'd rather have the devil himself crammed in a 10-gallon tank here personally, but as long as you don't let them escape, they're pretty cool companions sure to freak the frick out of everyone you show 'em to. This recent trend isn't something I've noticed alone - it's actually a problem to their overall population. Some species are threatened by over-collection. Why can't we just stick to goldfish? They're pretty, they're docile, and they won't bite our feet.

Fast Facts:
* - The tarantula's worst enemy isn't what you might think - the pepsis is a spider-hunting wasp who paralyzes the mini-monster, drags it back to it's nest, and feeds it to the larvae. The whole process and everything about it is completely disgusting, I vow to never speak of it again.
* - Tarantulas can eat poisonous snakes. They're immune to the venom.
* - Theraphosa Ieblondi is the largest species of tarantula, with a legspan of ten inches. That's the tarantula guaranteed to make you cry like a little girl.
* - Tarantulas, generally, are very solidary creatures. Horror movies about them are completely off kilter with the facts. They usually travel alone, somewhat nomadic, meeting up only to boink and make babies.
* - Using the letters in the word 'tarantula', one can make a statement displaying disgust with off-colored rodents: 'Ul...a tan rat!'
* - Tarantulas are directly related to the only bug creature possibly more frightening: the scorpion.
* - I've had my feet up on the desk the whole time I was writing this article. Stupid arachnophobia.



Tarantulas and lucite also mesh well to make a great paperweight.

- Matt