Beast Wars Toy Commercial
I remember back in G.I. Joe's heyday, I was home from school with a fever or something and had the grand honor of being able to watch the morning news. They were doing this feature on how boy's toys could warp our minds, reading the terrorism-laced undertones of Joe filecards as proof. My theory is that they ran these features while us kids were at school so we wouldn't have a chance to point out how stupid they were. Yeah, like we were really influenced by them calling the Battle Android Trooper a terrorist weapon of destruction. We didn't even know what the word terrorist meant!
I don't think there's many kids out there who played with GI Joes because they had a vested interest in global war, terrorism, or even nuclear weapons. We played with them because they looked cool, occasionally had metal heads, and had legs so versatile in their articulation that you could make your figures reenact a Solid Gold tiebreaker. Just so we're clear, G.I. Joe did not promote political violence. All it promoted was the idea that the army was full of basketball players and gay sailors. So it's perfectly fine for kids to have played their board game...even if the idea was to kill each other.
 
I'm not sure how the game actually worked, but is it really important? When you get a board game town complete with a ton of cardboard figures, you know you're not gonna play by the rules. You might roll the dice a few times as a token gesture, but believe me, most kids were more concerned with getting the Destro piece than winning the game.
Most of the popular characters were represented, which made the game worth buying. You know there's some completist collector out there who won't rest until they add the 'Cardboard Flint' variation to their lot. The game board came with a bunch of pop-up paper houses and turrets, so even when you were done losing all the cardboard guys, you could use the board as a playset for the action figures. Dual purpose dice games make mouths water.
 
The commercial features two teams of two kids battling for supremacy. Three of the four children are normal, everyday, happy-go-lucky would-be global conquerors. The fourth? Well, not wasting words, he's a complete demonspawn. For toy commercials of the 80s though, a 75% success rate is nothing to frown over. Usually all the kids look like goofy turtles, at least this time the turtle's in the minority. But - he's got a brilliant scheme in the works.
 
There's only a few ways to win at board games, and little Johnny, pictured left, has mastered the fine art of one of them. Now, you'd think a kid like this...obviously destined for smack-peddlin' on the streets or some other type of degrading personal prostitution...you'd think this would be the type of kid to lose the game. Not so, don't judge a book by it's 14" forehead.
On the right, little Billy...the loser of the game. Obviously, Billy is the superior intellect, the superior athlete. He's also human, another thing Johnny can't technically claim. So how on Earth did Billy lose out to Johnny? How could Johnny - by all rights a talking slug - beat such a picture of modern Americana, in a patriotic board game, no less? Simple smart maneuvering.
He teamed up with the kid who owned the game. You never beat the kid who owns the game. Johnny might look like William Tell on crack, but he's got the plays down pat.
The commercial features the four kids screaming entirely too loud, as well as a revamped GI Joe theme. Click here to download it! (.avi format, small file)
- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com
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