The Stupid TMNT Pizza Power Game
Thank God I brought an extra 50 cents into the thrift shops this week.
Yep, even the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles got their own board game. Probably not the ideal situation in party atmospheres or even to play at all, but when you're staring at a big colorful box with humanoid turtles swinging around swords on it, sometimes you've gotta just give in to your innate need to impulse buy. I can't really do a succinct review of this one since, even after reading the catch phrase-laced directions 47 times, I haven't a clue what I'm supposed to be doing. Making matters worse is the fact that, given that I'm over 21 and it's no longer 1989, it's pretty tough to find anyone willing to play a game where you draw yellow and green 'Krang Cards' at random intervals. But, as said, it was only fifty cents. For that amount, the only other viable options are bags of Ramen Noodles and those cheetah print snap bracelets making waves throughout grocery store vending machines currently. Ramen Noodles are a godsend, but if you care about your health at all you'd be better off eating cat shit. And while there's definitely something saucy about cheetah snap bracelets, you can't really get away with wearing them in public unless you add really big fake scars to the side of your face to divert attention away from your girly wrists. In other words, for two quarters, a TMNT game is your magnum opus.
And you think I go overboard with the amount of adjectives used? Check Leo out, cashing in on every single impressive word he can fit into a sentence, all the while forgetting that only Michaelangelo can hit a 'Cowabunga!' without sounding like a complete asshole. Don't blame Leo though, this was obviously the copywriter's flub. Looks like they just gave a few guys who knew nothing about TMNT directions to make them say things from a list of thirty-six party words, and hoped for the best. It's even more comical when you notice the artwork depicting the Turtles - very old style, serious stealth ninja shit. These turtles wouldn't be saying things that Alex Winter would. They're much more Bruce Lee here. Wait, it gets better....
What the hell is he talking about? Listen, I don't know much. But I know I love youuuu. And I've watched Dick Tracy enough times to know that when you're warned that you're about to eat 'hot lead', someone's planning on shooting you. Nunchucks wouldn't equate. I'm also gonna take this opportunity to officially blast the toitles for bringing the 'turkey' insult back into the mainstream. It took us well over a decade to forget all those times Arnold and Willis used it. We finally got past it, got it out of our systems, and moved on to better, more vivid ways of insulting people. With one anti-drug commercial and a stupid board game, these friggin reptiles erased ten years of hard work.
The directions for the game are so long and tedious that I can't even begin to transcribe them here. Frankly, I wasn't interested enough in the game to spend 20 minutes reading up on how to play it. Maybe if they didn't sneak so many of the Turtles' trademark silly phrases into the steps, but you can't win 'em all. Instead, let's just look at what you get for your money.
You've got your choice of teen turtles to pick from. Considering the target age this game was marketed towards, imagine the fights that must've broken out between kiddies who desperately wanted to be represented by their favorite character. I know I'd sooner not play than go into the game as anyone other than Donatello. Retrospectively, it amazes me how dramatic and critical kids are about the stupidest little things. What is it about the younger brain that makes children care about sheer crap so much more than their elders? Or is it just that they're too young to be concerned with more expensive, hurtful vices? Either way, whatever made us must slap himself across the face daily when he realizes that kids are putting more stock into which cardboard turtle piece they get to use than any other facet of life. If you went through all the trouble of creating the universe and got that back as your reward, you'd be a tad dissapointed too.
The game board is a mishmosh of colorful TMNT pics and a ton of nonsensical move spots that don't seem to accomplish anything. Landing in some spots will force you to move a cardboard sewer manhole cover, others will force you to draw a 'bad guy' card. Other spots have nothing but a black circle with a star on them, so I guess you really do need to read the directions if you want to play this game. Luckily, I don't want to play this game. I just want to tack the cards up on my wall and maybe use the box to transport large amounts of birthday invitations to the post office. Oh, and about those cards...
 
Rocksteady and Bebop don't rate enough to warrant using their real names - instead, they're lovingly referred to as 'punks'. I guess that's not a complete misnomer...the first episode of TMNT proved that, yes indeed, before their mutations, these two mutants were just your ordinary everyday skull-crushing punks, hired by Shredder to scare annoying news reporters in yellow jumpsuits. Bebop somehow looked even uglier in his human form. And, for anyone who's had an outstanding bet going with their friends: yes, Rocksteady was a blonde.
You might also draw one of the Turtles' cards, Shredder, Krang, or Splinter. The Shredder depiction is sans-cape and looks pretty silly, but all in all the artwork's not that bad. I'm a little dissapointed that they didn't use any of the other recurring characters in the game, but I think I waived my right to complain when I said that I'd rather eat glass than actually play this. Oh, by the way - I was a huge Turtles enthusiast when this came out, and I never heard of it back then. So either this wasn't widely available, or absolutely no one thought it was worth buying. Could also be market saturation, since by this point virtually every household item out there was sold with a TMNT logo on it. You have to start drawing the line somewhere. I guess a lot of us started with board games. You've got Monopoly? You've got Scrabble? That's all you really need.
 
Two more strange pieces with a mysterious purpose: a weird dice flipper and a pizza-themed spinner. Because, you know, the Turtles really like their pizza. I know this because they mention it 644 times in the instructions.
The pizza spinner clearly shows that this game was meant for really young kids: of the four spots you can spin on, three of them give you the exact same really broad instructions...'go anywhere'. What's the point in even having a spinner if you can go to any part of the board you want on 75% of your spins? And besides, who could resist the temptation of just keep returning to the spot on the board where your Turtle piece is positioned in the most obstrusive way towards the other players? A wonderful idea in theory, but flawed in implementation. Just like vanity license plates. Seem cool at first, but always end up making you look like an idiot. The spinner won't make you look like an idiot, just act like one. A small but noteworthy difference.
The dice flipping thing, well...if you think that'll work properly with kids pounding the plastic lever with their fists as hard as they can, you're obviously an optimistic kinda chap. You always think the glass is half full, and you're still holding out hope that they'll start rerunning old episodes of Swan's Crossing. Ten to one, that die is gonna go flying on the floor on every single try. Not that any of this makes much of a difference anyway - what kids in history have actually gotten through playing an entire board game without crying, destroying the game, or moving on to something far more entertaining, like string cheese? I'd say a handful at best.
But, it was only 50 cents. I take salvage in knowing that, while I'll never look at this game again, the money spent was only going to go to the underside of my car seat otherwise. I'd rather spend my money on crap than spend it on nothing. So, today, do yourselves a favor, and go waste half a buck. You'll feel more free than you ever have. I promise!
- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com
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