The Star Wars Episode I Goody Bag

'Loot bags' were undoubtedly the most important aspect of a kid's birthday party. When I was in elementary school, people were judged forever based solely on how good the party favor bags they gave out at their parties were. This was a totally make or break phenomenon. You could temporarily disable your impending judgment by hosting your party at the local arcade or a bowling alley, but after a week goes by, all anyone's going to remember about you and your birthday is what free stuff they got for putting up with it.

Unpopular kids had it the worst - their parties must've cost Mom & Dad a fortune. I don't remember whether I was considered passable or a loser in elementary school, but I was absolutely manic about how we went about doing my birthday parties. One of my b-day suares back in school was at 4 PM - just one hour after school let out. I rushed home to make sure that my mother and sister had decorated the house properly, only to find that they had made a cardinal error: all the balloons they put up were pink. Now -- remember that scene in Sleepy Hollow when Depp gives the Horseman back his head? Remember that extended sequence where Chris Walken's freaking out as his head spins back into place and grows skin? Well, my reaction to the pink balloons was roughly 40 times more intense and comedic. All my future birthday parties were held at arcades to avoid further incidents.

The loot bags were even more important - give the wrong things out and you'd be a joke at school for weeks. I vividly recall walking through the party favor section of Toys R'Us, picking out the most ridiculous things for my loot bags that defied all logic and certainly would never be considered 'cool.' Things like plastic sunglasses with horizontal blinds, duck figures, and plastic quarters. This would've been my 4th grade party. I remember really hating 5th grade and not getting along too well with my classmates. Retrospectively, after the crap I gave out, it all makes perfect sense.

Today, we take a look at a more recent loot bag, and rate how well kids would receive it. Since it's Star Wars themed, I promise to do my best to avoid personal bias. We'll call it straight down the middle.

Star Wars: Episode I: THE GOODY BAG

A few years old, but recent enough I guess. Let's be honest here - when the new Star Wars film came out, it was by no means considered 'cool.' It wasn't something to wear like a badge, even for kids. Either because the movie lacked some luster, or because our culture has changed it's tastes, the Phantom Menace just wasn't fated to mark an even bigger era in Lucas' brainchild. My siblings' kids generally like the Star Wars phenomenon, but by no means to the same degree that I did as a kid. But hey - it still warranted a loot bag. My point is that, unlike decades past, a Star Wars loot bag isn't impressive enough on it's own to make a kid's mouth water. Even if it does include stale Smarties on the inside.

Let's take a look at the contents. I've got to tell you, they're not exactly making me moist with delight. But I'm pretty jaded because I spent most of today's allotted excitement watching the new Planet of the Apes flick - a total treat for anyone who's ever wanted to see jazz monkeys smoke pot.



These things are only around a dollar a piece, so if you're looking at the above picture with a frown on your face, consider that first.

The Darth Maul snap bracelet clearly leads this round as the coolest entry, and even that's a bit of a stretch, since it's made of flimsy plastic that doesn't snap onto your arm unless you lovingly tend to it for twenty seconds. Also included is some stale candy. Don't blame the bag for the staleness, I just bought this loot bag, meaning it's been sitting there for well over a year collecting dust. I'm fortunate enough that the plastic bad hadn't deteriorated, I'll collect my losses with the old candy. Besides, lollipops aren't immortal.

PS - those Smarties things...am I the only person who doesn't find them palatable? I dunno...from my perspective, most of them taste like aspirin spiked with lemon juice. This wouldn't be so bad if they weren't so visible in every type of 'surprise' candy assortment I've ever gotten. I've learned to associate 'candy surprise' with 'yucky Smarties', so no matter how hard you shill your secret candy gifts on me, I'm always going to get nauseous thinking about them. I don't mind Smarties when you know what they are before buying them - but when they're included in these loot bags like this, it just ruins the whole phenomenon. Kinda like when you got your 86th mini baseball card sticker as a Cracker Jack prize. After a while, you just lose all faith in the system.



Also included is a Darth Maul sticker (the only part of this monster I held on to) along with an Episode I coin battle game. Only they're not really coins, they're pieces of thin cardboard that are impossible to separate from the sheet without ripping in half. That's a game in itself. Coin battle games are another fad I can't wait to see pushed under the rug of obsolete absurdity. They're basically pogs without the added intrigue of trying to comprehend why there's so many coins with skulls and skateboards on them.

Lastly, we have the mask:



Anakin Skywalker wore this helmet during the pod race scene, and now children have the chance to recreate the magic with their own Anakin pod mask. If you can fit it on, you're being given a golden opportunity to recreate that famous Eyes Wide Shut scene where the perverted orgy king lisps his way through a request for Tom Cruise to get naked. Remooof. Voh clothes. Of course, if you're older than five, this poses a problem...



Unless you chop off half your face, it just won't fit. If you think you'd look silly wearing a paper Star Wars mask, imagine how silly you'd look wearing a paper Star Wars mask fourteen sizes too small for your head. We can't in good conscience give the loot bag a red mark because of this, since the mask wasn't meant for twenty-somethings. It was meant for kids who haven't been exposed to social outlets enough yet to realize how open to insults wearing this leaves you.

So, to finalize the review:

Good Points: The sticker is pretty neat. At least they gave you a Maul sticker and stayed away from the sideshow aliens. Also worthy of note: the depiction of Qui-Gon on the package features him holding a lightsaber that's almost double the length of normal lightsabers. I take this to mean that the Jedi will go the extra mile to protect a goody bag.

Bad Points: Everything seems to break or tear the second you touch it. The plastic bag smells unusually god awful. The candy sucks. Doesn't include any half-off coupons for imitation crabmeat.

How To Improve It: Add an action figure. Simple as that. Even if all they gave away were figures of that fat woman who gave Anakin free fruit, at least you'd have something to play with that wouldn't disintegrate at your fingertips. The goody bag could also be immensely improved if it came with a personal apology written by Lucas explaining how wrong he was to make a Droid say 'Roger, Roger.' Overall, I've seen bags of garbage hold more merit than this.

Would the kiddies at the birthday party be impressed? Doubtful. Any child who gave this one away at their celebrations probably wouldn't be that much of a power figure at school the next day. Instead, they'd probably be pelted in the head with 26 Darth Maul snap bracelets. My advice to parents: if your kid's having a birthday party, don't underestimate the importance of giving out something good. Your child's social stature may depend on it. This would be the perfect time to introduce kids to those travel-size bottles of vodka. You might get in a bit of trouble for it, but your kid? He'll be a hero.


- Matt