Tune-Ups: Toy Cars With Unbridled Power.



Tune-Ups! Think Hot Wheels with extra power. These little toys, which came out well over a decade ago, sought to capitalize on the growing market of action car 'figures', and while they didn't break too much new ground or even develop any following whatsoever, I had 'em. I liked 'em. And they're worth showing a little love for.

We'll get to the schematics in a minute - first, a little background. Today's toy market isn't exactly car-friendly, at least in the way it used to be. We've still got our Hot Wheels and an overabundance of Nascar crap, but some time ago, companies were racing to outdo each other by adding some of the strangest shit to little car toys you could ever hope to dream up. Cars that glow in the dark, cars that changed color in water, cars that had big bear claws growing out of their tires...even two-wheeled cars, presumably fashioned with the idea that they'd save on the per-axle charges at toll booths. It was a wonderful era for kids, albeit a short one. Playcars are certainly still prominent in the stores today, but generally, they're a far cry from the freaky marketing decisions of the drug-laced brainstorming meetings of the 80s. And now - Tune-Ups:



To emphasize the sheer power of these tiny vehicles from Hell, the ad spot shows a kid sending off his car, only to have it morph into a life-size gas guzzlin' mustang crashing past his upstairs bathroom. Those are some pretty wide hallways, which actually is a really undervalued strong point you should look for when buying a home. Wide hallways serve a lot more suitable purposes than driving cars in the house. With a wider hall, you won't have to limit yourself to inviting only the friends over who've kept themselves in shape. It also makes it a lot easier for you to act out the tricycle scene from The Shining. Let's not forget indoor handball and the added bonus of having enough room to walk around your house pretending there's triangular land mines all over the floor. These are overlooked parts of the 'pro' list, so don't underestimate the importance of hallway size.

One more thing not to overlook? The strange things your hands type when it's the middle of the night and your bed's calling you from behind.

Oh yeah - I also should mention that this is the only toy commercial we've ever reviewed where the starring kid doesn't look like something out of the Dark Crystal.



The Tune-Ups worked like this: pop open their hood, and use a little wrench (included!) to wind up the suckers and let 'em rip. Yes, you could easily overextend the tuning and break the car, but that's the price you pay when you introduce technology way too advanced for the current culture. I don't think people were really ready for wind-up cars till 1993. We were playing with fire and fooling ourselves with these things back then. We just weren't ready for this kind of power.

But that didn't stop us - and why should it? These were cool cars! Once you wound up their engines, they managed to go off at speeds that were admittedly impressive. At least, if you were playing with 'em on a hardwood floor. We had carpets, so I could only use these successfully in the kitchen or on the dining room table. The table was a moot point, it's no fun watching your speeding car run right off the table after the 32nd time. The kitchen floor was effective, but I had a big family...someone else was always in the kitchen. Amazingly, nobody agreed with my train of thought that they should avoid toy cars on the floor. However, they exploited one of my previous trains of thought, this one being that people should act like Godzilla and stomp cars. No toy survived the kitchen throughout my entire childhood.



Alright, showtime. Little Tommy finally realizes that unleashing a full-sized car into the house probably wasn't such a good idea. At least, I'm guessing that's what the look on his face means. He might be just yawning. Or maybe someone just told him that Ed Koch came out. Either way, that car's headed for trouble. And since Tommy birthed it - he might be in some trouble too once his parents find out what's about to happen.



But come on...you really think his parents are gonna be mad? This is a prodigy who's able to turn crappy two dollar toys into hundred thousand dollar mustangs. You think child actors get the shaft when their parents realize how much money they're worth? Try living with a greedy dad who knows you can make expensive cars at the drop of a hat. Tommy, don't worry about the hole in the wall. Worry about the years ahead - years full of parental exploitation...years full of endless car mining....years full of amazing regret that you didn't add a creative control clause to your contract before filming this ad spot, leaving you legally unable to halt them from putting that silly facial expression in front of millions of people. Worry about that.

As for the Tune-Ups, they're long gone and their run was so short that they're really tough to find nowadays. Even eBay seems pretty devoid of the bastards. Oh well. Try to pick up the pieces, I know this is a tough cross to bear. Maybe I'll start a support group for people who can't find Tune-Up cars on the collector's market. Or maybe I'll just go to sleep.

PS -I don't think I used one obscenity in this entire article. So either I'm growing up, losing my touch, or don't feel Tune-Ups warrant enough excitement to shout 'fuck!'. Whatever the case, you can download the commercial by clicking here.


- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com