The Transformers Jumpstarters!
For a brief period of time, we could say that every Transformer was cool. Then Hasbro started selling Jumpstarters.
Way back when, these little guys provided a slice of variety from the normal fare of jets and cars, and while small, they packed a lot of power into their plastic bodies. With the ability to flip into their robot modes under their own power, you'd think these would be high up on the collector want lists. Not so, and for a few reasons. Firstly, I don't know how to explain the phenomenon, but there's got to be an outnumbering ratio of 465:1 in terms of how many Jumpstarters there are versus the amount of people who are living today, who have ever lived, and who will ever live in the future. My guess is that Hasbro left their mold machines going during Christmas break by accident, and came back to a horde of what's possibly the worst toys to ever bear the holy Transformers logo upon them. Well, I guess they're not without their novelty, even if the novelty wears off in ten seconds and you're left with piss poor looking robots who can't move their legs much.
 
Some of the cheapest Transformers of all to gain on the retro market today, they're also a collector's nightmare. I speak from experience. Oftentimes during my stint as a toy dealer/trader/buyer/obsessor/boyfriend, I'd buy large lots of Transformers at once. People who were selling them adapted themselves to a clever trick of naming a few of the good ones in the lot, and then tapering off with a side comment: 'and a few more nice figures'. I quickly learned that whenever someone told me that, those 'few more nice figures' were almost assuredly going to be Topspin and Twin Twist, collectively, The Stupid Jumpstarters. The conversations usually went something like this...
Me: So, who's in this lot again? If I'm paying three hundred, I want to make sure I'm getting a good deal, y'know?
Dastardly Dan: You'll love it. You'll be getting a complete Rodimus Prime, Hoist, Ravage and Rumble, Dirge, and a few more really nice ones from the first series.
Me: Sounds good - who's the rest of them now?
Dastardly Dan: Oddly, their names escape me.
Me: Interesting. Are you trying to push Jumpstarters on me?
Dastardly Dan: Ckkkkkkk! CCCCKKKKK! Sorry, bad connection there. Yeah it's a great lot. Are you gonna take it, because I have other interested parties.
Me: Well, I'm certainly interested, but I'd really like to know --
Dastardly Dan: CKKKKKKKKK!!!!
By the time I was done dealing toys, I had accumulated roughly four dozen Jumpstarters. Problematic, because virtually no one wants them and it's hard to bring yourself to throwing away a Transformer toy. They're like the Charlie Brown Christmas Trees of the Ark. I'd imagine Prime delegated these guys to duties involving making sure all the lights were off by 11 PM, or sending them down to the local post office to spy on mailmen who could at any moment swear allegiance to Megatron. Anything to keep the useless midgets out of his cyberhair.
  
Maybe I'm just jaded because my house at one point was infested with these figures in the same way other houses are infested with roaches. Only roach infestations are easier to handle, because let's face it, there's people you can call to handle that. What do you do when you're swarmed with lousy Jumpstarters? There's only so many upstart collectors you can swindle into believing that these are worth getting. And there's only so many midnight masses you can go to for penance afterwards. They're downright evil.
But, as the above pictures explain, they certainly do jump!
I've decided that the only way I can truly judge these two fellows is by assessing their worth via their boxart tech specs. For those who don't remember, 'tech specs' were little bios and power meters that came on the back of the toy packaging, bringing you a little closer to your purchase, and hopefully, a little closer to God.
Twin Twist: "Nothing feels better to him than sinking his drills into a slab of steel. Loves the scrap metal results of his destructive fury and showing off... will attack anything: enemy Decepticon or harmless lamppost. Optimus Prime worries about his uncontrollable nature. Goes 200mph... has two 6000rpm diamond-tipped drills... twin ion impulse blaster shoots explosive 100lb TNT shells. Goes from vehicle to robot in .4 seconds."
Seeing as how he's insane, I think I like him a little bit more now. Who knew that vapid face and thoughtless disposition could host such a crazy rocketman? I mean...the guy'll shoot lampposts given the right circumstances. He just doesn't give a shit. He's even got Prime all hot and bothered. Remember, Prime spends most of his days with Ironhide, Jazz, and humans who wear hardhats 24 hours a day. For someone to break through that wall of unavoidable worry, they've got to be trouble. His power stats list his Courage as a '9,' but his Intelligence at a low '4.' Reading between the lines, that just means he's stupid enough to try taking on Devastator without realizing how useless his powers are.
Topspin: "No mountain high enough, no river wide enough to stop this one robot wrecking crew. Has superior mobility due to his Cybertronic vehicular form. Views conquest of rough terrain as much a victory as beating Decepticons. Uses 2 rear jet engines to go 300mph... goes 80mph on water with 2 front pontoons... has 2 hi-voltage electric cannons and 2 hand lasers built in... carries a powerful twin ion impulse blaster."
I think Ford uses a lot of the same taglines in their ads. To be honest, I don't understand 90% of that bio, I think they're trying to say that Topspin is versatile. I dunno, I got lost when I hit the pontoons part. I don't know what a pontoon is, how the frig is a six-year-old supposed to get it? Christ, one small typo and Hasbro would have women's groups everywhere on their case. Not that they wouldn't deserve it - they never made us an Arcee figure. That's either sexual discrimination, or the realization that it'd be tough to hide robot tits inside a plastic car. Either way, Topspin's Courage is listed at a solid '10,' while his Endurance basks in the embarrassment of a low '5.' I guess that means he can be brave, just not for an extended period of time.
 
The Jumpstarters: proof that not all Autobots could save the day. Some were just there to make everyone else, including pet rabbits, look good by comparison.
Oh, here's a present: click here to download and watch the original commercial, which avoids the obvious danger that these figures may very well suck. I'm just kidding...I really do like the guys. But I collect hard rubber body part replicas. You? You should stick with the good stuff.
- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com
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