X-E Cryptozoo: The Yeti
Continuing on with the X-E Cryptozoo, it's time to take a trip down to the Himalayas - where the snow is usually white, if not yellowed by some wild creature in need of pelvic relief or a strong desire to spell out it's name in urine. C'mon...we've all been there. Maybe the yellow spot came from a fox? A bear? A really large, durable newt? Possibly, but you never know. Maybe that unsightly piss stain in the Christmas snow was from some regular animal. Or maybe, just maybe, it was from something far more sinister...
The Yeti! The earliest sightings of this maybe-mythical creature dates back to the 1800s in Nepal, where people thought they saw some weird, giant orangutan. Thing is, orangutans aren't usually white/yellow, nor do they hit heights of over five feet. Known to most as the Abominable Snowman, the Yeti could be considered the distant albino cousin of a more famous entry into the world of cryptozoology - Bigfoot.
Descriptions of the Yeti are a lot more vague than it's proposed relative Sasquatch, though. Basically, there's a few different types of Yetis rumored to exist, in different parts of the world with some very different characteristics. But let's face it, Yeti is such a fun word to say, every weird ape creature out there wants to get under it's scientific umbrella. Pretty soon big white ducks are gonna start lobbying for the Yeti tag. The upside for Crypto hunters is this: while there's plenty of stories/sightings about these guys, I haven't heard many reports of them being particularly vicious, and by that of course I mean this: they don't rip the heads off livestock. Ripping the heads of livestock seems to be the measuring stick for how wild and mean Crypto creatures get. It's almost never a case of them beating the shit out of old ladies, stealing silver egg spoons, or even hijacking picnics. They're always ripping the heads off of goats. But not the Yeti - as graceful as a swan, as gregarious as a Paul Schaffer.
It is not known for sure whether the Yeti actually exists, so obviously, there's even more questions about what it is. While bipedal and quite humanoid, the differing theories suggest a few things - maybe it's a new species of bear, maybe a monkey, maybe a wolf. Or maybe it doesn't truly exist at all. When all's said and done, there's way too much hard evidence to ignore. But the evidence as a whole clearly indicates more than one creature....considering the rough spots these things are usually spotted in, it's entirely possible that there's several animals we haven't yet identified. After all, anything's possible. Any self-respecting Mets fan has to believe that.
Where Yetis Have Been Sighted: The United States, Canada, England, Germany, Switzerland, and so on. Given the nature of what scientists (or quack scientists) believe the Yeti to be, it's a safe bet that the colder the climate and the less inhabited, the more of a chance the sightings were legit. Unlike Bigfoot, who's something of a forest nomad, the Yeti's alleged attributes lend themselves to a more specific type of living arrangement. You won't wake up tonight and find one rummaging through your trash. If you do, it's probably just a hobo wearing a jacket back from his busta hustle days.
As is the case with most of these giant ape creatures who like to hide, the best evidence is found in their tracks. Since they're huge, they've got big feet. Since they've got big feet, they leave big tracks. Since they're almost always 500 pounds, they leave heavy imprints with their tracks. Since they're such expert escape artists and illusionists for 500 pound semi-intelligent monkey creatures from Hell, this is often our only link to their harrowed hearts.
Up above, a decisively sinister footprint is found in the snow. Should you ever stumble by one of these out on one of your patented nature walks through Nepal, it's best to get to shelter - there's only two things on the planet that could leave a print of that size and magnitude.
 
A Yeti, or former US president William H. Taft.
While not 'officially' discovered, there's a lot of statistics about the creatures which may hold water if you're willing to set aside your cynicism. According to most who've studied what they can about the Yeti, it's surmised that they live in caves. I'd really like to shake the hand of the scientist who went out on a limb with that bold statement. I figured they lived in the backs of meat trailers. They normally live in groups of three, searching for food during the day and playing Shotzee at night with a bottle of fermented goose piss. It's speculated that the male doesn't live with the family, and serves as more of a nomad/protector, staying close enough to take care of things but far away enough not to get roped into any swishy conversations about Alan Alda. Skulls and fossils found lead many to believe that Yetis have been around for over 6,000 years. Six centuries of Yeti glory.
 
The photographic evidence doesn't provide much, either. For all we know, that creature in the background could be a naked Fred Berry. Unlike Bigfoot, which has some wild pictorial evidence to go along with the claims, the Yeti remains more of a 'leftovers' deal. We're going by loose hairs and footprints with this guy.
Chance of Actual Existence: I certainly believe that something is out there - but I've not yet seen the type of evidence I'd need to be 100% honest when telling you what it was. Despite theories about wolves and bears, I'm gonna put my vote with some kind of mutant ape. That's partly because it's the most logical, but mostly because it's fun picturing a Yeti do that 'ooo ooo ah eee eee' hand-and-arm motion.
The Yeti's Pop Culture Tie-Ins:
1) Primal Rage Videogame/Toyline Character, 'Blizzard'
 
Blizzard was part of Primal Rage, a Street Fighter-esque fighting game that replaced Balrog and Bison with dinosaurs and screaming red devil apes. Blizzard, the Yeti, was actually one of the good guys. (the red one pictured above is his evil arch-rival, his name escapes me, so let's call him Lloyd) I've not played the game in a long time, but the toys still rest somewhere in between my collection of Johnson Smith catalogs and my collection of empty beer bottles. Okay, you see through me. They're not really collections. I'm just too lazy to throw them away.
Anyway, both Blizzard and Lloyd came with a tiny plastic human figure. On Blizzard's bio, the human is described as an ally. On Lloyd's, it's described as food. I love playing God with my toys.
2) World Championship Wrestling's Worst Wrestler Ever, 'The Yeti'
 
If any wrestling fan's ever wondered why the Time Warner-owned WCW flopped, you needn't look much further than some of their 'hot' ideas. There was a stable of bad guys wrestlers in WCW during the mid-90s known as the Dungeon of Doom - essentially some of the worst athletes in the world dolled up with face paint and spooky music to give them the aura of being something other than worthless. You had fat guys with war paint on, making little 'pray' motions over their heads and calling themselves 'Sharks'. You had Kamala, the Ugandan Giant who threatened to eat your face after bodyslamming you. You even had Kevin Sullivan dressing up in a dyed Logan's Run costume, calling himself 'The Taskmaster.' Just when it couldn't get any worse, they bring out a big slab of ice and this guy breaks out. I'm not being cute there either - they really brought out a big slab of ice, in the middle of a televised wrestling event, and had a big goof in a mummy suit bust out of it.
Of course, no such Yeti we've ever heard of dressed like a mummy, but as the television commentators so repetitiously reminded us - this wasn't a Yeti. Apparently, it was a 'Yet -TAY.' Big difference there. Later they'd thaw the guy out and stick him in a ten dollar ninja outfit. Oh well, a Yeti's a Yeti I guess.
3) Bumbler, The Abominable Snowman (Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer)
Finally, a true Yeti. I don't have much to say about this guy, as this Quickie post has now taken over twice the time I would've liked to spend on it, so instead, I'll shoot you this quick link from X-E's last Christmas season. Many of you probably missed this one, it was sort of a secret link. And with very good reason. Click here to see Bumbler in action!
This all could've been much shorter if I went with my originally proposed definition of a Yeti. 'Bigfoot, post-Feria.'
- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com
|
