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Wigglytuff and the Cows
Cow 1: Earl, you're not gonna believe this, I'm telling you! Just follow me, I swear...it's unreal!
Cow 2: I still don't know if you're being straight with me. I mean, what you're telling me here...it's not something a cow would expect to hear, y'know? The only things I usually hear about are which cows got slaughtered and which cows accidentally ate shit instead of hay. But this?! I'll believe it when I see it.
Cow 1: See?! I told you!! That Pokemon thinks it's a cow!
Cow 2: Earl, you've truly stumbled on something amazing and mind boggling here. Moooooooooove over Robert Stack, looks like Earl's the new cow on campus in the unsolved mysteries biz.
Cow 1: Hey, hey! I'm a modest cow. I just saw the Pokemon...I didn't make it start acting all cow-like. I don't deserve any medals. If anything, just a small finder's fee.
Cow 36: Hey you, Pokemon! You're not a real cow! Get off of our turf!
Cow 583: Yeah! We got a little saying 'round these parts - 'if ya ain't endin' up a taco, ya ain't eating our hay!'
Cow 755: Besides, why would you want to hang out with cows, anyway? Don't you know what we do all day? Eat, stink, and get our heads chopped off. Ain't nothing to aspire to, Pokefriend.
Cow 1,556: We don't want no non-cows here!
Cow 22: Would you take a look at that? That Pokemon thinks it can walk into our field and act as we cows do! What nerve!
Cow 882: I just hope nobody notices that I'm a horse.
Cow 9: Well, what should we do about this guy? All the other cows are getting mad. And you know what happens when you mix 'mad' and 'cow.'
Cow 55: Don't go there. Okay, if he wants us to believe he's really a cow, why don't we make him prove he's a cow. Make that thing do something only a cow would know how to do.
Cow 9: Shit half his body weight in under 30 minutes? Hatch fly eggs from his eyes? What did you have in mind?
Cow 55: Something less advanced. Just make the poor thing attempt to moo, so we can all get on with our miserable, forged, temporary lives.
Cow 9: Okay Pokemon, you heard the cow - we wanna hear you moo. If you want us to believe you're a cow, you're gonna have to prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt. Just don't play any tricks, or you'll be the first Pokemon to end up on the veal menu at the Four Seasons.
Wigglytuff: Mooooooooo!
Cow 9: I've gotta admit - I haven't heard mooing like that since Farmer James hit Cow 122 with a branding iron while she was giving birth. Quite a show. But I'm not sure the other cows believe you're a cow.
Wigglytuff: Mooo?
Cow 9: Yes. Moo.
Wigglytuff: Moooo.
Cow 9: Okay we've established that you can moo. Knock it off. It's not making anyone think you're any more of a cow.
Cow 65: Make that thing sing the Super Secret Cow Anthem!
Wigglytuff: We are angels, we ain't no hamburgers....If only I had a podium, to scream - 'meat is murder.' We are the cows, the grass is where we're restin'....We are the cows, y'all drink milk from our intestines. Wait - did you need me to do the second verse too?
Cow 9: Well what do you say? Cow or not?
Chief Cow: He knew the song, didn't he? Spray him with pesticide and introduce him to the crew - as far as I'm concerned, he's as much a cow as the rest of us. Just...do me one favor. Check his teeth, make sure they're not canine. We don't need any carnivores eating what's left of us while we're being tipped and sleeping.
Cow 9: Congratulations, Pokemon...you're officially a cow! Here's your complimentary Apple Jacks. Just our little way of apologizing for doubting your amazing amount of, well, astute cowness.
Wigglytuff: I'm extremely mooooooved by your graciousness. Gary Larson for president!
All Cows In General: Three cheers for the Pokecow! Hip hip hooray!
Cow 9: Now that that's taken care of - who let that horse in here?
Cow '882': I'm a cow dammit, I swear! A real tall cow! Look, I can moo too: 'moo moo moo.' See haw I told you!
Cow 9: Somebody get the Cow Stick of Discipline. It's time to take this imposter to school.
Cow '882': No! Not the stick - please, anything but the stick! Okay, so I'm not a cow. But do I not bleed like a cow? Feel emotions - feel love like a cow? Have I not the same desires as a cow? Do I not breathe the same air...as a cow? I may not be a cow on the outside. But on the inside...I'm 100% beef.
Cow 9: Forget the stick - will one of you grow opposable digits and shoot this motherfucker?
Cow 49: Doesn't this seem like an awful lot of fuss for us to go through on a daily basis? I mean, we're all gonna end up between two pieces of bread someday anyway, right?
Cow 245: Hey, in this life, I'll grasp onto anything that distracts me. Think I wanna wake up every morning wondering if I'll be going to sleep in a can of dog food?
Cow 49: I hate being a cow.
Cow 245: Well, look at the bright side. At least we're not French cows.
Cow 49: Viva le resistance!
Be sure to look for the upcoming full-length feature film based on today's story, starring a buncha cows and Meshach Taylor in a pink Pokemon costume. Musical score by John Williams.
- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com
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