A Lesson From Corey Haim's Tooth!
You know, I've been thinking. There's really nothing wrong with living a normal, boring life so long as your cash flow remains consistent and you don't have to do totally abnormal, downright disgusting things to pay off your credit card bills. I've got a pretty big mix of friends, and can easily see which ones are gonna have it best once they hit middle age. Some of them live it up now, spending everything they have on whatever new bauble catches their eye, going through money like they're allergic to it, never having anything in the bank, basically living like tomorrow doesn't matter. Then there's the other group - the people who understand that keeping your cash is never a bad thing, the people with intensely annoying strategies involving percentages of their paychecks going into untouchable savings accounts, the people who still wear the same damn pair of Bojos their mom bought them in the sixth grade because somehow, they still fit.
I've flip flopped between the philosophies of both groups in my lifetime. I've hoarded my money like a rich little squirrel, saving up for God knows what and reorganizing my bankbook like it was the chic thing to do. Other times, I'll be at a deli register with a hundred bucks, spend 10, and find a way to blow the other 90 on expensive designer gum and novelty lighters. Slowly, as time progresses and as I progress, I'm learning that having money is more important that having a hundred different decorative ashtrays. I'm sure we've all been in this position. We look at the things we blew our money on, tally up the value, and realize that if we hadn't done it, we could've afforded a car that didn't require manual labor and a prayer to make the windows go up and down.
It's a tough lesson to learn once you get on the bad track of overspending and undersaving, but as always, Hollywood's there to teach us where we might end up if we don't act responsibly. These fine actors and actresses make oodles and oodles of money just for looking good and remembering lines - more money than any of us'll ever make with a simple, honest living. But even these people aren't exempt from the laws of good money management. I'll just put it to you straight. If we don't take care of our personal finances in the right way, we might have to...
SELL OUR TEETH & HAIR ON EBAY!
Corey Haim - X-E's favorite son, and probably my favorite 80s actor. Say what you will about the guy, but if you look at the scripts of the movies he's actually been in, it's amazing he made enough money to afford socks. Personally, I think he got a bad rep. It's not his fault that movies like Snowboard Academy and The Double-0 Kid relied more on Bridgette Nielsen's ancient cleavage than a single line of dialogue that made sense. If you look at the sum total of child actors as far as their success goes when they hit adulthood, Corey's way above the curve. For every Drew Barrymore, there's a million E.T. Elliots. See, I don't even know his name. And sure, most of Corey's flicks were doomed direct-to-video flops that only me and a couple of senile old ladies who thought they were renting Cocoon II picked up, but I still stand firm in my personal belief that, while silly, some of the flicks he's been in aren't without charm. I mean yeah, 9 of the 10 people who saw Prayer of the Rollerboys vowed never to watch a movie again afterwards, but I still say Speedbagger was the Grandpa Huxtable of the 90s.
I'm not here to rag on Corey. Anyone who's seen the E! True Hollywood Story on the poor guy knows he's having enough trouble staying afloat, and I respect the fact that there's some lines you shouldn't cross just to make a joke. So when I tell you about him selling off teeth, I'll refrain from mentioning that the heroin decay pulled the price down 50%. I won't say a word about the hair strands being sold are leftovers from drug testing parole officers. My point in bringing this to you is to prove a point: Do well in life and stay grounded, or you'll have to depend on someone buying your rotten molars if you want to eat something other than rats.
 
So yeah, with the help of a celebrity memorabilia company, Corey's been hacking clumps of his hair for the low, low price of 75 bucks on eBay. To date, I haven't seen a bidder. Surprising, right? I mean, think of what you could do with it. You could make your very own Corey Haim Dream Pillow, or better yet, pretend the hair belongs to Tim Curry. You know your star power's fading when you can't convince anyone to shell out half a day's pay for strands of your hair, especially when it comes completely protected in it's own glorious lucite case. It's the ultimate measuring stick of success in Hollywood. If you can't sell your hair, you're just not A-list material anymore. That's why bald guys always look extra proud when they win the thing. It's like they're defeating tinseltown's most heralded time-honored tradition.
Worse yet, he's also selling his teeth. Now I wouldn't be as offended by all this if the teeth were in great shape. I'm not even talking about a Level 2 white here; I just don't understand why even his biggest fans would want to buy his completely cored-out rotten teeth. What do you do with it? It's not like you can impress your friends with the thing - if you showed it off, you wouldn't have any friends left. There's just some things you can't do if you wanna keep your social outlets full. You can't take the terrorists' side, you can't ride around in a Pinto, you can't wear a WWF "Chyna" t-shirt, and you can't spend 75 bucks for Corey Haim's tooth!
Plus, it's not the type of thing that's gonna appreciate in value over the years. Even if he died tomorrow, all that'd mean is that at least ten more Corey teeth would conceivably be available for purchase. You're not making a smart investment here, and that's my point. Stop buying stupid shit - don't waste your money like Corey has. Save it, love it, use it to buy something worthwhile, like a calculator, or a fondue pot. Just stop buying people's decayed teeth already. STOP. Help me help you. I don't want all the kids reading the site to e-mail me in five years asking if I want to buy their X-Men: Evolution figures so they can afford bus fare. Let's nip the problem in the bud right now. Let's make a mass resolution to stop being idiots when it comes to cash. When the second Great Depression comes around in 2112, let's all give a hearty Ha Ha HA because we, the victorious, will still have enough saved to afford boxing pay-per-views.
Don't be a Corey. Start doing the right thing now, or by the time you reach 30, the only way you'll get a raise is if you're feeling numb enough to rip out two teeth a month with pliers.
C-3P0: Sign it, "Dear C-3P0, you're officially better than me. Love, Crumbly Corey."
Corey: How do you spell "sign?"
C-3P0: Forget it. Just put your name down.
Corey: Say why are you wearing a mask?
C-3P0: I'm paying for Corey Haim memorabilia. Wouldn't you be wearing a mask?
Corey: So what's your favorite movie of mine? Fast Getaway, Fast Getaway II?
C-3P0: I've never seen those. Actually I've never seen any of your movies. I just killed my wife and I'm trying to avoid a few years of purgatory with some good deeds. I put some bread and milk in your fridge, by the way.
Corey: How do you spell "Haim?"
Each official Corey Haim "artifact" comes with a certificate of authenticity, because as everyone knows, the most profitable bootlegs on the market today are fake clumps of Corey Haim's hair. The scam is just timeless. Notice that it looks like Corey almost wrote his last name twice by mistake on the certificate. I guess his mind was on something else, probably experimental super-lithium.
Again - save your money. Spend it wisely. Don't be a Corey. Stay cool.
- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com
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