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99 Cent City - the king of the dollar stores. I'm a huge fan of establishments of this ilk, the only places in the world where you can reenact scenes from Supermarket Sweep without going broke. There's something of a power issue when it comes to dollar stores...you walk in, and you just feel this immense wave of sheer superiority because no matter what, you can afford anything in the whole damn stupid store. Yeah, most of the stuff in there only costs a dollar for good reason, but the experience isn't about picking up quality merchandise. It's about knowing that, in some stench-ridden corners of our galaxy, there does exist a place where our wallets cannot be defeated. A place where our very pride can't be defeated. It doesn't matter if you're an unemployed hobo living off the scraps left by pigeons for sustenance. You're still on top of the world in a dollar store. Nothing they can throw at you is out of your reach. No cheap six-pack of paper towels, no expired Jujubes, no designer notebooks featuring dolphin cover-art - NOTHING is a financial 'dream-on' in these places. It's all yours, it's all in your grasp. After all, everyone has a dollar to spare.
My humble beginnings as a 99-cent store fan take us back to family vacations along the boardwalk-entrenched shores of south Jersey in the early 80s. When I went away with my family, the goal wasn't to seek entertainment through tawdry amusement rides, swimming pools, or the decidedly yummy zeppole...rather, it was my intense desire to get things. 'Getting things' was my credo to an absolute and total magnitude, and my mother, God bless her, has probably heard the question 'can I get something?' more times than Kamala the Ugandan Giant hears that other eternal question, ''will you eat a live chicken for me?', from wrestling fans by a 60:1 ratio. I was a greedy, greedy little scruff monkey who was only having fun if the activities would match a background score to Madonna's Material Girl. Since I had such an unquenchable thirst for 'getting' these varied 'things', the 99-cent store was a perfect place for my parents to take me. They'd shut me up and it wouldn't cost them more than a few bucks.
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But as you grow up, sometimes you've got to learn to nurture your vices in a healthy fashion and assess your faults with a more responsible mind. Yes, I still enjoy running through 99 cent stores like a wild pack hyena grabbing everything in sight while yelling 'I CAN AFFORD YOU ALLLL!' on a semi-daily basis. But now, at least, I've learned the fine art of choosing what I'm going to buy wisely. Basically, just because you have enough money to purchase doesn't necessarily give you the green light that tells you that buying something is a good idea. Or, more directly - there's really no need to be spending our hard-earned money on crap. And this, friends, this is where the dollar stores become a dangerous entity. They might have some great bargains, but amidst them, there's a whole lotta bullshit.
So with that, today I decided to go to 99 Cent City and show you all some of the really poor examples of 'good spending.' These are the types of things you should generally avoid at all cost, and use as a template in your future store-goings and be-buyings. It's my latest and greatest crusade to make you, the naive consumer, a much smarter shopper. You can thank me later, but for now, let's have a good time poking fun at some of the most idiotic products to hit store shelves this decade.
Indian Sex: Yes, one letter with an unfortunate slant makes it look as though the kids aisle is selling purebred, steamy Indian Sex for just ninety-nine measly cents. I polled three people in the store, and they all agreed that it takes a real close inspection to reveal that this actually says 'Indian Set,' which amazingly is a title even less clear and clever than the pornographic one. Poverty-stricken kids who are urged to form their wish lists from dollar store toys this coming Christmas are sure to give Santa at least one coffee spit-take while he's reading the want-sheets.
Santa: A pony, a Playstation, Matchbox cars, Indian sex, Hello Kitty lip balm....wha-hhhat?! Wait a damn minute. Ay Mrs. Claus, c'mere! Did you see what this kid put on his list? I'm in shock!
Mrs. Claus: Let me see that. And stop calling me 'Mrs. Claus'! My name's Mary you fat oaf.
Santa: Just look at that list. See anything wrong with it? What's gotten into kids these days?
Mrs. Claus: I see what you mean. A Playstation?! That's so 1997. Kids today...so out of touch.
Plus, it's not just a toy with a bad name, it's also pretty stupid as a toy in it's own right. I can't be sure, but I don't think plastic Indian figure sets should include army figures holding rifles. This amalgam of historic significance will only confuse kids into thinking that Indians pose a threat to our national protection, when in actuality they only pose a threat to would-be casino moguls in the Northeast.
Really Offensive Perfume: It was my understanding that the point of perfume was to make you smell nice and to add to your overall appeal. I didn't think we were using it to raise such questions as 'did someone kill a skunk in here?' or 'who's carrying around a festering corpse?' Dollar-store perfume typically confuses customers by having names very similar phonetically to name brands - for example, instead of CK1, you'd see a bottle that looks just like it marked 'CCK1,' with a price sticker over the first 'C.' It'd be the perfect crime if the store didn't make the mistake of leaving a tester bottle out, revealing the true menace - a smell so bad it could drop a redwood in three nanoseconds flat.
On the plus side, they usually smell better than bug spray and work twice as well in killing roaches, a side-attribute I theorize having something to do with using lemon-scented rat poison as a primary ingredient. If you need to smell good, just shower regularly. Don't depend on mislabeled bug spray for an air of flowery pleasantness - even if it does only cost you a dollar.
 
McDonalds Grimace Puzzle: From the box: 'It's a game...it's a puzzle...it's a GUZZLE!' A guzzle? Not just any guzzle - the official McDonalds Grimace Guzzle, a game so difficult you'll probably go to jail after playing it for attempted murder on the purple bastard, attacked just for being associated with the beast. A long time ago, in an early X-E article, I did a bit about not understanding quite was Grimace was supposed to be - what he was supposed to represent. Because of that, it makes total sense that his puzzle game ends up being so esoteric and stupid. If the puzzle was fat and purple, it'd be a perfect iconic match. As it stands now, it's just a waste of a dollar better spent on four consecutive prank phone calls to the local Chinese restaurant from a payphone.
Awesome Dishwashing Liquid: I don't have much to add to that. There's actually something called 'Awesome Dishwashing Liquid.' A great complimentary item to your Tubular Brillow Pads and your Dangerous Sponges. Awesome Dishwashing Liquid! Party with the plate! Suare with the silverware! Bash with the bowls! Buy soap that isn't just color-dyed water! Freak with the forks!
Well, that went nowhere fast. I guess you can't do comedy when you're dealing with such a magnum opus of the funnies as this. How do you top something when it's very title is the most hysterical thing yet heard on God's green earth. You don't - but that doesn't mean you give up and buy the shit...you just don't try to outfunny it.
Evil Undertaker Party Balloons: Anyone who watches the WWF knows that the Undertaker recently did a 'heel turn' - that being when a wrestler becomes a bad guy to illicit jeers from the crowd and give the top good guy a fresh face to fight with. So instead of coming out on a motorcycle, kicking ass, and raising his arm to the crowd - now the Undertaker comes out on a motorcycle, kicks ass, and frowns a lot. The subtle differences really shake things up. The thing of it is, there really isn't any way to turn a guy like the Undertaker heel unless you're gonna have him come out with Force Pikes, impaling the fans through the neck while reciting Iraqi sympathy pleas. I mean, this is a guy who was crucifying other wrestlers on crosses just a scant few years ago. How are we supposed to think he's more evil now when he doesn't even shoot lightning out of his fists from atop stadium roofs anymore? Now he's just lazy evil. And lazy evil people don't deserve their own balloons.
Inappropriate Seafood: If you're ever in the mood for sliced octopus or strips of calamari, you'd think it'd be common knowledge to seek better outlets than a 99-cent store, but here we are and there it is. You've really gotta feel bad for the poor souls stupid enough to think it'd be remotely safe eating fish from a place that still has Quiz Wiz colored popcorn sitting on their shelves from 1988. I was reminded on that episode of Charles in Charge where Baio gets amnesia after eating some bad clams. If he got amnesia from that, I can only assume that people who eat ten-year old cuttlefish from the dollar store explode into vibrant streams of confetti. Even though you can buy sardines at a fraction of the cost of a supermarket here, it's really not worth a 500 dollar hospital bill when they have to give you a stomach bypass because of it.
Remember to figure in the extended total cost and potential added expenses before making purchases, compatriots.
 
Ridiculous Ethnic Statuettes: I've got nothing against ethnic art - but the ass on that chick on the right is seven times larger than her head. It shouldn't be any more than four times larger. Not a good buy.
Patriotic Hair Gel: Ever since all the bad shit that went down with terrorism this past year, seems like every friggin' company on the planet is trying to make themselves bristle with Americana. Hell, we've even seen it on the Internet. This very site had a Statue of Liberty site logo for a few weeks. So I won't be a hypocrite and say that it's wrong to cash in on tragedy and exploit intense feelings of nationalistic fever for personal gain, but I do think we've really gotta draw the line at HAIR GEL. Come on, there's nothing even remotely American about this hair gel - we spend way too much money on our looks, and this watered-down goop wouldn't hold hair up even if you entered an antigravity chamber. If this was really American hair gel, it'd have to keep our hair stiff as a ship plank. Only middle-easterners would use Dippity-Do of this sorta disposition. So no, this gel - it ain't US, my fellow Americans. It's THEM. And they're the ENEMY. Keep your dollar in your pocket - buying this will only fund the nuclear warhead that will destroy us all.
'My Mommy Is Having A Baby': A self-help kit that helps ease the interaction between a pregnant parent and their child. Because you know, when those types of important home issues come up, the first place you should look to for help is the nearby dollar store. I'm sure this one is a top seller.
 
Bootleg Winnie The Pooh Doll: Does 'miel' mean 'honey', or does this doll double as a word-scrambler game. Wait - I got it - it's LIME! Woo hoo ten points.
Star Wars Queen Amidala 'Galactic Body Wash': And you thought 'Awesome Dishwashing Liquid' was the most idiotic product title we'd come across today. Shame on you! I can only guess that Galactic Body Wash is what you use after handling moon rocks or radioactive Mars soil. Either way I'm glad we can wash off interstellar dust with something that smells so much like green apples. You Go George.
Dick Tracy Party Favors: If you hate your kid, and his classmates-invited birthday party is coming up, here's the type of festive decor you should shoot for. I think I was the only person who enjoyed the influx of Dick Tracy shit when the movie came out years back - but even so, that was a LONG time ago. I can't think of a single good use for Tracy party napkins and Tracy party cups other than serving ware on the Island of Misfit Toys. Where do dollar stores even find stuff like this, I thought all Dick Tracy movie memorabilia was burned in 1995 as a sort of effigy protesting all movies that had Jake Rossi in the cast.
PS, was it supposed to be a surprise that Breathless turned out to be The Blank in that flick? Who were we supposed to expect? When I saw this in theaters, the sound of 150 people shouting 'I KNEW IT'D BE MADONNA' in unison shattered my eardrums so bad that I didn't have a good enough auditory memory to even make fun of the 'When Do We Eat' jingle. On the plus side, the Brow looked great in a maroon fedora. Really great.
PRICES SLASHED ON FOIL PANS:
Dollar Store Boss: Sales are pretty good, but I feel that we need to expand. You know what they say - if your business isn't growing, it's failing.
Dollar Store Exec: Are you suggesting some type of promotion to boost interest in the store?
Dollar Store Boss: Actually I was thinking of something more along the lines of a contest involving a piñata filled with our expired cuttlefish - but that sounds serviceable too. What should we do?
Dollar Store Exec: Well, I did have this one idea, but its....nah, nah...it's...it's too out there.
Dollar Store Boss: Now don't hold back son - if you've got an idea that can help my store, I demand to hear it!
Dollar Store Exec: Well I was kinda thinking we could slash the prices on our foil pans down by 40 cents.
Dollar Store Boss: That's just the type of edgy, hotshot bits of marketing brilliance I'm paying you for! Make it so!
And hence, now we have 59 cent foil pans.
 
The store did redeem itself by offering a variety of Pokemon video cassettes for a dollar a pop, but let's face it, the damage has already been done. Take what you have learned today and use it wisely. Your money is valuable. Don't waste it on terrorist-funded hair gel or old sardines. Use it for the powers of good. Thank you very much.
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