Pokemon Chewing Gum
The jury's still out on Pokemon's candy sensation, Poke Gum. On one hand, it's sufficiently sweet and sticky, and does wonders to aid you in dislodging pretzels from your teeth when toothpicks aren't readily available. Unfortunately, it seems as though the gum is actually born stale, and it'll take you a good few minutes of chewing to get it to stop trying to act like little strips of pure pink concrete. I can overlook all the flaws for one very important reason: there's pictures of the Pokemon creatures stamped on each piece. I've gotta give the distributors credit for cashing in on what's sure to be this decade's most honored craze, edible photography.
As most X-E readers know, I'm a Pokemon nut. It's not something I'm particularly proud of, but to date there aren't any support groups available to help me conquer my Pokedemons. You think alcoholism makes you a drain on society? Try spending every paycheck you get on Pokemon DVDs, not because you like the episodes, but because you can't live without the free plastic 3-D Lugia pog. I have a sickness, and I'm not afraid to admit that I need help. Until that day, things like Poke Gum will come to and from my life like some irresistible drug that gives me a few seconds of pleasure, but a lifetime of guilt and personal disdain.
This gum's heavy stuff.
On sale at Toys R' Us for a mere 40 cents a pack, I picked up a few without hesitation. It's a proven fact that nobody, nobody can resist buying anything from a TRU if it has the glorious red clearance sticker on it. I don't care if they put collections of dead canaries in discarded pizza boxes on their aisle shelves -- if they throw the clearance sticker on it, consumers will go wild.
Besides, look at those wrappers. Foil-embossed!! You just don't turn down reflective foil packages. I'm thoroughly convinced that when God decides to make his presence known to us once more, it'll be with the sole intent to make that a commandment. Thy shall not deny thy foil wrapper. Praise the lord, and His holy foil.
The gum is a combination of sugar and poor stamping ability. I've seen a big number of pieces, and they're almost never centered. It's like some special bonus when you get a strip that has at least 75% of the Pokemon's body still intact. Unfortunately, it all works on the luck of the draw. You have no idea what type of Pokemon gum you're gonna end up with till you open the package. What am I getting at? I wanted Pikachu! What'd I get? Friggin' Kabutops. That's like going to an autograph session for Howard Stern and finding out he's been replaced with Michael Gross. You're not so turned off that you get off the line, but you stand there complaining and grinding your teeth and by the time everything's done, you've killed the dad from Family Ties in cold blood and those thankful are asking you for an autograph.
Kabutops my ass. Couldn't they have at least given me Venonat?
 
Each pack comes with a Pokemon character card, the flipside of which is part of a puzzle. So if you want to be sure to drink your ovaltine and decode the special message (a Pokemon logo), you'll have to eat approximately 48,000 strips of stale gum, since getting doubles is a tough standard in life. I'm thankful for the cards though - they provide a nice cardboard backing in the gum pack which keeps it from breaking into sixty pieces. Well, sometimes anyway...
Other times, you open the pack and BAM! Ten trillion pieces of broken Poke Gum. But not to fear! This is actually a good thing - when this happens, the gum doubles as an edible puzzle. Now that's the best type of puzzle: when you get frustrated trying to figure out which piece goes where and why nothing's lining up correctly, you can just eat the damn beast and move on to the crossword puzzle section of your local newspaper. I wish everything with a modicum of difficulty to complete came with this type of intense personal ego panhandling. I know I would've loved the Rubik's Cube a whole lot more if I could eat it when it pissed me off.
Anyway, sometimes the best entertainment occurs sheerly by accident. There's a lot of things you can do with Poke Gum that, while fun, simply weren't meant to happen. It's either bored nonsense or cerebral ingenuity, but no matter what, it's just too stupid to keep to myself. Here's a few fantastic activities with Poke Gum that're sure to brighten your day...
Indian Poke Gum Teepees: I only wish I had a stock of half-inch Native American action figures to complete the set. As it stands now, I like to think of this as the Abandoned Indian Village - the tribe left after everyone thought they were pansies because they lived in pink tents. Now it's something of a historical landmark on the famed Poke trail, a place where tourists stop to take pictures, ponder the meaning of life, and of course, chew lots of free gum.
Edible Business Cards: Business cardsarchive/quickies/22/ are a staple in the lives of professionals everywhere. And the smartest entrepreneurs know that there's a lot of stock that should be put into your personal card's design and appearance. It's how people who know nothing about you judge your abilities. So, if you accidentally misspell the state you live in, everybody you give your card to is gonna think you're a big re-re. But if you use high-gloss cards with a great logo and bold print, they'll think you're part of an unknown super-race who can multiply numbers with pi equations in your head. If you give them a candy business card though, they'll think your Santa Claus. And the holidays mean big business. You just landed yourself a new client, and all it cost you was a piece of Poke Gum.
Poke Gum Croquet: Yup. An edible miarchive/quickies/22/ni croquet game. How this wasn't invented years ago is beyond me, it's obviously got all the tools necessary to be a top seller. The best part? You finally have a valid excuse to roll up your used gum into little balls using the palms of your hand. So now you won't have to stutter and feel stupid when somebody asks what you're doing. 'Just getting ready for a little croquet tournament. Winner eats all.'
Final score? Out of a possible 10, I give Poke Gum at 6.7. It tastes a lot better than the gum you'd find stuck in a pack of 1986 Donruss baseball cards, and it's got thrice the uses. I'd score it higher, but to date it doesn't come in a lemon-lime flavor. Kudos to the Pokemon suits for finding a way to make even gum a collectible. We all bow to the marketing gods for that one. We all bow for Poke Gum.
- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com
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