Castlevania Villains!


Castlevania was one of the most universally loved Nintendo games ever, but sadly, only Simon got the longevity nod. While the Bowsers and Ganons of the world keep popping up on new video game systems, the villains of Castlevania ended up being about as memorable as that sheet of fifteen scratch n' sniff stickers you bought from the Troll Book Club back in 2nd grade. And, believe it or not - these characters have appeared in like a dozen of the games now. And still we forget them!

Until today.

I thought it'd be interesting to do a little tribute to Castlevania's bad guys. Then I remembered that ideas like this tend to end up being only interesting to me, and some reader in South America who'll e-mail me seven months from now thanking me for shedding a new light on a game that his government once outlawed. That realization didn't kick in till after I got all the pics sorted, so I'm just gonna do it anyway.

If you've never played the game - here's the characters you can look forward to killing. If you have played the game though, here's a picture of a cute deer, just to make you happy too.


Zombies: The easiest bad guys in the game stalk towards you with the arms held high - weapon of choice is possibly intense body odor. They move quite slowly, proving the old adage true: never pass the baton to a dead guy. Apparently, these are shitty surplus zombies - one crack of the whip will do them in. What they lack in every other department they make up for in numbers, since there's oodles of these useless cretins that serve as the only thing stopping you from finding the 'bonus meat' hidden in the castle walls. I guess Drac's fridge was too full of severed heads.

Blue Bats: Neither very blue or particularly bat-like, these guys cling to the ceiling, just waiting for the perfect opportunity to fly in your general direction. Hey, cut them a little slack, bats are blind. You can kill them with pretty much any available weapon in the game, but why would you wanna do that? Bats are virtually harmless - take a stand for animal rights and leave the guys alone. Maybe, together, we can shed that whole bad stigma bats have. They're not evil - they're just a little ugly.

White Skeleton: A huge Day of the Dead celebration enthusiast, the White Skeleton alternates between throwing his ribcage bones at you, and dancing. Yep, he's a dancer all right. He's not a tough character to kill, but you might run into a problem since his moves are so amusing -- it's really hard to commit to ending the life of someone who's got this much rhythm.


Red Bats: Like the blue bats, only less blue. Instead of chilling on the ceiling, these guys fly at you in a weird wavy pattern that indicates Dracula's cruel animal treatment - he's evidently feeding these guys cleaning fluid, and now all they can do is sorta glide around haphazardly until someone puts them out of their misery. Is that someone you? Do you have what it takes to defeat the ultimate villain? I hope so - I really hope so.

Black Knight: Jesus, what's going on with all the color descriptions in the names? I'm not making the titles up, they're right in the manuals. I feel like I'm trying to do the Hellfire Club's family tree. Anyway, you've gotta hit this guy a few times to kill him, otherwise it'd be pretty pointless for him to wear armor in the first place. He's not a tough villain by any stretch, but his presence is a lot more menacing because he actually looks like something, not just a blob of pixels that vaguely resembles a monster. Black Knights tend to pace back and forth with no real intention - my best guess is that they saw an old episode of I Love Lucy where Desi paced long enough to cause a 3" downdrop in the floor, and they're wondering if that could really happen.

Eagle: I don't know why they call this guy an eagle - he's obviously a crow, anyone can see that. Still, if this thing thinks it's an eagle, it MUST be crazy, so watch out. Just another 'pest' villain - you'll have to try really hard to lose a battle to one of these things. They'd be more effective if they dropped rocks on your head, but hindsight is 20/20, right?


Black Leopard: These guys kinda just sit around sniffing their asses unless you get too close - then they charge at you. Fortunately, it doesn't take a whole lot to kill them off. If you can get past the shock and terror of having a big black dog run at you, you'll be throwing potion at Medusa in no time.

Skeleton: Oddly, there's a Masters of the Universe toy that looks exactly like this thing. An immobile two-headed dragon statue that spits fire doesn't really sound like a 'skeleton' to me, but then again, the manual kept insisting that I use an 'intensive attack' on Frankenstein. I haven't played the game in awhile, but I remember always thinking these were some of the most annoying enemies. Not because they were so tough to kill, but rather because I have a fetish-level hatred of anything with two heads.

Skele-Dragon: He's got a long, bobbing neck that breathes fire. Unfortunately, that long neck isn't too durable so he's easily killed. Come to think of it, everyone we've looked at so far is easy to kill. Damn, why was this game so hard to begin with? Was it all the pitfalls? The time clock? Was I a double-agent for the Count who didn't really want to win?


Fish Man: Not only does this guy jump 20' out of the water onto a platform near you - he also spits fireballs! He's the total package in humanoid fish creatures. They're actually one of the tougher enemies because they only show up by the hundreds when you're stuck jumping from one three-inch plank to another. Of course, they're talents are negated since they show up in parts of the game's stages that you really don't even need to go into. Oh well. Demographics are a bitch.

Ghost: The Ghosts cling to you and eat away your life energy, like the eboli virus or a lonely grandmother. They look more like flying cum stains than ghosts, but either way they can hurt you so always keep that whip ready. They're extra pissed because nobody bothered giving them a cool name. You know, like 'Fish Man.'

Red Skeleton: The Red Skeleton isn't a dancing idiot like the other one - this guy's all business. What's more - you can't really kill him because he always regenerates from his broken bones. He doesn't just vanish to pixel pixie heaven like the rest of the video game world. Also note that his hands are almost the size of his skull.


Small Medusa: They're nothing to laugh about, but still easy to beat. Lil' Medusa flies at you in a cryptic pattern, and it's up to you: you can either kill her, or just avoid contact. Medusa's not malicious and she appears to be in a rush - if you get past her, she's not gonna go all 'I'M GONNA FINISH THIS SHIT' on you by turning around and trying again. She's cool like that. The dawgs like Small Medusa.

Hunchback: Like the Ghosts, Hunchbacks also adopt the 'cling sting' method of attack. They're especially vicious because they're jealous of Simon's leg length. I prefer to think of these guys as shaved monkeys, because I've always had this fantasy where Dracula included chimpanzees in with bats and wolves in his unholy animal transformations. Draculape? Dracongo?!

Axe Man: The last of the 'regular' characters, and the toughest by far. Axe Men are true killers: they can reflect your attacks using their shield, and their axe doubles as a boomerang. There's no one clear cut method of successful attack on this guy, but I suggest trying to reason with him. If that doesn't work, throw enough Fire Bombs to blow up Detroit.

BOSS CHARACTERS:

Phantom Bat: Unlike the other bats in the game, the Phantom Bat has a small chance of killing Simon. If only he would've picked a better place to attack you - all you've really gotta do is hide and throw a few axes at his wings, and you'll be safe. Amazingly, when you destroy him, he turns into bonus items! Silly Bat, did you try eating the Triple Shot again? Relatively harmless when compared to the other boss characters, the Phantom Bat's leg length envy even surpasses that of the Hunchback -- this guy doesn't even have legs!

Queen Medusa: There's two generally accepted 'good' ways of killing this glowing ugly idiot. One way is by throwing fire bombs, (which I always called 'potion') but the best way is by using the watch to stop time - when she's stuck in limbo, you can mash up her face all you want. Again, not a tough character to beat, but impressive nonetheless. It's hard not to get a little excited when you're fighting a 6' floating head that shits out snakes.

Mummy Men: Two of these guys attack you at once, and they're bona fide tough. They don't try to kill you using any sort of creative means, but they don't really need to because, evidently, someone bestowed them the ominous power of 'touch of death.' It takes around sixteen trillion whip slashes to kill even one of them, so you'll have to rely on throwing-type weapons to make sure they don't have the opportunity to crush your skull. Best bet? Boomerang. Not the weapon - the movie starring Eddie Murphy. They love that flick and will cease battling immediately if you give 'em the chance to watch it.


Frankenstein & Igor: Frank's attacks aren't unlike the Mummy's, but he's got added power in Igor, who hops around like a crackhead, totally diverting your attention and completely wiping out your energy. This duo is very tough to beat - some call them the toughest characters in the entire game. I wouldn't go that far -- those black leopards really were a sight to behold. Still, with a few hundred well-placed dagger shots, you should be successful. If not, there's always Hogan's Alley.

Grim Reaper: Yes! My favorite enemy in the game, and also one of the most difficult. Grimmy flies around the room throwing a sickle, and you've really gotta know your stuff to get past him. What I don't get is how the Count got this guy on the payroll. I mean, I can understand Frankenstein, he's stupid. I can understand the Mummy twins, they need money. But for the Count to get the living embodiment of death on his team...it just goes to show you how important your mission actually is. By the way, his sickle looks more like a banana tied to a stick, but that's okay, because both weapons are deadly.

The Count: The final character, the strongest enemy, the biggest boss. They call him the 'Count,' but we all know he's Dracula. Though we'll have to forget everything we thought we knew about Vlad and start from scratch, because I don't recall Dracula ever breathing fire. Combine that with his 'warping' abilities, and you're fighting one tough, ugly cookie. The only way to defeat him is by sending Nintendo two proofs-of-purchase and a buck ninety-five to cover shipping costs for the secret tip. I'll give you a hint, though: his groin is not invulnerable.

Soooo...what do you get if you make it through the adventure? What amazing rewards await you if you beat all of the above enemies and succeed on your way to victory? What incredible ending has Konami put together for you?


Absolute shit.

Go play Arkanoid instead.


- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com