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Pyramid Power!
Who knew that all the riches and fortunes in the universe could be yours just for wearing a shoddy metal pendant vaguely shaped like a pyramid?
Yes, friends - together, we can discover the ancient mysteries of the Pyramid Pendant! The ad calls it the most 'remarkable piece of jewelry ever created,' pissing off Catholics everywhere and starting a hot new trend: dirty brass wearables. The people responsible for this 'Pyramid Energizer' swear that your very reality will be shifted in a more positive direction stemming solely from you wearing an ugly ten-dollar pyramid. But with a slight twist of fate, the Pyramid Pendant could've outclassed the rosary beads as the hospice's #1 seller. Unfortunately, things turned out a bit differently...
I found this advertisement in a 1977 sci-fi mag titled Ancient Astronauts - a collection of 'true' stories about aliens on Earth, impending alien invasions, aliens disguised as sasquatches, and other generally alien things. The stories are presented in such a way that only people idiotic enough to believe that UFOs are currently congregating in the East coast sewer system could enjoy them - at least on a nonfiction level. They're pretty fun to read as a comedy piece - especially the blurb about Jonas' death being ordered by aliens. You've got to appreciate the balls of this mag's editors for printing that one.
The idea here is that pyramids in general have supernatural properties which, of course, inevitably end up with the potential customer either losing weight, winning the lottery, or becoming a very good tennis player. Okay, okay - let's assume for a second that the ancient Egyptians did have some witchy ungodly powers attached to themselves and their mighty Great Pyramid. I hardly think the pharaoh would've made a decree stating that anything shaped like a pyramid - even shitty pieces of jewelry from hundreds of years into the future - must bear overwhelming unearthly power.
Advertisements of this type were hardly uncommon in magazines like this, especially from the 60s and 70s. If you can get your hands on one of these sorts of publications, you'll likely find no less than a dozen ads that promise the buyer magic powers, and if you're lucky, the ability to fashion a fur coat with a simple magic spell and a few plucked eyebrow hairs. They're great as a novelty or a curiosity item, but you've really gotta feel bad for the poor, despondent people who fall for it time and time again. It's still going on today, too - check out the classifieds section of Weekly World News. Believe it or not, some people are stupid enough to think the magazine's meant to be taken seriously. So after they get done telling Pa and Cousin Joanie to beware of Batboy, they're stuffing a big envelope with a SASE and 6.95 so they can learn how to become invisible.
Sooo, what does the ad boast? What grand powers are available to all those who bear the striking powers of the PYRAMID? Well, with the SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE in the palm of your hand, you can look forward to quite a bit. Here's what you should know:
* Botanists have discovered that plants flourish as never before when placed beneath a pyramid.
Of course they do - violets walk like an Egyptain.
* Doctors and dentists have found that pyramid energizers seems to promote rapid healing.
Unless he's talking about Isaac Yankem and the Doctor of Style, Slick, I'd say that the writers here were taking some heavy creative liberties. Or they're just outright lying. Sounded nicer the first way.
* A major newspaper has reported that pyramids can make cigarette smoke milder.
That's why a shard of pyramid clay is the secret ingredient in every pack of Marlboro Milds.
* Businessmen claim they work more efficiently with a pyramid present.
Personally, I work more efficiently with a guy in a clown suit yelling 'GO GO GO FASTER, FASTER, FASTER' at me while hopping. I guess a Pyramid Pendant would be cheaper, though.
Wondering how it works? According to the description, when properly aligned with magnetic north (always avoid polaric southeast, everyone knows that) the pendant will unleash a powerful force called bio-cosmic energy. The Pyramid Pendant sounds suspiciously like the Infinity Gauntlet or the Cosmic Cube - can any comic fans check to see if Thanos ever tried killing Adam Warlock with this thing?
Surprisingly, the authenticity of this item is unmatched - it's been officially okayed by The Talisman Guild. But really...what isn't? I've been okayed by them, too. The ad goes on to use the word 'may' a lot, telling you that you *MIGHT* become more relaxed, might become a better love-maker, might have more luck, might grow 50' tall, and so on.
Cost: 9.95 plus 75 cents shipping - the pyramid's power doesn't extend to post office rates.
Join The Pyramid Revolution!
- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com
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