|
Venom: You do realize that, once we open this box, we've marked a sort of social epiphany that classifies us as losers from now till the day we die, right?
Legless Maul: Well I can't find any cards and there's nothing good on television, so I say we throw caution to the wind and run with it.
Venom: Maul - this is a game for five-year-olds. Not just any five-year-olds -- five-year-old girls.
Legless Maul: Look, I'm in touch with my feminine side. You have any idea how long it takes for me to apply this much make up? Let's just be adults about this and see who can reach Candy Kingdom first.
Venom: Well, what are the stakes here? What does the winner get?
Legless Maul: Bragging rights and the last slice of pizza. Let's play.
Article continued below advertisement:
Visit our sponsors to support the site!
Legless Maul: Who knew Candy Land had such a rich history?
Venom: Lord Licorice looks just like my old college roommate. Only he hated licorice. Funny, right?
Legless Maul: Christ every time we do something I've gotta hear about these alleged former roommates of yours. It's getting old. Besides, you never went to college.
Venom: Are you kidding - Baruch is my alma mater!
Legless Maul: Pretty ironic that you graduated from one of the top business schools on the country, only to end up eating brains for a living. Jackass.
Venom: Shut up and prepare to lose. I'm a Candy Land Master.
Venom: I get to be the red piece!
Legless Maul: Are you out of your mind?! I'm always red!
Venom: Like Billie Jean says, fair is fair. I picked it first. You're screwed. Take yellow, it suits you better anyway.
Legless Maul: I'd sooner not play at all than take the stupid yellow piece. And I don't believe in that whole 'blue is a boy color too' bullcrap. I don't care how many mothers paint their sons asses blue, it's still a wussy shade.
Venom: So what are you saying, Maul - that we've reached an impasse in the game even though we haven't even started playing it yet?! Come on!
Legless Maul: Okay, I propose a compromise. You can have the red piece if I get to use a neutral piece of my own choosing...
Legless Maul: I choose the Dead Baby piece. I dunno, it just seemed like...me.
Venom: Forget the pizza - WINNER EATS THE DEAD BABY EH!
Legless Maul: Now that's what I'm talking about. This game just got hella serious.
Venom: Hmmm. 'Hella'?
Legless Maul: Isn't that what all the kids are saying these days?
Venom: No, but I'm pretty sure that's what all the kids are beating up other kids for saying. Can we start the game yet?
Legless Maul: Soon - very soon. First, a riddle: what's white and black, and red all over?
Venom: A newspaper!
Legless Maul: Nope - a zebra that I CUT OPEN WITH MY MEGA DUAL-BLADED LIGHTSABER! OHHH YOU DAMN RIGHT! SAY IT WITH ME! MAUL'S GOT A SERIOUS CASE OF THE FUNNY!
Venom: ....
Legless Maul: Now we can play.
Legless Maul: I got a double-red card, which as you know, means automatic victory.
Venom: All that means is that you get to go two red spaces, you dolt. Stop trying to cheat.
Legless Maul: Yeah but, seriously, I just drew the game-killing card. You should just give up now and save yourself a whole lotta unneeded heartache.
Venom: Venom is no quitter.
Legless Maul: Fine. Just hurry it along, I'm having a boil lanced at 7 and then going to a midnight showing of Plan 9 at the theater on 12th and 3rd.
Venom: If you make one more Seinfeld reference today, I swear to God, I'll rip out your eyeballs.
Venom: HA, look at that! Now I get to skip all the way to Holly Howdy Sweetooth Valley Gumdrop Land! I'm in the lead!
Legless Maul: A simple technicality meant to add suspense and intrigue to my impending victory.
Venom: You're too confident. I'm way ahead of you now. You're really gonna have to start drawing the Super-Cards to pull through this one.
Legless Maul: Exactly. And it turns out I have a very special card right here, yes, a very very special --
Venom: ENOUGH! I'm so tired of that joke! Oooh, do it. Pull the stupid Draw-Four Wild Card from Uno out of your shirt to promote unexpected offbeat humor. It's SO funny, especially the 6,000th time you do it. Oh, the hilarity!
Legless Maul: You know, it's comments like that that cause people to get killed. If you didn't continually crush my hopes of being a comedian, I wouldn't have to be an evil Jedi who murders people anymore.
Legless Maul: QUEEN FROSTINE! Somebody call the Hall of Records - this game's over!
Venom: Damn.
Legless Maul: So what do you wanna do - forfeit now or wait out the 30 more seconds it'll take for me to beat you.
Venom: Okay, granted, Queen Frostine is a great card and I have little chance of winning - but I told you, I never quit. Let's just finish the game.
Legless Maul: I admire your sportsmanship, you soon-to-be big fat loser.
Venom: Maul, c'mon...this is just insulting.
Legless Maul: What do you want from me? I can't hear you when I'm at the finish line and you're all the way down there! I don't want you to have to shout and damage that great throat of yours. I know the singing voice is your meal ticket.
Venom: Why can't you just be a gracious winner?
Legless Maul: Because I'm an evil, card carrying Lord of the Sith. You should be grateful I'm not trying to steal your spiritual essence or something of that ilk.
Venom: You're a spiteful little toad, aren't you?
Venom: Well, you won. Guess that makes up for not landing a part in Episode II, huh?
Legless Maul: Very funny. Now if only you had a crutch to get over not being in Spider-Man.
Venom: Touche. Go ahead, eat the dead baby. You earned it.
Legless Maul: If you want, I'll save you the toes.
Venom: No thanks - not kosher.
Legless Maul: I can't even begin to tell you what a terrific idea this was. Dead babies and Fluff are just absolutely heaven in my mouth.
Venom: Way to gloat, Mr. No-Legs.
Legless Maul: Now now, don't get jealous. Maybe next time we play you'll draw the Queen Frostine card, and get to eat a dead baby drenched in marshmallowy goodness. At least you have a goal now, right?
Venom: Shut up. Anyway, what do you want to do now? Are you gonna relish this victory all day long, or can we find something else to do?
Legless Maul: I dunno, I think I saw some crayons in the drawer inside. Wanna draw some clowns?
Venom: Okay! Evil clowns.
Legless Maul: Course!
|
|
|
|
