Zorba the Hutt's Revenge!
Zorba The Hutt's Revenge is a 'young readers' Star Wars book published in 1992. I picked it up in a hurry back then, of course being a devout SW nut and a secret worshipper of Jabba. It's essentially the story of Jabba's father, Zorba, getting out of prison after a long sentence only to find that his son was killed and the family empire destroyed. Hell-bent on revenge, he vows to slay Princess Leia for murdering his fat kid. The story takes place a few years after Return of the Jedi, where the Imperial threat has all but diminished and the New Republic was on top of the galaxy.
It's actually a pretty neat story, so I wanted to do a small book review here in the Quickies department. Sadly, it's been around a decade since I last read the book, and even then I only skimmed through it for buzzwords like 'Hutt' and 'lightsaber.' Keeping in mind that I've got the attention span of candle wax, there's little chance I'm going to reread the book to give you a full-fledged straight review. Instead, I'm going to present to you a quick sum up of Zorba The Hutt's Revenge, in my very special MS Paint enhanced comic strip. I'm pretty sure this is how the story went, but Father Time's never been too sweet to my memory, so I'll apologize in advance to writers Paul and Hollace Davids if I ended up taking a few liberties with this adaptation.
Zorba is Jabba the Hutt's father. For years he was in prison for doing really terrible things, like spice smuggling, murder, and eating frogs. He looks a lot like his son, save for the Huttese tuft of gray hair that adds a sense of experienced dignity to his otherwise slobbish appearance.
The vile creature is elated to be a free Hutt once again -- finally, he can reunite with his son and take back his criminal empire. This should've been one of the most joyous days in Zorba's life. And it's a shame it wasn't meant to play out like that, because damn...Hutts don't get happy often, but when they do, they really know how to party. Destiny however isn't shining on the smiles today, and Zorba is about to receive some terrible, terrible news.
A Twilek tells Zorba that his son was killed during a successful rescue by members of the Rebel Alliance who wanted to save Han Solo's life. The alien messenger explains that Leia, who at the time was Jabba's girlfriend, decided that she couldn't really get used to the slimebag and choked him to death with her slave chain. In the midst of the action, most of Jabba's chosen comrades perished, and his fortunes were either stolen by looters or repossessed by law establishments previously too afraid to incur Jabba's wrath.
Zorba, incensed, promises to make Leia pay for her unforgivable actions. He crafts a plot to end Leia's life, opting to hire out a bounty hunter to do his dirty Huttwork...
The wormish gangster meets up with his old bounty hunter contact, the lizardman Bossk. Bossk isn't capable of much more than a few growls and sneers, but he gets the job done and his arms are longer than most sectional couches. Dressed in a peach-colored flightsuit, this brazen hunter has amassed a despicable reputation throughout the known universe as one of the most ruthless, heartless beings ever to grace the Land of the Talking Oyster Dancers. You'd be really impressed with that title if you knew what kind of scum usually frequent the Land of the Talking Oyster Dancers.
A unique hunter in every sense of the word, Bossk curiously only accepts mass amounts of candy corn as payment on the acquisitions he collects. Zorba, fortunately, had just enough candy corn left to hire Bossk for this dire task. Looks like one of the New Republic's best is in some serious trouble!
Princess Leia Organa has had a whirlwind of a life ever since the great battle on Endor and the destruction of the second Death Star. Now leading the New Republic to heights previously thought impossible, the beautiful diplomat has also married longtime love Han Solo, with which she has a few children. Furthermore, after an unfortunate incident with a leaky power converter, most of Leia's body was badly burned and, after cyborg surgery, her head now resides atop a radio-controlled Tyco army tank. Now small in stature but always huge at heart, this ambassador of democracy promises to bring the galaxy to a level of peace that would make Jimmy Smits roll around in his grave with delight. Leia also likes cookies.
Her radio-controlled army tank torso is navigated by Rebel hero Chewbacca, the fuzziest good guy this side of Coruscant. Chewy often accidentally leads Leia into danger by falling asleep at the controls, but everybody forgives him because, after all, he's only a Wookie. Chewy enjoys cookies too, but not as much as Leia.
Bossk arrives and announces his intentions to slay Leia, and the princess is very scared! Using her expert skills in diplomacy, she persuades the dragon man to tell her what she's worth to him: 20,000 pieces of candy corn. Frantically, Leia's gears turn - the figurative gears in her head, not the literal ones in her tank. Suddenly it hits her: there just might be a way out of this! Bounty hunters are notorious for being loyal only to the highest bidder. Turns out Leia may be able to match Zorba's price, and maybe go even higher! Bossk agrees to hold off shooting her until everything can be sorted out.
Leia thinks that she may find salvation by seeking the help of her brother, Jedi knight Luke Skywalker. Luke has opened and run a successful business in recent months, a business which may end up saving his sister's life.
Mr. Skywalker's Candy Corn & Vegetables store, located in Cloud City, is the galaxy's leading source for both candy corn and celery. Leia begs Luke to offer Bossk more candy corn than Zorba could ever dream of having, and of course, her brother is more than happy to oblige.
Bossk is very pleased with his new bounty: 20,001 pieces of candy corn!!! As part of the deal, Leia instructs him to take out Zorba because she can't sleep at night knowing there's a Hutt out there who wants to eat her. Bossk agrees to her terms, because even bounty hunters know they have a responsibility to finish their jobs. Leia is happy, and celebrates by eating more cookies. Luke is upset because Leia did not pay for the cookies.
Bossk tricks Zorba into taking a private barge trip with him over the Dune Sea on Tatooine. Zorba thinks he was invited so they could party all night long in celebration of Leia's death, but the truth is Bossk only brought him here so he could push the fatty into the infamous Sarlaac Pit, where his Huttese flesh will be slowly digested for over a thousand years. Zorba is unhappy.
The heroes all cheer and slap hands because there is no more trouble on the horizon. Luke is happy because Leia promised to pay him back for all the candy corn. Chewy is happy because he loves playing with toy tanks. Leia is still happy from the cookies.
You needn't worry about Zorba, for he still has a thousand years left before he's finally dead and digested. What's more, there's many new friends to meet and greet down in the Sarlaac's impressive belly. Everyone is pleased and all live happily ever after. The End.
So, if you've ever heard a SW geek mention Zorba the Hutt, now you know the backstory. Glad I could be of service. I would've tried doing a comic adaptation of Shadows of the Empire, but I couldn't get Xizor's ponytail to come out correctly. Oh well, I'll practice it daily, so maybe someday they'll be a new comic. Cross your fingers. And eat some cookies, too.
- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com
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