1980s Car Toys
Remote-controlled cars and race track sets don't top the mountain as far as nostalgic feelings go, but if you really think back, a lot of our favorite childhood memories stem directly from four wheel fun. I doubt you can find a guy who hasn't owned at least a few dozen Hot Wheels in his time, and driving seemed like a magical thing when we were kids. For almost two decades, toys were as close as we'd get to that mythical steering wheel. Today, we pay tribute to a few of the car toys that made our playtime way back when a little less boring.
 
My first experience with radio control cars were pretty unpleasant. Seemingly out of nowhere, every kid in the neighborhood had to have one of these things, and it got to the point where it'd be more socially acceptable for a small boy to walk around wearing lipstick and bragging about having no penis than admitting they didn't own one of the cars. Recognizing this, I begged and pleaded with my parents until they agreed to buy me one. Thing was, I've always been far from an expert in the world of automobiles. And I don't mean just back then either - I've been known to go without an oil check for six months, and I've run out of gas in the middle of a drive no less than a dozen times in this past year alone. I'm not now nor was I ever in the position to make any decisions regarding a car, and this flaw transcended sadly into my radio-control toy choosing.
While all my friends had these great rough and tough trucks that could withstand pretty much any punishment, I chose my car based solely on looks. I ended up buying a cheap little radio-controlled red corvette that looked nice, but just got it's plastic ass kicked by all the other cars. I lasted about ten minutes in the fray with my friends' autobeasts before driving the thing into a puddle, causing it to blow out and die forever. I was heartbroken, and completely embarrassed. I loved my corvette, and while I mourned it for weeks, I couldn't help being mad at myself for picking it up in the first place. There, out on the streets that fateful afternoon, all my friends pointed and laughed at me for my shitty car choice, triggering a traumatic domino effect of psychosis deep within my scarred mind that'd stick with me until just a few weeks ago when I hunted them all down, one by one, and gouged out their eyes with a rusty fork.
This all could've been avoided if I had just chosen The Animal instead. Know why? Cuz NOTHING CAN STOP....THE ANIMAL!
 
I know some of you remember The Animal's big secret, but please, play dumb for a minute and afford me the opportunity to set it up for everyone else. The Animal wasn't your everyday, run of the mill radio-controlled car. IT WAS A MONSTER! They didn't just paint zebra stripes on the bumpers and claim the thing had jungle power. In a world of zillions of these toys, Galoob needed to find a gimmick - something to make their car stand out from the rest of the pack. But what would that gimmick be?
Would they add little flashing lights to it? Nah, that's been done. Would they pay off a popular celeb to serve as their spokesperson? Nope, the ad budget was low and Tim Curry wasn't interested anyway. So what was left? What could they add to the mix to insure success and mass profits? The answer is so simple and so genius that you'll be surprised nobody thought of it before 'em. It's such an obvious route to go, it's right under our nose, and still...it took this long to come up with it. What was The Animal's special feature? Brace yourselves. It had big claws that grabbed out of the tires.
 
Betcha weren't expecting that. Okay, so the claws didn't really work all that well. So what? It was still a good idea. Most toys broke within seven hours of their purchase anyway, it's no big deal if they don't work exactly as advertised. If you made the obstacle course carefully enough though, The Animal's claws would help it get over terrain the other cars couldn't. Well, sometimes it would. Other times, hitting a rock would make the thing flip on its hood just as fast. But consider this: a radio-controlled car upside down doesn't look half as cool as a radio-controlled car upside down with big orange paws flying around halfway outside the tires. Even if it couldn't right itself back up, the hope was always there that it could. Alright, I admit it. It's not even really a remote-controlled car. But you could just hold a broken walkie talkie and fool your friends.
 
Whether it worked or not, The Animal was a toy every kid wanted. It didn't come cheap, and as a result only a select number of lucky children got their hands on it. We didn't seek out The Animal so much because we couldn't live without a radio-controlled car with big giant hands, it was simply a case of knowing how much it'd impress our friends. Sort of like how everybody wanted a pair of Reebok Pumps despite the quite obvious facts that they were really, really ugly and did nothing to 'improve your game.'
While remote- and radio-controlled cars commonly have silly extra features like this today, The Animal was way ahead of its time.
To download The Animal television commercial, click here! (small .rm file)
Moving away from remote controls and streetside racing, let's talk a little bit about indoor race track sets. I've had a few of these in my day, but the most impressive entry by far was Daredevil Cliff Hangers, a racing track with a twist. A *figurative* twist, not a literal one like lemon, lime, or my personal favorite, limon.
 
The best part about these racing tracks wasn't making the cars run through 'em. Maybe that's what's supposed to entertain us, but really, the novelty wore off quick and kids everywhere sought out other methods of fun. Personally, I preferred to put my action figures and army men at some point midway through the track, and see how many of them I could kill with the car without dislodging the car. I considered it a great success if I was able to knock down five or more in one lap. Sure, sometimes activities like this broke my race track, but I wasn't too upset with that possibility since the things are such a bitch to set up anyway. If they break, so be it - there's no way I'm gonna spend an hour setting that shit up if I don't get to maim my Destro figure over and over.
But Daredevil Cliff Hangers was no normal set. While most of the competitors featured lame figure-eight-shaped flaccid runways, this one went all out to create the most gloriously impossible track possible, forgoing the simple loops and opting for a completely different type of race car set - one that defied logic and gravity:
 
Look at that track! The thing had the cars flying across it upside-down, up walls vertically, horizontally, and plooky plockily, and what's more - the cars ran twice as fast through this than they did on every other set remotely like it. Sure, your bedroom had to have approximately eighteen square miles of empty space to set it all up, but that's a small price to pay for playtime this enthralling. Cliff Hangers was fun enough on its own merits too - no need to murder all your action figures. Destro was pleased.
The only downside was that you had to maintain an intense upkeep to keep this thing working. If you were the type who just threw all the track pieces around with reckless abandon when you finished playing, they'd warp and it'd be impossible for the cars to perform the amazing stunts. Course, after your race set broke, you could always use the individual track pieces as makeshift boomerangs and/or personal fanning wands. The possibilities were endless, but I haven't even told you about the set's best feature yet. Longtime readers may have pieced together the puzzle and recall that Daredevil Cliff Hangers was referenced in our X-E Trivia article a long time back, but for those who are new to the site, or forgetful, check this out: the stupid thing glows!
 
As if this thing wasn't a kid's dream already, the set also glows in the dark. Well, okay, it glows for around 20 seconds. Then you have to recharge it. Then it'll glow for another 15 seconds. And then you'd have to recharge it again. But let's face it, kids need their exercise, so if they're gonna sit inside all day playing with a race car set, they might as well have to run back and forth to the nearest light switch. Plus, it was a great way to get kids past their fear of the dark. The various bogeymen that lurked in the shadows were always a frightful prospect, but most kids would take the chance if it meant their race cars would go all radioactive and start glowing. This toy had more learning positives than an abacus and a Speak N' Spell combined.
To download the Daredevil Cliff Hangers commercial, click here!
To finish up this Quickie, I'd like to remind everyone that if you rearrange the letters in the word 'cars', you can spell 'scar.' Why is this important? It's a secret.
- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com
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