Now on the cusp of October, we've all got approximately a month to choose our Halloween costume. Why not go with one of the classics? In the past few decades, 'the classics' have taken on an extended meaning. No longer just Dracula and Frankenstein costumes, now you've got Jason, Michael Myers, and yes, Freddy Krueger.
Freddy costumes range from very poor to very good, with a whole lot of gray area in between. Some of the masks and accessories look quite nice, really giving you that extra added Elmish umpfh. Others make you look really stupid. I guess it all depends on how much you're willing to spend. For 75-100 bucks, you could look a lot like Freddy. For 2.99, you could look a lot like crap. I guess I should've spent more than three bucks.
Technifaces' Nightmare on Elm Street Makeup Kit promises to transform you into Freddy for a low, low price. That's good, because I rarely get the inclination to buy kits that make me look like a burn victim at a high, high price. Unfortunately, three bucks just doesn't travel all that far.
Though the kit was created and originally distributed in 1995, you can still find them in pretty much every closeout store's Halloween aisle today. If you're lucky, the makeup won't be completely dried out. I wasn't so lucky.
My goal today is to demonstrate the effectiveness of this here kit; to give you a better idea as to whether or not it's worth the money. All right, I'm lying again. I just want to wear the damn makeup. I have this sick fetish, it's never quenched until I get to draw on my face with slimy crayons. I would've been a mime if they didn't scare me to death. In this pictorial essay, not only will you learn how to turn yourself into Freddy Krueger, but you'll also learn how to send mail for free. Let's get that part out of the way right now: just switch the 'recipient' with the 'sender' address. Easy as pie! Okay, time for Freddy:
A cavalcade of assorted fleshy-colored make-up tubes and vials, some sponges, face glue, half a mask, and some other stuff I still haven't identified. Possibly dead, dried earthworms - this thing came from a pretty rundown store. These are the tools of the trade, you'll need 'em all if you want to look anything reasonably like Freddy. Okay, that's a stretch. You'll also need to go out and buy a Freddy mask to cover up this one, which ended up looking more like a giant pigeon crapped on my face.
First, you need to apply the red/brown makeup around your eyes and chin. The colors are pretty vibrant, so don't be discouraged if you notice that you look more like a circus clown or prison bitch than a horror icon. It's all part of the process.
You've gotta love the instructions - after telling you to put the makeup around your eyes, it follows with a warning: "AVOID USE NEAR EYES." Hoookay. It's probably toxic but I'll risk going blind for my craft. They tell you to refer to the pictures on the back of the box for application directions, but all I see there are a few pictures of some guy pantomiming the 'hear no evil, see no evil' monkey thing. Maybe I have the wrong box? Maybe my box is haunted. Oh well, don't blame Technifaces for any of this. If I was mass marketing costumes that were only going for three bucks a pop, I wouldn't bother proofreading or editing the instructions, either. Besides, I kinda like the idea of an Open Interpretation Freddy Krueger Makeup Kit. Sounds artsy.
I feel like I should go audition for Cats.
I love it when the UPS man knocks on my door while I'm wearing lipstick. It happens more than you'd think.
Next up, you've got to apply 'Liquid Latex.' That's highbrow speak for 'GLUE YOUR FACE.' It's a rare treat, let me tell you. It's been hours now and I'm still trying to pull the glue off my head. I hope it's at least exfoliating my skin.
Basically, you just sit there with a little plastic wand that's too small even for a five-year-old, globbing this shit all over your skull in as many spots as you see fit. If you let it sit for too long (read: seven seconds) it totally dries up and won't adhere the mask to your face. On the plus side, when that happens, you look like someone sneezed all over you. This costume presents so many options, I'm surprised it wasn't at least thirty bucks.
And there's the mask. Or half a mask. Before gluing it to your face, you're supposed to fit it on and cut off any unnecessary pieces. I started with the piece that was jabbing into my right eye. Then I moved on to the piece jabbing into my left eye. After that, it was time to glue it on! Hooray!
After I do this part, I should technically start to really look like Freddy. I'm not sure if I did - I'll let you be the judge.
They claim it's a Freddy Krueger costume. I claim that it's more of an Al Molinaro costume. And you know what - I would've paid way more than three bucks had they just been truthful. Al Molinaro was a god. Here's your burger, Fonziebaby.
It's the most uncomfortable mask I've ever owned. I don't see how anyone could've gotten through an entire Halloween party without ripping this off their face. I guess that's why they use glue strong enough to hold it there for five or six years. You can't escape this Nightmare.
Since the latex is forged in an off-white hue, it's up to you to color in the mask with assorted Freddy colors. Maybe I'll look more like the real deal afterwards? It's worth a shot.
Nope, I still look retarded. Not scary, not nightmarish, not spooky. Retarded. You know, I own a t-shirt with a little rubber ducky iron-on in the center. If I'm saying it looks retarded, it must really look retarded. It looks more like I'm trying to be a pizza for Halloween than Freddy Krueger.
Anyway, maybe it's just missing something. After all, this is just the mask/face part. It's up to you to find all of the other Freddy accessories. What else does he wear again? Oh yeah, a fedora. I don't have any fedoras. Let's see if a regular hat works just as well...
Ah! No it doesn't. Glad that's cleared up. I finally see the family resemblance between myself and my late Uncle Lou. Unfortunately, the only time I saw Uncle Lou was at his funeral after one of my grieving cousins spilled orange juice all over his corpse. I miss you, Uncle Lou. And now we look the same.
Let's see, what else? Oh yeah, the blade-encrusted glove! Unfortunately, I don't have one of those either. Maybe I can improvise using things from around the house?
I thought taping a pair a scissors and a few screwdrivers to my hand would complete the ensemble, but it just made it terribly hard to piss.
All in all, Technifaces' Freddy Krueger Makeup Kit was a disaster. They didn't lie about it being easy to apply, but they certainly stretched the truth by insinuating that you'd look anything like Freddy. Now that I'm re-reviewing the directions - it seems like you're not supposed to put any of this crud near your eyes or mouth. That goes for the liquid latex, the makeup, everything. This explains why I'm suddenly floating around my bedroom in a sea of fluorescent pink bubbles that speak French.
Final Thoughts: Avoid. You'll probably want to go for it when you see the cheap price tag, but you're better off covering your head in tin foil and telling people you're Destro. For me, the search continues. Maybe I'll be Jason. At least I won't have to draw on my face for an hour to be him. Freddy, they're just not doing you justice anymore. I apologize on behalf of Technifaces and bad costume designers around the world. See you in Hell.
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