Dr. Zaius: We've gotta make a cake for the Rocketeer's Halloween party today.
Whiplash: Why us?! We don't know how to make cakes!
Dr. Zaius: He got me Paul Sorvino's autograph. I owed him a favor. Now we just need to find some cake mix.
Whiplash: Easy enough - the world's largest box of it is right behind you.
Dr. Zaius: Linus and the Pillsbury Doughboy, together at last.
Whiplash: I hope it's not really pumpkin-flavored. I hate the taste of pumpkins.
Dr. Zaius: No, it's just angel food. I would've got devil's food, but I'm a white supremacist. Are you?
Whiplash: Not especially. I hate apes, though.
Dr. Zaius: Very funny, let's read the ingredients.
Dr. Zaius: Let's see. We'll need water, margarine, and some oil. Oh yeah, eggs too. My legs hurt, will you go get that stuff for me?
Whiplash: Where am I supposed to find eggs?!
Dr. Zaius: I dunno, try the garage. Maybe there's a few leftover from last year's Easter egg hunt.
Dr. Zaius: You're not supposed to crush the eggs with your feet, Whiplash.
Whiplash: Really?
Dr. Zaius: Really.
Whiplash: Then I guess I've got egg on my face, huh? Hahahah! Get it? Eggs?
Dr. Zaius: You're a regular Sasha Mitchell. Okay, now we've gotta put all the stupid mix in a bowl. It's a good thing I have a really big bowl since the box appears to be holding four tons of cake mix.
Whiplash: Or maybe we're just smaller than normal people?
Dr. Zaius: No. Everyone else is just abnormally big. We're fine. We cool, braha.
Dr. Zaius: GET OUT OF THE DAMN MIX! THE MIX ISN'T A POOL!
Whiplash: Says you! Don't knock it till you've tried it.
Dr. Zaius: There's no way I'm soiling my vest with cake mix.
Whiplash: Come on, you know you want to.
Dr. Zaius: Yes. It's my lifelong dream. I wake up every morning and pray to that big monkey in the sky to let it be the day where I finally get to swim around in a giant bowl of cake mix.
Whiplash: Well, looks like he's answered your prayer!
Dr. Zaius: Okay, I'll admit it, it is sort of comfortable. I just wish you would've taken your shoes off before jumping in.
Whiplash: Hey, it's not like the people at the party need to know that we swam in it.
Dr. Zaius: What? You're nuts, that's the whole point. We'll be the life of the party with this story. I'm sure the ladies will eat it up.
Whiplash: Is that sarcasm?
Dr. Zaius: Nope.
Whiplash: Okay. Hey, was that sarcasm?
Dr. Zaius: Yes.
Whiplash: I hope your damn son falls out of a tree again.
Whiplash: "Every time you see an egg yolk, an angel gets his wings."
Dr. Zaius: Really? I just thought it meant a chicken had an abortion.
Whiplash: Well, that too. Hey, can you hold down the fort for a sec? I've gotta use the bathroom.
Dr. Zaius: I think I can handle it. It'll be tough to get this done without you standing at the edge of the bowl staring vapidly into space, but I'll try to manage as best I can.
Whiplash: I hope nobody's watching. I'm small. :(
Whiplash: AHHHHHH! THE TOILET IS A MONSTER AND IT WANTS TO BITE MY WEE-WEE!
Whiplash: Dr. Zaius! You won't believe what happened in the bathroom!
Dr. Zaius: How many times do I have to tell you? I don't care how long your shit is. It's not impressive, and I don't like hearing about it. It's disgusting.
Whiplash: But...but...
Dr. Zaius: I don't want to hear about that, either. Now shut up, we have work to do. I have to put sprinkles into the batter. Let me concentrate.
Dr. Zaius: I think 'sprinkles' might be an acronym.
Whiplash: For what?
Dr. Zaius: "Silly puny rats instantly negotiate killer llamas to enter Spain."
Whiplash: ......
Dr. Zaius: What's the matter?
Whiplash: There's no 'T' in Sprinkles.
Dr. Zaius: The world's a twisted place then.
Dr. Zaius: We're just about done. Almost time to put this bitch in the pan.
Whiplash: Hey, why'd the batter turn blue?
Dr. Zaius: I added a special ingredient. The recipe said you could add chopped up almonds, but we don't have any almonds. We didn't even have regular peanuts. We did have an elephant though, and elephants eat peanuts. It seemed natural at the time, but I overlooked the fact that the cake's gonna taste like an elephant now.
Elephant: I'll remember this, Zaius! ELEPHANTS NEVER FORGET!
Whiplash: So what do we do, sit here until it's done?
Dr. Zaius: Yes, Whiplash. We sit inside the oven with the cake until it's done.
Whiplash: More sarcasm?
Dr. Zaius: No, I'm totally serious. Start without me, I'll be right back. I swear.
Whiplash: You're lucky nobody else will hang out with me.
Dr. Zaius: We've got about a half an hour to kill. What should we do?
Whiplash: Scrabble!!!
Dr. Zaius: No, and you know why.
Whiplash: I promise not to argue about putting down proper nouns again. C'mon, let's play.
Dr. Zaius: Maybe later. I think we should gather up some other Halloween candy in case the cake doesn't come out as well as I'm hoping. We don't want to show up at the party empty-handed, right?
Whiplash: Marshmallow Ghosts & Pumpkins! Made with real marshmallows!
Dr. Zaius: I guess these things look sort of like pumpkins. If a fat guy sat on them.
Whiplash:I sat on them. And I'm not fat.
Dr. Zaius: Course not. Eat some more of those sugar ghosts, Whiplash.
Whiplash: YOU HAVE INSULTED ME, SPANIARD!
Dr. Zaius: Eh. I give it a '5.' Three of those points are sheerly out of pity. You really only earned a '2.'
Whiplash: SWASHBUCKLIN' SUCCOTASH!
Dr. Zaius: Okay, that ups it to a '6.' Nice job, slob.
Whiplash: What are those?
Dr. Zaius: Chocolate coins, only they're wrapped in spooky foil with monster pictures all over them. Helps mask the fact that the chocolate is from 1984.
Whiplash: Interesting.
Dr. Zaius: Yeah, and each of the wrappers has a Halloween-inspired "joke" written on it. Here, listen to this...
Dr. Zaius: "What's red and green with big fangs?"
Whiplash: I give up.
Dr. Zaius: "I don't know, but it's right behind you!!"
Whiplash: Holy crap, that's terrible.
Dr. Zaius: Tell me about it. And the chocolate tastes like cyanide.
Whiplash: What's the matter, Dr. Zaius?
Dr. Zaius: I smell something.
Whiplash: Sorry. I'll cut down on the fiber.
Dr. Zaius: No, no. It's the scent of finished cake! Our edible child is ready to be born!
Whiplash: Edible child? Christ it's just a cake, man.
Dr. Zaius: Maybe to you it is. But to me, it's pure love. Let's see how it came out.
Whiplash: Wow. This is the worst looking cake I've ever seen.
Dr. Zaius: I guess elephant meat doesn't bake as well as it broils. Oh well.
Dr. Zaius: Is it just me, or does this thing smell like cars?
Whiplash: It should, there's enough oil in there to kill a seal colony.
Dr. Zaius: Wait a second, where did you get the oil?
Whiplash: The gas station down the street, where else am I supposed to get oil?
Dr. Zaius: You put motor oil in this thing? You idiot! Make sure we only serve it to the ugly chicks at the party.
Dr. Zaius: This just isn't going to work. Our cake sucks. We need an alternative.
Whiplash: We could just skip the Rocketeer's party and go to one where bringing cake isn't a requirement.
Dr. Zaius: No way, I heard we're gonna bob for apples at this shindig. I'm not missing that. Just give me a second, I'll think of something.
LATER...
Rocketeer: So, you guys excited about the party? It's tonight!
Dr. Zaius: We're real excited. Do we need to wear costumes, though? I totally forgot to buy one.
Rocketeer: Well...nah. You guys don't need costumes. You're fucking freaky enough on your own.
Whiplash: Kickass.
Rocketeer: Now where's that cake?! I'm itchin' for a taste!
Rocketeer: A Tastycake Kreepy Cake? What the Hell? I thought you were going to make a real cake!
Dr. Zaius: What can I say? Halloween's full of surprises.
Rocketeer: I can't serve this at the party! Look at it, it's all melted!
Dr. Zaius: Look, we made a cake. But it's got car oil and elephant meat inside it. And we swam in the batter before baking it. If you'd rather have that cake, by all means, take it.
Rocketeer: Well, I guess if we cut the Tastycakes precisely enough, we could nail ten servings or so out of it.
Whiplash: As a show of good faith, I won't go for seconds.
Rocketeer: By the way, this is the last party I'll host that you two are invited to.
Dr. Zaius: Ooooh. I'm crushed. Guess we'll have to find another party with "Monster Mash" playing on repeat as the background dance music. This'll be tough.
Rocketeer: Just show up at 8 sharp, and don't forget the stupid crappy cupcakes.
