hullo. again. i am forever madd matt. i enjoy things like headbands and the slaughter of the innocents. i prefer the slaughter of the innocents to the slaughter of the guilty because i do not want anyone believing i am some sort of rogue fighter for justice. no no no no no no madd matt is pure evil. and do you know what pure evil people do? they kill nuns and skullfuck their heads. do you think that is wrong? good. it is wrong. and so am i. i am madd matt...champion of halloween, and skullfucker of dead nuns.
halloween is drawing close. very close. so close i can smell it. so close i can almost take it and drain it of bodily fluids, so i may drink them and sustain life just long enough to kill more nuns and figure out other evil things to do with their heads. my point is this: you need halloween movies for your halloween parties. you cannot 'bob for apples' or 'skullfuck the nuns' for twelve hours straight. you need movies. lots of movies. evil movies. my suggestion for you? stop renting all these modern day pieces of worm intestines. go with the classics. go with god. so you can kill him too.
today i will review one of my favorites. it is a story of horror and intrigue. a gory tale that'll leave you thirsting for lamb hearts and the eyeballs of albino goats. come, join me as we watch and talk and kill and murder about a true legend in the horror section. you will not be sorry. you will not retain the rights to your soul when i am finished with you. cackle. snap cackle pop. rice krispies.
they call it 'creature from the black lagoon'. i call it 'fishman without color or shoes.' you may call it something entirely different, but it is still the same stupid movie about a guy dressed like squid hanging out in a lake waiting for idiots to come along so he can eat them. filmed sometime in the late 1700s, the story takes place on the amazon river. the amazon river is famous because it is where amazon.com houses all the books and tape recorders they sell. personally, i have not ever ordered from amazon.com, and am not planning to until they begin selling pickled monkey arms. ANYWAY here is my review.
it is the classic story. boy meets fossilized reptile hand. boy falls in love with fossilized reptile hand. boy eats fossilized reptile hand after finding out that his love was not requited. i empathize i also murder bugs constantly. the stupid doctor enlists the help of other stupid doctors and they all stupidly get into a stupid boat, to travel down to the stupid amazon river without a single stupid gun. if these people were alive i'd rip out their spines. since they are not, i'll just eat whatever my faithful maggots have left behind.
ooooh look. look. it's a hand. fishman lives! fishman is alive and well. and green and angry. like me. he kills off the unimportant foreign characters out of necessity because they speak broken english and it was becoming really annoying to the audience. then he tries to kill the primary characters, but it is much too early in the movie for them to die. so instead he just swims around, and he does not appear all that menacing. i think fishman has a heart of gold beneath it all. that's too bad since i must eat his heart. what a waste. DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME I DRANK A CAN OF COKE AND THEN POURED SULFURIC ACID BACK INTO THE CONTAINER AND FED THE BEAST TO MY SISTER?
she's dead now.
hahaha.
i think the point of creature from the black lagoon was to scare people. at first i thought it was a love story but everyone is too damn ugly for that to be true. then i started to think it was a social commentary on mankind's prejudice against sea creatures. but people love shamu so there goes my argument. no, this indeed is a scary story. we are meant to be in terror and fear. that's fear as in the emotion, not fear as in the marky mark movie where he finger fucks the girl on the roller coaster. i ate both of their stomachs. scary story huh? i'm not scared. madd matt fears nothing. here i'll prove it:
see this? it's an umbrella...
AND I OPENED IT IN THE HOUSE. I do not fear superstitions. superstitions fear me. and so should you because i will chop your legs off with a saw at the first chance i get. then i'll have a giant gorilla shit on your face, not because i'm sick and twisted, but because it will give me a much more entertaining story to tell. either way, i'm gonna chop off your feet and will probably end up eating your ears at some point too.
oh well. here is more of the movie. you know, sometimes 'classic films' are pretty boring. if this wasn't a rental, i would have eaten the tape hours ago. but since it is a rental and i do not want to mess up my video store account, i'll eat somebody's grandmother instead.
wait, before i continue. do you think i am a good writer? i hope so because i dream of journalism. i dream of it almost as often as i dream about satan returning to our planet to tie all the newborns together with barbed wire. if you think i am a super writer you should let me know. please include a 8x10 glossy of your left shoulder. even zombies are allowed to have fetishes. okay here, more movie junk fishman stuff...
the only woman in the film goes swimming alone because she is a fool. fishman swims around her but does not try to eat her. what does this mean? fishman is in love. i would be too. i like the cut of this woman's jib. i also like to tie cats to railroad tracks.
everyone else knows there's a murderous fish guy lurking around, but they still decide to stay there to collect fossils and leaves. i do not comprehend this course of action. but then again, half of my brain rotted out years ago. i think the only reason this film got it's classic status is because the people in the great nation of amazon paid off the guys who add taglines to video cassette boxes. if you disagree i will behead you thoroughly.
my favorite part of the movie is when everyone on the boat flashes a big spotlight on the evil fishman. how do you think he will react? the answer will surprise you. the creature just tries to swat the lightbeams away in the same way you would a mosquito. i say 'you' and not 'me,' because if a mosquito came anywhere near my head i'd just try to swallow it.
i'd try swallowing the creature too, but my mercury levels would fly through the roof and i am trying to cut down. mmmm. cut. i like cuts.
the movie used to be watched with 3-d glasses. now it's watched all normal like. i don't know why i suggested this movie for your halloween parties. you have to be a real fan of the fish to make it through without falling asleep. and you don't want to fall asleep if i'm around. i'll do terrible things to your face.
the creature gets set on fire, but jumps in the water to avoid any serious burns. smart fish. lots of brains. lots of sweet, tasty brains. he keeps trying to come on the boat to snatch the woman, so i guess the whole plot of this movie centers around the creature's desire to get laid. even i think that is sick. that's coming from a nunhead skullfucker. this movie should be outlawed. or at least turned into a cute little bunny so i could devour it like the mosquitos and your ears.
hey i have a joke for you.
what do you call the creature from the black lagoon's car?
a honda seavic.
come on it is funny.
after more bullshit, fishman succeeds in kidnapping helpless mary and takes her down to his lair. his lair could use chairs. send him an ikea catalog. and send me your fingers. he tries to do terrible things involving her crotch area but everyone shoots him and he dies. the end. a classic!
all in all it was a decent movie but nothing to burn your home over. i think the sequels are better because i'm pretty sure they put fishman in a trenchcoat at some point in them. however, i should mention that fishman is my favorite movie monster. more fun than dracula or frankenstein. and he swims a lot better too. i only wish i could meet him in real life. maybe i can?
HEY FISH MAN - IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE E-MAIL ME, MADD MATT, SO WE CAN MEET UP AND GRAB LUNCH AND - HOLY FUCK - KILL THE NUNS!
while i'm sending out personalized messages, i might as well get these out of the way.
JOANIE - I AM SORRY I ATE YOUR FATHER. I SWEAR I THOUGHT HE WAS CHOCOLATE.
MARK - JAMES STILL PETRIFIED, SEND MORE FUNDS.
DR. SARNAMIN - SAPPORO IS A JAPANESE BEER, NOT A POKEMON.
