X-Entertainment.Com - Next Article --- By Matt - 10/26/'02
And now, McDonald's scares the pants off little kids by throwing Ronald McDonald into a haunted house where he makes a play to eat some of his friends.

It's called 'Scared Silly.' The stupid clown waltzes into camera view and makes that little smirk to let kids know that what they're about to see won't be really scary. It's important, since the last thing the corporate bigwigs want is for children to associate their cheeseburgers with a dark, tormenting Hell. Course, when they're fifteen and five-hundred pounds, the connotations will become way more clear than any haunted commercial could convey.

Apparently, this particular haunted house is home to the McNuggets. They're pretty gracious little creatures, building their ceilings high enough to accommodate those roughly 50x taller than themselves. But these aren't your typical McNuggets. These are scary McNuggets. Dressed like all the classic Universal monsters, our only way to avoid intense fright is to constantly remind ourselves that, no matter how spooky they may look, we can still eat 'em in two bites flat.

There's been oodles of McDonald's characters over the years, each representing a different food item. It's a little different with the McNuggets though, because they aren't supposed to represent a food item: they are the food item. Hamburglar is easily associated with hamburgers, but nobody ever thinks to eat the guy. This is where the McNuggets get into hot water. It's not like they're hanging out with normal, morally just people. They're friends with a big purple monster and a freaky bird wearing flight goggles. They might talk nice, but c'mon, you know they've got some serious emotional baggage. They're wild. They're wooly. They're unpredictable. And if you're edible, they aren't necessarily the best group of people to hang out with.

Ooooh - see? Ronald McDonald has a fun game for his McNugget friends! "Jump into these miniature pools!", he says, suspiciously licking his chops in between the convincing smiles. "The water's heated!" Those poor McNuggets. Since they're cut from chicken thighs and asses, they don't have brains. If they did, they might be able to put two and two together here and figure out Ronald's dastardly plot.

Friends, this wasn't a social call. Ronald's here because McD's turns off their ovens at 8 sharp. It's 10 o'clock now. And he's hungry.

Nooooo, McNugget, no! Don't do it. Oh if only you could hear me. You're being tricked! Ronald doesn't love you, he just loves they way you taste. Don't follow his lead, it'll only take you to his large intestines. God, someone, please help them! These poor McNuggets! A fate worse than death awaits! Ronald always swallows whole! They'll still be alive by the time his gastric juices start breaking them down! I can't watch this, but I can't seem to pull my eyes away. It's like a car wreck - you know you shouldn't look, but you can't help yourself. My mind tells me that this isn't something I want to see, but my heart? Oh my heart, my poor clogged heart. It won't let me look away. I must continue. I must endear myself to this unparalleled bastion of villainy. Ronald, you sadistic little clown...look what you've done! You're blackening my soul, like Applebees' blackens the chicken on their salads.

Fortunately, the commercial fades before we can see Ronald realize his evil dreams. The Nuggets are about to hop into the vats of barbecue sauce, unwittingly garnishing themselves for the clown's dinner. Ronald's such a pussy, going after the little guys like this. I bet he wouldn't be so brave with some of the other guys in McDonaldland. I'd like to see him try to eat Mayor McCheese's head sometime. Yeah, let's see that, Ronald. Let's see you turn Mayor McCheese into a happy meal. I don't think you've got what it takes. I hope a truck runs you over. Twice.

- Matt
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