Scorponok was the second-largest toy to ever hit American shelves in the Transformers line, but despite his great size and the fact that he looked like a really mean scorpion, few kids ever got to experience his wonder. Coming out during the very end of the series' run on top, Scorponok was a victim of poor marketing and waning public interest. Had he come out just a year or two earlier, there wouldn't be a guy from here to Greg's Raw Clam Bar in Fresco that didn't own and love the toy. Especially for its size, Scorponok was one of the most well-crafted plastic beasts I've ever encountered, and that's saying something since my specialty is well-crafted plastic beasts.
You've probably never seen him on any of the cartoons, but Scorponok did indeed appear during the mini-series entitled 'Headmasters', which introduced a new golden age era to Cybertron, and provided plenty of excuses for the Autobots to rip off their heads and pass them around the room like a conversational moon rock. I'm not going to review the entire mini-series here, because it'd take 25,000 words to do so. I don't think I could even write my life's history in 25,000 words, so I refuse to give such respect to Scorponok. Sorry you beast. I'll give you the gist, though: Scorponok isn't really a Decepticon, but rather the product of a mad alien conqueror named 'Lord Zarak.' I think Zarak had green skin, but if I'm wrong, rest assured that it's a color that will make you crave Skittles.
After a group of Autobots and Decepticons gained the 'Headmaster' technology, Zarak decided that he needed to git himself summa dat. Headmaster technology, by the way, refers to a robot's ability to take off it's head and turn it into another transforming robot. Simple enough. Zarak himself went under the knife and turned himself into Scorponok's robot head, effectively creating the largest Transformer to date. The good guys would later top that by creating FortressMaximus, but while taller, Fort Max could never say he was the universe's most impressive robot shaped like a scorpion. Deceps: 1, Autos: 0.
But I'm not here on this pre-Thanksgiving afternoon to tell you what Scorponok did on the cartoon. I'm here to talk about his toy, since talking toys is phonetically closer to talking turkey and at least I'd be somewhere near festive.
I sold my Scorponok off for beer money a few years back after some sucker traded him to me for a bunch of X-Men figures, which for some reason, I had thousands of sitting in my closet. I'd previously seen Scorponok, but only in pictures. I was not prepared for the royal mechanical monster that'd soon be arriving at my doorstep. Scorponok was the type of toy kids would've murdered their family for a chance to play with - huge, full of little weapons and contraptions, several different modes, and huge grasping claws so you could pretend he drank from oversized coffee cups. This was a plastic heaven; it's a shame more kids didn't have the chance to make Scorponok their fake best friend.
Scorponok had three transformations, the first being a standard Decepticon battle base. The base seems to have been fashioned after the popular Metroplex's toy model, with numerous ramps and parts that could be flipped to resemble buildings. This mode looked interesting, but wasn't very effective in use with your other TF figures. Scorponok was big, but not that big. If you put one of your other bad guys figures atop his base mode, all the Autobots would think their enemies lived in really small houses, and thus, were poverty-stricken. I guess this could've been good if Megatron wanted to trick Optimus into thinking he was a poor robot, when in truth, he was secretly spending billions of Earth bucks on a super-laser that could blow up Arkansas with one shot. I honestly haven't the slightest idea what I'm talking about right now, and I can only hope that it doesn't transcribe too noticeably. I swear, this is all very important.
The second mode was vehicular, turning Scorponok into a huge rolling scorpion with cute green leggies that moved up and down as he strolled along. The toy was incredibly heavy, being made primarily of solid plastic. Though much smaller than Fortress Maximus, Scorpy towered over everyone else. He must've handed out Napoleon complexes left and right. I envision Decepticons forging themselves 30' metal stilts to keep up with him. I doubt they actually did that, but it's fun to imagine Shockwave tripping over after one of his stilts gets tangled in a phone cord down below. No really, it is! Picture it! So laughable! I say 'ha' to it all the time!
In Super Mega Beast Vehicle mode, Scorponok had a pretty cool feature. He could hold Autobot figures in his giant paws and use them in entertaining puppet shows for his other giant villain friends...
To give you an idea on the size of this thing, I want you to picture the tallest building you've seen. Even if it's a hundred thousand stories tall. Now picture Scorponok. Okay, it's not that similar, but if you laid Scorponok outside the building, you could probably still see it way up from the top floor. Wow, that's easily the worst analogy ever. No wonder so many professors advise against them.
You could only use the claws to grab the smaller Autobot figures - larger ones were just too fat. Still, even in city mode, you could use toys from other lines to live on and battle with Scorponok, making him seem even bigger by comparison. Remember, big toys were something to brag about. Getting Scorponok as a kid was like buying a hot new mini-van. What's the first thing you do when you buy a hot new mini-van? Visit all of your friends who have smaller cars to make subversive superior comments about it. "Oh, I can fit at least four inflatable pools in this thing - and I mean post-inflation, my friend!" Along the same lines, when you got Scorponok, it was reason enough to pay all your less-fortunate friends a visit. "So, my aunt brought me this new Transformer. It's almost as tall as you. And it has a nicer jawbone."
Of course, Scorponok's pure robot mode was the most impressive of all. His gun was bigger than many of the other figures. Unfortunately, writing about the Scorponok toy comes with a price, as the man himself would only agree to let me do it if I let him talk about his favorite holiday appetizers. I'm not sure why. StilI, I have to honor our arrangement, so I'll be back in just a minute. Here's Scorponok's stupid appetizer section.
Up above is a picture of Scorponok's removable head, which also transformed into a robot. I've always felt bad for the Autobots and Decepticons who were forced to adapt themselves to this new technology. Would you want to let someone else commandeer your head? Would Optimus Prime have fared so well in the Great War of '85 if, midway through his death battle with Megatron, his head decided that it really needed to go to the bathroom? What if one of their sentient heads wouldn't stop humming the Benson theme song? I'm not sure how all these nuances were worked out, but then again, the Transformers were a far superior and futuristic race. I'm sure they managed.
The only problem with Scorponok was the immense amount of parts he came with. You know what happens when you give a kid a toy with lots of removable parts, right? They're either lost within twenty minutes or chewed and devoured by those who haven't quite got past their adolescent oral fixations. For this reason, finding a complete Scorponok figure is no easy task nowadays - you're lucky if you locate one with the head still attached. Furthermore, the scarcity of many of these parts makes a complete figure cost much more than other like-sized collectible crap toys would, and you won't find a loose Scorponok for anything less than 70-80 bucks in respectable shape. A boxed figure, obviously, fetches a lot higher.
Still, since Scorponok wasn't exactly a popular character and was introduced so late in the line, his value didn't skyrocket like some of the others. In actuality, you could buy this huge toy for around the same price as the much smaller and far less interesting Autobot cars. Sure, those guys are way more recognizable to most from the cartoons, but it's not like people who buy old toys showcase them for all to see like it's something to be proud of. The hobby is a private and very self-effacing one - you might as well grab the cooler, larger old toys if you're gonna spend hundreds of bucks on stuff you're too embarrassed to keep out when there's a woman within a five-mile radius.
Collectible value aside, it's the kids who would've enjoyed Scorponok the most. I didn't attain one until I was much too old to play with it without feeling guilty, but I'm sure he would've been one of my favorite toys as a child. Mostly because he was large enough to play fake games of checkers with, which I'd always win except for that one game where I'd allow Scorponok a victory so he wouldn't become bored. He's a more obscured bit of the Transformers phenomenon, but he's still worth paying tribute to. Why? None of the other Autobots or Decepticons even know what rumaki is.
Have a good Thanksgiving! Make sure you check the Updates section for more X-E junk.
