X-Entertainment: Santa Claus Makes Jiffy Pop

Metroplex: Jiffy Pop? Why couldn't you just get the normal, microwavable bags? Neither of us knows how to make this stuff. You know we're gonna screw it up somehow.

Santa: Nonsense! Don't you know who I am? I'm Santa Claus! I've taught deer to fly! Taught elves how to make novelty-sized Mancala games! I'm a friggin' world treasure, Metroplex. I think I can handle making Jiffy Pop.

Metroplex: Santa, not to take away from your accomplishments, but you'll have to understand if I have my doubts. When I was six, all I wanted for Christmas was a Realarium Chemistry Set. What did you bring me? PAPER PLATES.

Santa: Please. You're lucky you got anything at all that year. I know all about that spelling test you took in school. Remember 'lieutenant'? You spelled it just perfectly. Mostly because you wrote the word on your desk before taking the exam. Good boys aren't cheaters, and cheaters don't deserve presents. Now let's go to the oven and wash your sins away with a popcorn feast.

Santa: Well, why isn't this shit popping?

Metroplex: I think you have to take the cardboard cover off of it first.

Santa: Oh.

Metroplex: Turning on the oven might help, too.

Santa: Hmm. You might be on to something there. Let me turn on the oven...

Metroplex: After you take the cardboard cover off.

Santa: Yes yes, I was just getting to that.

Article continued below advertisement:
Visit our sponsors to support the site!

Santa: "Place pan on burner. When sizzling sound is heard, continuously shake pan in very fast circular and back and forth motions until foil is fully expanded." What is this, Pig Latin?

Metroplex: I think they left out the redundant words for brevity's sake.

Santa: Yeah? Well I think they're assholes. I should've brought you that chemistry set. Only a scientist could figure out these directions.

Metroplex: Look, it's not that hard to follow. You just shake the pan around when you hear the popcorn start popping.

Santa: Well if that's true, why aren't we hearing any popcorn popping sounds?

Metroplex: YOU HAVE TO TURN THE DAMN OVEN ON FIRST. FOR THE LAST TIME, SANTA.

Santa: We should've just ordered Chinese.

Santa: You know, they say time is the fire in which we burn, Metroplex.

Metroplex: Stop quoting Star Trek movies and keep your ears ready.

Metroplex: Well, the foil is starting to expand. That's a good sign.

Santa: It's a miracle!

Metroplex: No it's not. It's just popcorn popping. Anyone could make it happen. It's not an act of God.

Santa: Yes it is!

Metroplex: Fine. Do you want to sprinkle cheese dust or pepper on it when we're finished? I've heard good things.

Santa: No. I like eating my popcorn alfresco.

Metroplex: That's not how you use the word 'alfresco.' Are you sure you're the real Santa Claus?

Santa: Of course I'm the real Santa. To prove it, I'll tell you the tale of me and Mrs. Claus' honeymoon vacation.

Santa: We went to Hawaii, and this was back in a time where most people didn't realize how beautiful the place was, so hotel rates were still pretty cheap. I think we stayed in the Lei Express Inn, but that might've been the place across the street. It was a long time ago, and my memory ain't what it used to be. Anyway, the misses was waaaay more svelte back then - I don't doubt that two-piece bikinis were invented by some pervert who wanted to see more of her. So, we went to the beach. We were going to go in the ocean, but --

Metroplex: Santa?

Santa: -- there were a lot of dead jellyfish on the sand. Usually, if there's a lot of dead jellyfish on the sand, there's plenty of live ones in the water. The last thing either of us wanted on our honeymoon was to get bit by a Portuguese Man-of-War. Would've put a major damper on things, ya know? So we just sunbathed. I got the worst sunburn. You think my cheeks are red now? You should've seen 'em then! It was just awful. I had all these heat blisters on my face, and it didn't do much for Mrs. Claus' libido. By the time we got back to our hotel room --

Metroplex: SANTA. I HAVE TO ASK YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW.

Santa: -- we were both dead tired. Actually, I wanted some lovin'. She was tired. So I grabbed her giant jar of vaseline, hid in the closet, and --

Metroplex: SANTA IS THE POPCORN SUPPOSED TO BE ON FIRE?!!!

Santa: What?

Santa: OH FUCK.

Metroplex: What do we do?!

Santa: I guess we blow on it until it goes out?

Metroplex: That won't work!

Santa: Well I'm not gonna douse it with water - it'll ruin the popcorn!

Legless Maul: I smell smoke. Do you smell smoke?

Venom: Escargot.

Legless Maul: You smell escargot?!

Venom: No. To prove that I'm totally out-of-my-mind nuts, I only reply to questions with completely irrelevant one-word answers that make no sense. Doesn't it make me look crazy?

Legless Maul: I guess it does. But telling me your motives makes you look a little less crazy and a little more...I don't know, fake? Don't you think?

Venom: Toothpaste.

Santa: Well, there's two bucks I'll never see again. I told you we should've got the regular microwave bags.

Metroplex: What?! I told you that, Santa Claus.

Santa: Whatever. Look at this mess! Who knew popcorn could bring so much trouble?

Metroplex: I don't know - some of it still looks remotely edible, no?

Santa: All we have to do is separate the clean white ones from the bad black ones. We'll pretend we're in the 1950s school system. Let me take a closer look...

Santa: Ouch.

Metroplex: What's wrong?

Santa: You know those warning labels they put on popcorn bags, about keeping your face away from the hot steam?

Metroplex: Yeah.

Santa: I think those warnings are there for a reason. My face is bleeding.

Santa: Still, there's a lot of popcorn in there that hasn't been burned to death. I say we gather the good batch up, put it in a big bowl, sprinkle some salt on, and -- wait a second, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!!!

Santa: You're pouring Coffee Mate on the popcorn?!!

Metroplex: What, you're not supposed to do that?

Santa: ....

Metroplex: What?

Santa: YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT! YOU RUINED MAH CORN!

Metroplex: Sorry, Santa. Guess I won't be getting a pony this year.

Santa: Well, looks like we won't be having any popcorn tonight, thanks to a certain giant robot who shall remain nameless.

Metroplex: Mechagodzilla?

Santa: NO, YOU. You're terrible...you suck! All we had to do was take the good popcorn out and eat it. That's it! We would've had such a nice snack! But you had to go and ruin it by pouring coffee additives all over it. Who does that? Who in the right mind thinks that COFFEE MATE mixes with popcorn?

Metroplex: What can I say, I've got exotic tastes. I ate gator meat once.

Santa: Ugh, I am SO SICK of being your friend. I'm so much smarter than you...so much more impressive than you.

Metroplex: What are you talking about? You're not more impressive than me.

Santa: Yes I am. I fly around the entire world in one night, managing to make stops at three billion households, fit myself into 15" chimneys, and I'm STILL back home before dawn. What are you good at? Being tall and messing up my snacks? Big whoop.

Metroplex: Fair enough. Tell me Santa...does your shoulderblade flip over to reveal a double-barrel cannon capable of shooting pure antimatter plasma beams?

Santa: Well, no. Neither of my shoulderblades do that, but --

Metroplex: I wasn't finished...

Metroplex: Do you have a hollow chest cavity where former Mortal Kombat champions live inside?

Santa: No. My chest cavity doesn't have any Mortal Kombat champions in it, but --

Sub-Zero: SHANTA! SHUB-ZERO BEEN GOOD ALL YEAR! BRING HIM NEW BIKE!

Metroplex: Shut up, both of you! I'm still not finished.

Metroplex: Santa, by any chance...can you transform into a fully functional city? Oh wait...you can't! Silly me. Guess I'm 'more impressive' after all. Sucks to be you.

Santa: I'm really not a fan of yours.

Metroplex: I'm crushed.

Santa: Jeez. As if this night couldn't get any worse, I lost my boot!

Metroplex: So? What's the big deal? I don't even have hands.

Santa: Metroplex, it's a little different. Look at my feet...

Metroplex: Santa, you don't have feet. Just little crumpled bunches of cardboard where feet would normally be.

Santa: Exactly! How am I supposed to get around on those? I need my boot!

Metroplex: Well, I didn't take it.

Santa: You did so! Who else could've taken it? We're the only ones here!

Sub-Zero: WARMTH FOR THE LOWER BODY!

Sub-Zero: IT HAS SHNOWED! MEWWY CHRISSMAS TO ME!

--Finite--