No Problem!
A review of the very first episode of ALF. Plus some other crap about Alf dolls. You'll love it.
Silverhawks
My tribute to the villainous action figures in the Silverhawks line. They're funky.
There's few mysteries left on this planet, so it's no surprise that we've taken our curiosity to the stars above for centuries upon centuries. What's up there? More important - who's up there? The thought of, the theories about, the arguments for, and the evidence suggesting life on other planets had piqued our interest seemingly forever, but we still don't have many solid answers. Personally, I think you'd have to be insane to believe that the only living creatures in the universe exist on this one tiny planet run mostly by soda companies and McDonald's. It'd take a real cynic and possibly a real devout Catholic to believe that. Still, it's harder to accept claims that little green men occasionally kidnap bored farmer's wives to stick metal corkscrews up their ass and smear jelly all over their bodies. I'm not saying it's impossible - it's just the tougher part of the story to understand. How much can an anal probe really tell an alien, anyway? Wouldn't the aliens be more interested in making us run through intricate mazes and those sorts of things?
See, I'm kinda biased because I like the idea of a possible alien encounter. It's much easier for me to keep an open mind about this stuff, because I wish aliens would make a pit stop during an international summit to announce that 'they're here' with big smiles and huge lasers. If I didn't dream about it, I might be a little less of a believer. Hey, it's the media's fault. If they didn't make all the aliens full-fledged charmers like Alf or E.T., maybe I'd be a little less interested in their reality. But that's neither here or there. In the mid-80s, proof of extraterrestrial existence came and went without a peep, and today I'm here to bring it back to the spotlight.
The rare footage was found in an old commercial for 'Pamela, The Living Doll,' by Worlds of Wonder. As you'll soon see, aliens are interested in more than global conquest and kidnapping. Sometimes they just want to sample new toys.
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Things kick off with a shot of Pamela, the living, breathing, talking doll, outside all alone, assumedly in a forest-type of area. I don't know much about the Pamela doll - it came out during the Teddy Ruxpin craze, where all the toy companies were competing with Worlds of Wonder to make the best talking toy. In the midst of this great war, Worlds of Wonder figured that the best way to stay on top was by competing with itself. Pamela did all sorts of lifelike crap, but truth be told, the doll wasn't very pretty and no little girl wanted to trot around town arm-in-arm with an ugly baby. It made use of 'voice cards' - I don't remember quite what they did, but I certainly hope that the cardbacks featured various puzzle pieces that ultimately formed a giant caricature of Pamela's torso when you completed the set. Alongside the alien invasion, this is another of my private dreams.
Notice the lights beaming from the background - possibly a group of local cops trying to locate a poor little girl's lost doll? Oh yes, that must be it. I mean, it's not like that's an alien spacecraft landing in the background, right? Of course not! It cannot be! What a silly thing to say! You fucking moron.
Ah, here the cops come now. They look oddly trim. Must be a poor community. Or, as people in poor communities call it, a po'h communiddy. Either way, it's a god damned slum and I feel bad for those skinny cops. Here they're just doing a nice deed, searching for a little girl's lost doll - one call from the dispatch later, and they're in the middle of a fatal shootout with three crack lords and some shady guy wearing a 'White Men CAN Jump' t-shirt. Nobody appreciates their commitment. Maybe the little girl will?
They seem to be getting close now; I hope they find Pamela soon. It's cold out there. I don't want the good-natured local cops to catch pneumonia. Especially because, if they do, you just know the little girl who previously owned the doll is gonna shout out "go nos! you gots ammonia?" all cutesy-like until the director calls for a starwipe segue into the 'To Be Continued' teaser ad. Holy crap, what am I talking about? I've gone batty! BATTY! Look, bats! (<=(- -)=>) Yeah it's a bat!
Wait a - wait a second. That doesn't look like a cop up there. Cops usually aren't bald and green. Oh shit, I know what's going on. They did catch pneumonia! They're rifled with sick sick sick! These poor guys! Even nigh-death, and they're still trying to rescue Pamela for that lonely wittle woozy girl. I hope they feel better soon; pneumonia is one nasty sickness. When I had it, the doctors made me go on this machine called a 'nebulizer' three times daily. It essentially does the same job as an inhaler, but this time the tube is thirty times larger and attached to this howling, shaking machine that looks a lot like the glass cutters people use when they're forging pieces for barroom chandeliers. And they're damn expensive to use, too! So not only do these cops catch pneumonia, but they can't even afford proper treatment. This is the kind of thing that makes me stand up, look in the general direction of where Heaven should be, and cry out to God: "God - what's up your ass?" It's also the kind of thing that makes -- hey, hey hold on a minute. That's not a cop. That's not even a person! Holy Christmas, do you know what that is? It's...it's...
AN ALIEN!
Time to break out the 'Vote Alf in 1988' buttons and my Star Wars cantina diorama. Brownie points never hurt no one.
Good Christ, there's more of them. There's aliens everywhere. What do they want on our planet? What do they want with us? It's times like these when I regret not building that fallout shelter in fear of the neighbors thinking that I'm pessimistic. Oddly, the aliens don't seem all that interested in us. They seem to be infatuated with Pamela, the Living Doll! Man, if real people had the same taste as space aliens, Worlds of Wonder might still be in business.
The aliens appear pretty much how you'd expect them to look. They're rather short, hairless, thin, and completely green. They've got these giant, curious black eyes that make them look either like a cute puppy dog or a man-eating shark, depending on how you want to associate them. Their skin seems to be made from some kind of pliable material, possibly latex or army surplus tire rubber. Some seem to have zippers running down the length of their spines, leaving me no choice but to assume the rumors about aliens occassionally trading in their skins for upgraded, more resistant skins are true.
I guess they saw E.T.; it's nice to see that they learned a bit about our culture before landing here.
It's actually pretty creepy to watch - the lead alien keeps fondling the doll's face with such a slow and steady pace that it almost looks sensual. They don't appear to have testicles so it's entirely possible that their fingers have to double as dicks. If that's the case, I don't see how they aired this commercial during noontime children's programming. Is 'censorship' such a taboo word these days that we'll forgo it even at the risk of letting our kids watch UFO porn? Where do you draw the line?
See, now that's plain sick right there. There's a child alien with the group of adults, and he's allowed to peer over and watch the leader get it on with the Pamela doll. Forget a bio-nuclear holocaust - the real danger of intermeshing an alien culture with our own is that this sort of wrongful encouraging behavior right rub off on some human parents. Pretty soon every mother in town's gonna be locking their sons in a room with a Hyapatia Lee video and some vaseline. I can't blame this kid alien if he grows up to be some sort of sexual deviant - it's clearly his upbringing that's to blame. Just remember, kid alien - human girls might smell nice, but if you get one of them pregnant, the thing that'll pop out of her in nine months will look like that mutant Jeff Goldblum turned into right before Geena Davis blew his insect head off. Don't forget that.
More chicanery: the lead alien starts fumbling through his purse, and eventually turns around to reveal his hands clamped in a sideways-prayer position. For a second, I thought he was about to pull a quarter out of Alien #3's ear. Then I noticed that Alien #3 doesn't have ears, and felt mighty embarrassed. Actually, he opens his hands and shows off a mystical, glowing orb. The orb has no understandable meaning to us, but since he just got finished finger fucking poor Pamela, I can only surmise that unleashing the glowing orb is their way of having a sexual climax. I know, it's pretty sick. But these aliens - they come from a different place than us, with a different set of values. And they don't really have dicks so you can't fault them for being a little creative like this. I just hope Pamela's ready for the outerspace love seed. I sure ain't.
"AFTERGLOW"
After the terrible deed is done, the lead alien backs away with what's left of his juice, seemingly paving the way for that confused kid alien to 'go next.' Okay, this is just wrong. They're gangbanging some little girl's doll! No wonder the government goes through so much trouble to keep these incidents quiet. Do you really think the world is ready for the truth? I can see the headlines now... "ALIENS FOUND BOINKING BARBIE, PRESIDENT CALLS FOR NATIONAL WARNING, LEVEL MAGENTA-ISH BLUE"
Kid Alien stalks his prey with some obvious hesitation - I think it's his first time. He's not quite sure how to go about this. Pfft, he's got it easy. Here on Earth, teenage boys have to navigate the Lincoln Tunnel before getting anywhere near a pipe-cleaning. All Kid Alien has to do is rub a doll's nose a few times and throw a lightbulb at it. Whoopee, there's something to be proud of. The frats up on Saturn's fifth moon live for stories like that.
Ugh, now the kid's mother is hovering above the action. She looks pretty damn overjoyed by what's going on. That poor alien! Would you want to lose your virginity with your mother watching? How's he gonna get his finger up with this kind of pressure? I began this article stating my adoring love of aliens. I think I'll have to reconsider that love. I don't want any of them to read this article and take it as an open invitation to stick their fingers up my nostrils while asking me if I've been a 'good boy.' Compared to that, I'd take the jelly and the anal probe. In that order.
Foreplay! Kid Alien picks up Pamela, and starts caressing her flexy body before making the ooze moves. He tries to pass it off as sportsmanship, but I think he's just a little nervous. What if he misses the nose and sticks it in her mouth instead? He'll be cut off for weeks! Fortunately, Worlds of Wonder had the good taste to end the commercial here, before we could watch a ten-year-old space creature lose its virginity to a toy. I'm really not sure what I can add to what we've seen, but I'll say this: remember how I talked about all the 'true' reports about aliens kidnapping people and performing terrible experiments on them? I still don't think it's true. But if this commercial is any indication, the truth is actually worse.
