Written/Created by:
Matt Originally posted on 12/18/02.
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Teaching kids about safety is certainly important, and who better for the job than Gary Coleman? 'For Safety's Sake,' a 1986 instructional video telling kids all about just that, felt that Gary could get across these lessons like no one else. This is true to some extent, because regardless of what you think of him - when Gary talks, people listen. I think it's because we're always expecting him to ask Willis what he's talking about. Sadly, he doesn't hit that line here, but he does wear a hideously oversized lab coat while randomly pushing buttons on the world's largest fake computer.
Have you ever gone out for a sushi dinner with your friends, and been on the receiving end of a dare to eat that pile of green wasabi in one shot? Well, watching For Safety's Sake is kind of like eating that pile of wasabi. You don't regret that you did it, but you'll never ever do it again. It's torture for sure, but it's the kind of torture you can tell your grandkids about. The video runs 40 minutes, and covers all the basics - how to handle strangers, what do to in case of a fire, safety measures in the kitchen, and so on. Gary, who was 19 at the time this came out, looks mighty pissed that he still had to play a kid. Well, SORRY Gary. If you don't want to get typecast, grow a few feet.
More inoffensively stupid than actively bad, For Safety's Sake is probably the funniest video I've watched in the past five years. They weren't trying to be funny, but when you film Gary Coleman visibly reading cue cards about the proper way to cut salami, it's pretty tough not to laugh. Or cry. The video is incredibly tough to find, presumably because anyone who had a copy burned it to avoid further pollution of the human race. I paid more than I care to admit for it, but at least I have a good excuse - I have no idea what to do if a stranger comes to the door with a 'package' and my mother isn't home. Gary, will you help me?
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Gary plays himself, but with a slight twist. He's some kind of mad scientist god who controls a supercomputer with ten thousand buttons. Using the buttons, he can force situations of peril on hapless children to see if they handle themselves correctly. No, I'm not kidding. Gary pushes a button, and next thing you know, one of the kid actors is either on fire or choking to death. It's pretty sick, actually. If there's a word to describe Coleman's demeanor throughout this tape, 'happy' sure isn't it. He looks so miserable doing this that you'll swear it was some kind of court arrangement for community service on a stolen toy train charge. Gary looked more pleased in the Diff'rent Strokes episode where that old man kept trying to grab his nuts while showing him cartoon mouse porn.
See, in the end, there's just a few things you need to remember in the case of an emergency. 'Stay Calm, Keep Cool, and THINK!' Now between you and me, I think 'keep cool' is a tad redundant. Doesn't 'staying calm' cover that? I think Gary just wanted an excuse to break out the icy blue text font. If you're worried that you'll forget these important rules, then I highly suggest tracking down the For Safety's Sake video. Gary will reiterate this point a hundred thousand times for you. I can't do jack shit anymore without staying calm and keeping cool. Last night I was covered in tarantulas, and the scene would've been so much more frightening if not for Gary's tips. The staying calm and keeping cool helped me THINK. I outwitted those spiders without breaking a sweat.
Gary's not going about this grand mission alone, no sir. He's flanked by two kids to help him demonstrate the proper ways to avoid danger. Their names? Jack Example, and Jill Example. Or, if you prefer, Jack and Jill Example. I think they were supposed to be playing siblings, but Jack kept looking at Jill's ass so I'm not really sure. Anyway, let's meet the sprites...
Jack Example is played by Bobby Jacoby, whom everyone will of course remember as the realtor from Tremors and Tremors III. A true luminary, this is where the quintessential actor's actor got his start -- pretending to get head injuries for the sake of a Gary Coleman life lesson. Jill is played by Ami Foster, formerly a part of the Punky Brewster show. Obviously, they spared no expense in putting together this cast.
Here's how it works: Gary will start talking about a potential danger kids might face, and after he's done, he'll push several buttons on that giant unholy machine. When he does that, the kids are forced to act out whatever dangers Gary was referring to. I'm amazed that a programmer could create a machine to do something like this, but it's somewhat disappointing since they forgot one minor detail - the kids certainly act out the dangers, but they don't exactly act them out well. Unless you consider spinning in circles while shouting 'YIPES!' a proper reaction to accidentally slicing your thumb open with a knife. Let's see it in action - here's Jack Example handling a stranger..
You know the stranger's a bad guy because he's FAT. They have a mock conversation, with the stranger continually trying to get Jack to open the door. It went something like this...
Stranger: Hey kid, is your mother home? Jack: Ummm. Ummm. She can't come to the door right now. Stranger: Well I have a package for her. Open the door and take it. Jack: Ummm. Ummm. Just leave it outside. Stranger: I can't, someone has to sign for it. Open the door right away. Jack: Ummmm. Ummm. Sorry, I'm not supposed to open the door for strangers. Stranger: But I have candy! Jack: Candy?!?
At this point, Gary pauses the action and insists that candy, or other like-minded promises, aren't a good reason to open a door for a stranger. Jack nods in agreement, and the action continues...
Jack: I'm sorry sir, you'll just have to come back later. Stranger: I can't come back later. I need to use your bathroom. Jack: Ummm. Ummm. Stranger: Quit singing Enya and open the damn door.
After that, Jack locks the door and calls a neighbor. Gary says that you should do the same thing if ever in a similar situation. Personally, I would've thought that locking the door would come before having a ten minute conversation with the stranger, but I'm not the expert. Oh well. Let's meet Gary's fireman friend...
No, really, it's supposed to be a fireman. I can't explain the police uniform. I think Gary was testing us. They start talking about what to do in the case of a fire, prompting the fireman to ask Gary how he's prepared for such a plight. Coleman goes on and on about how many fire extinguishers he owns, and how he always makes sure the smoke detector batteries are in working order. He suggests checking the batteries 'every few days', altogether forgetting that most people refuse to check them annually, much less on a weekly basis. That's not important, but it leads to something very important - alternate escape routes. Say your house is on fire. Say the front door is blocked off. What do you do? Don't worry, Gary's got ya covered. In the Great Book of Coleman, a family should draw a map of the house with all the available alternate exists clearly marked. Here's his example:
42! You cover the rear! 57! Go for the long bomb! 86! Block the defense!
HUT. HUT. HIKE!
Following this, Jack has the pleasure of acting out a housefire scene, thanks to Gary's insidious button-pushing miracle-maker. The fireman yells at Jack whenever he does something incorrectly, which is pretty often. Jack tries to avoid the impending flames by doing all sorts of stupid things, namely running towards the smoke. He also tries to hide in the closet, but the fireman debunks a popular myth: flames can get you if you're in a closet. Whoa, thanks fireman! Next time my house is on fire, I'll remember to avoid hiding in a closet. Jack also gets yelled at for trying to salvage his material possessions. Apparently, when your house is on fire, you should forgo the salvage of grade school hockey trophies and audiotape collections. Another hot tip!
Gary and the fireman exchange goodbyes, and in comes a nurse to teach kids about the dangers of...the kitchen? That's right. From Gary's own mouth, and I swear I'm not making this up: "The kitchen is a place we all spend a lot of time. It's also the most dangerous place in the house. The room is full of booby traps, and if you're not careful, making a sandwich might get you a trip to the hospital." Wow. What can I say to that?
To illustrate their points, they have Jack attempt to cook himself dinner, leaving a trail of sin behind that will almost always lead to someone's death. Check this out, it's unbelievable...
In a rapid sequence, Jack does four things incredibly wrong, which ultimately leads to the second picture above of him dead on the floor. Let's run down his various mistakes:
1) Jack uses a knife to slice up some salami, but he does it with the blade facing upward towards his fingers. Obviously, this leads to Jack cutting himself open - a perfect segue into #2...
2) Jack goes to wash the cut at his sink, altogether overlooking the live wire hanging loose right by the bar of soap. Why there's a live wire in the kitchen is open for debate, but regardless, Jack goes for the soap, shocks himself silly, and slips into our third mistake...
3) Water on the floor! Dangerous! Jack unknowingly steps into a puddle, causing him to slip all over the kitchen. The puddle, by the way, is roughly the size of Lake Champlain. What the fuck did he spill, a pool? As he tumbles, he lands perfectly into our fourth and final mistake...
4) Precariously placed pots on the oven! As Jack falls, so does the pot, which lands directly on his head. The end results render him unconscious.
This video is pretty sadistic. Gary presses a few buttons to revive Jack, but he's not done torturing him yet. Jack's beginning to get a little pissed about all this - who wants to be a guinea pig for these kinds of experiments? Sensing hesitation from his little helper, Gary lures Jack back into the action with promises of a sandwich...
Jack is suspicious - he's been tricked before by Gary, why should now be any different? Coleman assures him that everything's kosher, and that the nicely garnished sub on the table is indeed for him. Jack gets that youthful glow in his eyes, and prepares to chow down like he's never chowed down before. He's still a little concerned that Gary's up to something, but good god, that sandwich has PICKLES! Resistance is futile. He takes the first bite, and everything seems fine. There weren't any bolts or sandworms hiding beneath the layers of bread and swiss. Jack continues eating, happy as a pig in shit, until Gary reveals his true colors. A few button-pushes on his sonic transducer, and next thing you know, poor Jack is having a bit of trouble breathing...
Yes, Gary is making the kid choke. It's for a good purpose, though. Jill returns to show everyone the proper way to do the Heimlich Maneuver. She succeeds in dislodging a chunk of turkey from Jack's throat, but even though he's safe, the kid's had it up to here with Gary's crap. He shoots everyone's favorite chocolate oompaloompa the nastiest look I've ever seen, and walks off camera, never to be seen or heard from again. Or at least until Tremors. It works out though, since Gary was just about finished with all the lessons he needed to teach. So not only did he help kids learn about what to do in fires and how to cut pepperoni, but he also got to play God and make some boy nearly choke to death. Coleman's definitely got a bit of a Napoleon Complex going on, but we'll forgive him since he's such a cute little elf.
Gary thanks the audience for tuning in, and insists that we watch and rewatch the tape until all the lessons are perfectly ingrained into our brains. Then he says we should make our parents sit down and watch it, too. I dunno, I probably wouldn't do that unless my mother really pissed me off first. And my father's got a weak heart, so I'd never let him see it. Sorry Gary.
