X-Entertainment: Creature Movie Review

I bought Creature pretty much for the same reason I bought the fodder for our last movie review, The Star Crystal. I figured it'd be a terrible flick and easy to make fun of. Still, I have to grudgingly admit that Creature wasn't all that bad. A 1985 Alien rip-off, the film surprised me by supplying some genuinely suspenseful moments. I've seen so many of these films that I've become jaded to a degree, but Creature had me on the edge of my seat quite a few times. I wasn't pissing myself in terror, but at least I remained awake for once.

Don't get me wrong, it's far from a classic. The plot revolves around a group of astronauts from the future who become stranded on one of Saturn's moons with a fiendish alien who eats humans. I find it a bit disturbing that 90% of the movies I've reviewed share this plot. I mean, is the story really all that timeless? There's oversights all over the place in Creature, ranging from people being able to survive breathing Saturn's gaseous air to aliens being able to survive getting electrocuted for a full minute. But because of the sheer energy and determination the cast had to get their stupid story across, I'd recommend this movie as a perfectly acceptable way to waste two hours.

Hardcore sci-fi fans might actually think this is a good movie, but while I won't say that, it certainly has a memorable cast. Klaus Kinski, something of an icon of shitty-but-fun flicks, guest stars as a German astronaut who befriends our American heroes. Rounding out the squad: Diane Salinger, whom you'll remember as Simone from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, and Lyman Ward - better known as Ferris Bueller's dancing father. Having some actors we recognize as not sucking 100% of the time helps Creature immensely. My biggest complaint is that they filmed this on such dimly lit sets that it's impossible to tell what's going on at times, but truly, this was a much more entertaining movie than I was expecting. Here's the review...

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The movie opens with a flashback scene showing some astronauts on one of Saturn's moons. They come across some kind of electronic capsule with a (presumably) dead creature inside. After taking some pictures and doing everything you shouldn't do while on a distant moon with a 'dead' demon, the creature, of course, comes alive and murders them. We don't get a good look, or any look for that matter, at the monster in question. In fact, we don't see the creature until the movie's finale, but even then it's just a vague glance of a rubber lizard suit. Oh well. They're dead.

Months later, another crew of spacemen (and spacewomen) are put together to find and investigate the shuttle lost on Saturn's moon. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what's going on. Movies of this ilk typically spend the first fifteen minutes spewing a lot of nonsensical made-up technojargon to trick the audience into thinking a story is actually being laid out. To Creature's credit, they showed one of the lost ships crashing into one of the futuristic NASA's space stations, so at least we're given some kind of real reason for them to want to travel all that way into the unknown.

You know what I love about these outerspace expeditions in sci-fi films? They always, absolutely always assemble a team of astronauts who totally hate each other. These guys are backstabbing one another before the trip even starts. You'd think there'd be someone of a higher authority around to notice that it may not be the best idea to send a group of enemies on a multimillion dollar journey to Saturn's moon, but this wouldn't be such a fun movie if everyone got along, right? All that aside, it's tough to complain with antagonists like this...

First, Ferris Bueller's dad. He plays Commander David Perkins, who constantly asserts his authority over the ship's usual crew by making them do incredibly stupid, life-threatening things. I've liked this guy in other movies, but he takes on Creature with about as much energy as the dead Christmas tree I just left at the curb. Perkins is seconded by Bryce, the big silent bitch with a gun. (that's Simone from Pee-Wee)

The rest of the crew are virtuous and especially friendly. The stars of our tale are Mike Davidson and Beth Sladen, the only two on the ship that we can't immediately single out as future alien food. There's a few other goofs here and there, but none better than the ship's other romantic couple, Jon and Susan...

Susan is played by Marie Laurin, a former Playboy model who's been in her fair share of crappy horror flicks. If you're curious as to why this beauty only starred in crappy horror flicks, rent Creature for a firsthand look at her acting ability. Jon, her love interest, isn't exactly charming the academy with his performance, either. Then again, the script doesn't give them much to work with. Here's the exact conversation that introduces us to these two jokers:

Susan: I have a bad feeling about this trip. I don't think I'm coming back.
Jon: What? What? What? Don't say things like that!
Susan: MAKE LOVE TO ME.

No, seriously, that's how it goes. And yes, we get the sex scene to boot. Don't get excited though - National Geographic footage of praying mantises mating proves eight times more erotic. Unless you're into watching a girl suck a guy's thumb for two minutes. Then this is your bag, baby. To close out the hot action, Jon fondles Susan's breasts using the same hand-motions you would if you had to open the front door really fast. Christ. If you're gonna blow ticket sales and rentals with some younger viewers by throwing in a sex scene, you may as well make it good. Since Susan is young and horny, she's obviously our prediction for the first to go. The team makes the long, thirty-second journey across the stars to Saturn's moon, and they're ready to begin their assignment.

Okay, the spacesuits are relatively inoffensive. In these types of movies, I've grown accustomed to seeing 'spacesuits' made out of tin foil and goldfish bowls. At least the effects team in Creature had the good sense to cover all of the actors' body parts while they're walking around on another planet. As for their interpretation of what life on Saturn's moon would be like, well, who am I to argue? Actually, they're on the moon called Titan, famous for the lore surrounding ancient civilizations once believed to live there. I'm not sure if the lore was all that famous, but I'm pretty sure I read about it in Silver Surfer once. Is that good enough?

The team makes the end-all, be-all cardinal mistake: they split up. Splitting up in a horror movie is essentially signing a contract allowing a giant ox to trample you. Sure enough, bad things start to happen...

Susan happens across a pile of dead bodies. Well, they're more than just plain dead - they're dead and mutilated and rather blue. Not something I'd wanna find on my first trip to outerspace. After telling the rest of the crew about her discovery, Susan herself is taken by the ALIEN SUPERPOWER. We still don't see it, but some little green creature is attached to Susan's head, and as the rest of the heroes look on helplessly, she seems to explode into a giant puddle of blood. AND SHE CAN'T EVEN DO THAT CONVINCINGLY. Her look of 'terror' before being brutalized by the alien is laughably offbeat, appearing more like she's trying to hail a cab. I know it doesn't make sense, but that's what it looks like.

Still, the ambiance is dreary enough and the music is appropriate, so the scene does instill a sense of dread in the audience. I have no idea if Creature was a theatrical release or not, but I'm betting that it could've had a couple of weeks at the box office. By today's standards, this would've been a strictly-for-video release. Back in 1985, there was a little more leniency in what could make it to the theaters. How else do you explain my personal experience seeing The Garbage Pail Kids flick on the big screen?

I read that Creature had a four million dollar budget, which honestly amazes me. I know four million is tiny by comparison to most movies, but I can't for the life of me figure out how they could've possibly spent that much putting this together. The cast couldn't have cost more than 1.5 million, and that's a very overstated estimate. The 'effects' - mainly lots of blood and a rubber alien suit, how much money could that take? Well, I suppose I can tally up enough odds and ends to get close enough to justifying a four million dollar price tag, but it still begs the question: what investor, what movie studio would be willing to pay that much for sure an assured bomb? Movies like Creature were a dime a dozen back then. The market was saturated. Unless you were gonna go all out and spend enough dough to try and outdo Alien, there wasn't much point. Especially for a flick that almost certainly had little-to-no time in theaters.

Hey, it's Klaus Kinski! Enthusiasts who searched for this film likely held Klaus as their primary reason. Really, really good actor who can go five miles overboard with his performance and still not seem campy. Indeed, the screen seems to light up whenever he's on it. Sorry folks, that's not a euphemism - they actually shine flashlights on the guy whenever he's on camera. I can't explain it either. Klaus plays Hans Rudy Hofner, a German who became the only survivor of a ship that crashed nearby. His old Nazi space friends were all eaten by the alien, who Hans claims to know how to defeat. Our heroes are hesitant to believe a word he says, but they have no choice but to take him on as a surrogate mentor. Their air supply is running low and there's monsters doing terrible things in the shadows. Plus, their shuttle stopped working because there hasn't been a sci-fi flick in history where the getaway shuttle worked when desperately needed.

Okay, remember Susan - the stupid chick who died earlier? Well, Jon was obviously mighty distraught over the loss of his girlfriend. So distraught, in fact, that he couldn't smell an obvious alien trick coming from ten thousand miles away. Check this out...

Jon's pouting by one of the ship's windows, when all of the sudden, there's Susan outside! All bloody! With no safety helmet on! She implores Jon to come outside, and why wouldn't he? Everything seems kosher, right? It's possible that whatever attacked her wasn't really attacking her, but rather fitting her with internalized equipment that lets Susan breathe Saturn's air. And the blood? Simple, it's not really blood. Susan's messy when she eats maraschino cherries.

So Jon goes outside, and Susan begins undressing. We get titshots and everything, it's a cinematic masterpiece. Something is obviously very wrong, but Jon doesn't notice because he's heartbroken and horny. Susan starts getting funky with him, ultimately convincing Jon to take off his helmet and die a slow death at the hands of Saturn's atmospheric pressure. Wait! We ain't finished...

Even after Jon's dead, and even though Susan is just a body being commandeered by an alien power, she still fucks him. Was Creature so desperate for sex scenes that they'd throw away any chance of making sense to accomplish it? Make no mistake about it, the alien has little interest in boinking the crew's dead bodies. So why is Susan tonguing Jon's body? I dunno, I guess it would've piqued interest during the movie trailer.

Oh well, at least we now understand the alien's plan. By attaching squirming little monsters to his victims, the alien is able to control the dead humans like puppets, confusing the remaining crew members into walking right into his trap. Now the rest of the team already saw Susan die, so they're not gonna believe her if she wanders up to them stark naked and tells them to 'come closer.' But! They didn't see Jon make his stupid trip towards death, so he's a perfect fit. With that, the action heats up...

Jon, now being controlled by the alien, sends a message to our heroes from the other ship that crashed some time ago. While the crew previously thought that ship to be unsafe, 'Jon' assures them that the creature took a hike and there's plenty of fresh air for them to breathe. After mentioning that he got the shuttle working, the rest of the crew is sold on the idea of making the trek over there. Dummies. From this point on, Creature basically morphs into a space-version of Night of the Living Dead, with the survivors trying to avoid being taken down by their dead and zombified former pals.

Since Beth is the only woman left, (Bryce disappeared about a half an hour ago) she's the primary target of all the zombies. See, even in death, a guy is still a guy. This leads to some interesting scenes with the zombies getting their skin clawed off, plus some scenes with the rest of the crew being sacrificed to the alien. Creature can get pretty gory at times, which should satisfy fans who enjoy good amounts of fake blood and plastic guts.

The gore here actually works, too. The film isn't built around the notion that the audience is going to see lots of blood - it's more like a bonus. There's plenty of movies that show blood so fast and so often that you become desensitized to it real quick. In Creature, it usually comes out of nowhere and succeeds in throwing you for a loop. Notwithstanding that, it's tough to screw up when you're displaying a guy having his jaw ripped off.

See? Kinda creepy. Kinski gets the zombie treatment too, morphing into a disfigured monster bent on terror. Oddly, when the alien takes control of one of the humans, the human loses it's ability to walk normal, instead relying on the tired ol' Walk of the Dead stagger. It's so true to the cliche here that they actually walk around with their arms extended while yelling 'UNGHHNGH.' If one of them would've made mention of wanting to 'eat brains', I would've had to turn off the tape in protest. The zombies are eventually destroyed by way of the survivors using big guns to blow their heads up. That's five points right there. Now we've just got three of the crew members left, plus a really gross alien who wants to kill them.

Beth has a great idea! Electrocute the alien! Yeah! After setting things up, they do just that. We still haven't gotten a clear look at the thing, but it's shaped roughly like Godzilla so we know he's the bad guy. The electrocution scene lasts forever, obviously trying to persuade the audience into believing that the alien is dead. Of course, anyone who's seen these types of movies knows full well that it's NOT dead. Just to make the round of Stupid Horror Tricks complete, the two guys leave Beth alone in the room with the presumably dead alien. What does she do? Poke at it. Again and again. And again. Now let me tell you - if you poke at a corpse - any corpse - for this long, it's gonna wake up. Even dead people can't stand that shit. Sure enough, the alien rises and kidnaps Beth. He doesn't eat her, but instead hangs her upside down from the ceiling to try to bait the rest of the survivors out from hiding. Davidson (Ferris' dad) sacrifices himself by affixing a bomb to his chest and letting the alien gnaw on him. Now all our heroes have to do is figure out a way to trigger the bomb. But first, we get an actual look at the creature...

Wow, they didn't just rip-off Alien, they went out and rented out the whole freakin' costume. I kept waiting for a bald Sigourney Weaver to walk onto the screen and tell the thing that it was his turn to change the baby's damn diapers. In Creature's defense, the production team must've realized how obvious the connection was, because they kept the alien immersed in dark shots. Only after getting some very specific stillframes and lightening the pictures could I tell just how much of a direct rip we had on our hands. Though at this point, it doesn't really matter. Time for the alien to DIE.

Bryce returns from Parts Unknown and shoots the bomb attached to the creature, blowing it to, you guessed it, smithereens! The model they set up for the explosion looks very little like the alien we saw in the previous scene, but I didn't care much since this was a long way to spend 97 minutes. Hey, I just said that the movie succeeded in its goals. I didn't say I was in love with it or anything.

All in all, I'm quite thankful for two things the world wouldn't have received without Creature:

1) We get to see an alien eating Ferris Bueller's father neck-first.
2) We get to see Simone skip France to don a Buck Rogers suit and blow things up.

I think I paid three bucks for this video. Those two things are worth five bucks, easy.

The three surviving astronauts manage to get one of the ships working and escape Saturn's moon. Bryce apologizes for disappearing earlier, citing that she 'got lost.' It's supposed to be comedic, but it seems a little out of place considering that we just watched all of their friends get eaten or turned into the walking dead. Bryce is one cold little harpy. The End.

Overall: There's really only two fundamental problems with Creature - it's not stupid enough to watch if you're into watching bad movies, and it's certainly nowhere near as good as the sci-fi flicks it constantly steals ideas from. Its come to my attention that a good number of you out there sometimes rent or buy the films I review based on how interesting they appear - in this case, I'm gonna have to suggest skipping Creature unless you're a real devout horror/sci-fi completist. Don't get me wrong, this flick is infinitely better than a lot of the low budget crap I watch. Sometimes, that ends up being a disadvantage. What are ya gonna do? Life goes on.