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Jack-O
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Creature Feature
I watched 'Creature From The Black Lagoon,' and it inspired me to do something really idiotic.
Every generation of films have their own style, and horror movies in the 70s were certainly a lot different than they've been for the past two decades. In fact, they're even much different than the usual older 80s slasher flicks we review. 70s horror films are marked by an almost universal sense of dread - the heroes go up against impossible odds in a story that just gets more and more depressing as it goes on. Oftentimes, the films will end with a suggestion that evil has indeed triumphed over good, robbing the audience of the chance to go home with smiles on their faces. These flicks were dark and gritty by nature, not design. And despite their rather obvious flaws, horror movies from this period can spook you out a lot more than most of the stuff you're paying to see today.
The Devil's Rain, from 1975, certainly fits that description. Still, calling this film 'unique' would be a gross understatement, and it's hard to place it in any real genre. Promotions for the movie promised a 'real and true look into the world of Satanism.' I'm not sure if that's the case. If we're to believe that, then we're also to believe that most Satanic cults can conjure up a goat-mask wearing devil in silk robes at will. We also must believe that Satanists have pure black eyes and melt into puddles of fleshy goo when wet. So no, this is far from a forged documentary. But it's still Holy Shit weird.
Consider the cast: William Shatner as the hero, Ernest Borgnine as the devil-worshipping villain. Tom Skerrit as the secondary hero, with John Travolta making his film debut as the secondary villain with no eyes or lines. Eddie Albert as the third hero, and SATAN HIMSELF as the third villain. With a cast like that, the last thing you'd expect to watch is a shitty horror movie about soul-stealing desert demons. Even if The Devil's Rain was boring, it still would've garnered some cult notoriety for itself based on the cast and all the devilish stuff that goes on. But trust me, this thing ain't boring.
Though this flick really has to be seen to be believed, I doubt more than a handful of you are willing to locate the rare video and pay whatever some screwball wants to charge you. Because of that, I've taken extra time with this review to make sure I hit all the necessary plot points - most of which involve a shirtless Shatner being burned to death or a shirtless Shatner smashing the devil's demonic egg-shaped television set. No, really. Read on...
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The movie starts right in the midst of the story - an aspect any horror fan should appreciate. These kinds of films usually spend half their running time setting up plots and plot devices that were obvious to the audience long before they ever make it onscreen. Course, you might be a little confused with The Devil's Rain, since you're thrust directly into the action. Will Shatner plays Mark Preston, who's mother has been experiencing a recurring nightmare about her family dying. Since Dad hasn't come home yet, she's sure that her dreams are coming true. We get the feeling that someone is after the Preston family, but we shouldn't be too proud of our sleuth skills since they flat out tell us that five hundred times in the opening minute.
I'm serious, it's phenomenal. You can't believe how many words they manage to cram into the first minute. It's even more of an achievement when you consider Shatner's penchant for separating each word by a dramatic five-second pause.
Anyway, they all run outside and find Daddy wandering about. Only Daddy doesn't look quite right - his skin seems to be melting, he's lost the usual swagger in his step, and oh yeah - he's got compound insect eyes now. Melting Pop drones on and on about 'giving the book to it's rightful owner,' and before he dies, Shatner drags the name of his assailant out: Jonathan Corbis. Oh boy, wait till you see Jonathan Corbis. By the way, when Dad dies, he evaporates into a small puddle of slimy wax. The Prestons handle this with about as much remorse as I would if my father told me that he ruined a new pair of pants by spilling a small puddle of slimy wax on them. They're all heartless, and 50% of them tongued Uhura.
See, Jonathan Corbis is a devil-worshipping demon man who's kept coming back to life for hundreds of years to haunt the Prestons and their ancestors. Why? They're the keepers of a book containing signatures. Signatures from those who've pledged their soul to Satan. After Corbis' goons kidnap Mark's mother, he agrees to meet Jonathan in some far corner of the desert. Yes, that's Ernest Borgnine up above as the cult leader. Why he is dressed like a cowboy? I simply cannot answer that. The Lord works in mysterious ways, but Satan makes his followers dress like cowboys. Both sides piss you off in their own way.
Corbis demands the book. Preston demands his mother and father. Evidently, your father can come back from death assuming he was only killed by melting. They decide to have a little competition - if Shatner can survive the torments of Borgnine's Horror House, he gets to go free with his family and the book. If Corbis wins out, he gets the book, Mark's soul, and the recipe for Mama Preston's locally famous apple pie.
Just to make sure we're clear on The Devil's Rain being dumb, Mark is protected by an amulet his mother left him - an alarm clock on a chain, painted gold, not unlike the one which typically graced the torso of well known Star Trek alien Flava Flav. The duo enters Corbis' church, and Mark certainly wasn't prepared for the evils that waited behind closed doors...
Ernest Borgnine, starring in Little Red Riding Hood. You know Corbis is the cult's leader because he gets to wear the super-sized pentagram pendant. Everyone knows that the true key to summoning Hell's imps and trolls is by donning jewelry from Spencer Gifts. I must admit, the movie is much easier to watch if you're a Borgnine fan. The Poseidon Adventure is one of my favorite flicks, so I'm all about seeing once of its stars act out voodoo spells in a polyester cloak big enough to house a gorilla.
Corbis begins his standard ceremony, but Mark blocks the evil by repeating the Our Father prayer. It doesn't work, so he just shoots a few of his minions instead. All of them have the black bug eyes, and when shot, they spill out multicolored blood. Now annoyed, Corbis unveils a special surprise for Mark...
His mother! His mother is one of them! A devil-worshipping, black-eyed bitch troll! Mrs. Preston, possessed, begs Mark to join them and to give Corbis the book. Even though he's been defeated, Mark still won't reveal the book's ultra-secret location. (under a goddamned brick that's two inches above floor level in the middle of their living room, wake up Corbis) Jonathan knows just what to do. If he turns Mark into one of his scary-faced followers, he'll give up the book's hiding spot.
At this point, the storyline switches up a bit. Shatner's captured. He's worthless, he won't be saving the day. But somebody's gotta save the day, right? I mean, we're only a half hour in, and seemingly, the Devil has won. This ain't no dang feelgood experience, that's for sure. So let's meet our new hero - Tom Skerrit!
Okay, I know Tom's a pretty big star, but I still remember him best as one of Rebecca's bosses from Cheers. You know, the one Norm begs to carry across the front lawn? Oddly, he seems a tad taller here than I remember him. I'd say they were employing neat camera tricks to make him appear taller, but who am I kidding? Nobody on The Devil's Rain crew could've possibly known a trick like that. Not with this many instances of a boom mic on-camera. I guess he just shrunk as he got older, like an old lady or one of those slime globs you get out of grocery store vending machines.
Skerrit plays Tom Preston, Mark's brother who just found out his family was missing. Though common sense dictates that they were flooded out by a massive storm, he knows the family history and realizes that something far more evil is working its magic. Tom is seconded by his girlfriend, a lovely lady with ESP who keeps having terrible visions about everyone she loves writhing in agony. This movie really puts me in the mood for teddy bears and pink hearts.
After a few moments with these two fighting off some of Corbis' zombie army, we're treated to an extended flashback scene which explains how everyone's in this little predicament...
Centuries ago, Corbis led an underground troop of devil-worshippers. A Preston ancestor sold him out to the proper authorities in exchange for immunity, but the locals burned them anyway. At the stake, Corbis swore revenge on the Preston family for all of time. So yes, he's been after them for the past three-hundred years. He must've been really, really, really mad!
While I appreciate the background info, I must take issue with their decision to put thick translucent red paper over the lens to illustrate the scene as being a 'flashback.' You'd think the witch burnings and pilgrim clothes would've tipped us off just fine, but The Devil's Rain is nothing if not thorough. I reserve further complaints because I myself sold my soul to the devil a few months back in exchange for the delivery of a video featuring Ernest Borgnine in a pilgrim costume. Thanks Satan, I'll kill the pope tomorrow.
Okay, we're just about up to the real money scenes. As strange as the film's been so far, it just gets weirder and weirder from here on out. Tom beats up one of the zombie followers and steals his clothes, and despite Corbis' great and almost-psychic powers, this enough to fool the whole clan into believing he's one of them. Hey, it was dark out.
Corbis then begins his ceremony - a sacrifice of William Freakin' Star Trek Priceline Shatner to the devil. Now any time you want to please Satan, you've gotta hurt somebody real bad. After torturing Mark for a few minutes, the devil is appeased and - get this - he wants to thank his devout followers in person. IN PERSON, FOLKS, GET READY. HERE HE IS. THE MYTH. THE MAN. THE DEVIL:
Ohhh my God. OH MY GOD. So far, we've seen Little Red Riding Borgnine and Plymouth Rock Borgnine. Now, the end-all, be-all Borgnine: GOAT-FACED SATAN BORGNINE. I think The Devil's Rain must've been like a swear jar in Ernest's house. Whenever he accidentally yelled 'fuck,' someone else in the family got to hold up a sign saying 'YOU WERE IN THE STUPIDEST MOVIE EVER IN 1975, NOW STOP SAYING CURSEWORDS!" Then Ernie's head explodes and his family peruses the morning mail standing atop his bloody entrails. Sorry, this movie does really strange things to your head.
Yes, that's really supposed to be Satan. Goat horns and all. Though the film was odd to this point, there really wasn't any warning that we were gonna stray this far into a parallel universe. I have to say though - given the right atmosphere and a rainy night spent alone, The Devil's Rain would be pretty creepy to watch. It's full of strange, spooky sounds, the kind that really grab your soul and smack it around. That's one thing these old stupid flicks had - great, natural sound. If this movie was made today, the demon howls and foreboding chamber music would've been so synthesized that you'd barely be able to resist tapping your foot to the beat and getting funky wit yo bad self. I hate to go off into side rants like that, but that big scary goat picture up above is really freaking me out and I'm trying not to think about it.
Satan (I still can't believe it...) begins performing his own little ceremony on Mark. While reciting some evil poem, he grabs a Mark Voodoo Doll™ and throws it into a flame. Of course, Mark begins screaming in pain. A few more dirty tricks later, and viola! Mark is one of the black-eyed demons! Oh, you poor girls out there. Your first experience with a Shirtless Shatner scene, and they go and ruin it by pasting latex and plastic lenses all over his face. And boy, if you thought Shatner took a while to get through a sentence before, you just gotta hear how he talks after the transformation. I could probably teach my cats to act out the first two acts from Hamlet in less time than it takes Shatner to say "I worship Satan now."
Time to meet the movie's third hero, Dr. Sam Richards. Some kind of paranormal expert who also dresses like a cowboy. (played by Eddie Albert) Richards and Preston (Tom, not Mark) find the elusive book, and try to decide on the best course of action. What to do, what to do? I know! They should infiltrate Corbis' secret lair, and rummage through his shit! Yeah! Maybe he left the means to destroy him in the closet! Let's find out!
Hoooo boy. Man oh man oh man. Describing what I'm about to describe is the kind of stuff writers dream about. It's like you've got this big blank canvas, and you're yearning for the inspiration to create something truly groundbreaking to hit. You're there, and you're drawing a blank. Then, by some miracle, the gods shine down upon you and let you describe Satan's egg-shaped soul-trapping television set. I thank thee Lord, deliver us from evil.
Yes, they find Corbis' special container which imprisons all the souls he was promised. Until he gets the book back, he can't deliver these souls to Satan. The fools make a huge but understandable mistake, forgetting all about the book so they can carry around this huge cool egg instead. The book, which was just left on the floor without a care in the world, is picked up by John Travolta in a demon costume and given back to Corbis. UH OH! TROUBLE!
Just before Corbis succeeds in unleashing Hell on Earth or some shit, one of our heroes threatens to smash the egg. He completely overlooks the zillion Corbis cultists behind him and is immediately thwarted, but zombie-version Shatner has reservations about giving the egg back to his evil master. Seems he's still got a bit of the ol' good Christian lurking in there somewhere. After a lengthy (and I do mean lengthy!) internal struggle with his emotions, Shatner smashes the egg.
And here we go - the scene. While The Devil's Rain gained most of it's reputation due to the star-studded cast, horror movie fans were interested in it for an entirely different reason. The scene. After the Cosmic Egg is smashed, the top of the church blows off and a holy water rainstorm is flushed down towards the devil-worshippers. Remember what happened to Papa Preston when wet? Well, imagine what happens to 200 Papa Prestons when wet. It ain't pretty:
Everyone from John Travolta to Satan melts into a gooey, disgusting mess. The climax sequence lasts forever - almost fifteen minutes of people melting with their eyes falling out and their noses exploding into confetti shooters of pussy fluid. Never watch this flick while eating yogurt. The effects are pretty good for the time, and obviously the result of great effort. They don't just show a few of the poor idiots melting while the rest just run around in the background pretending to melt - they actually go through the full gamut of culty cast members, showing them wither away into a sludgy nothingness one by one. It's real gross. AND IT NEVER ENDS. It gets to the point where you're sure you've seen the demon-version of Mama Preston die fifty times. Luckily, the church blows up and the scene ends just before you go completely and irrevocably insane.
The final swerve is served as Tom gives his girlfriend a happy hug because they've defeated Satan. Problem is, that's not Tom's girlfriend. It's Ernest Borgnine masquerading as a vivacious twenty-something with breasts. The Devil's Rain ends here, with Borgnine cackling away, and the audience is left to piece together what's going to happen next. All signs point to Tom getting his face eaten off. It's a dreary way to close things out, but certainly appropriate.
Overall: Strongly recommended. Nobody phones in their performance, and Borgnine seemed to have a lot of fun playing a devil-worshipping bloodthirsty crazyman. This one is just too strange to pass up. It's a real bad movie, but come on now. If someone was able to stick this cast in a movie about black-eyed Satanists who melt into puddles of wax and come out with something good, then that's pretty indisputable proof that there is no God. Rare as it was for a long time, The Devil's Rain is out on DVD now. If someone has it, please e-mail me and let me know if the special features include Ernest Borgnine being fit into a devil goat costume while drinking coffee. 9 out of 10.
