Written/Created by: Matt
Originally posted on 1/22/03.

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Skeletor: What do you two want? We're not even from the same continuity!

Raphael: Skel, we're sick and tired of your constant crimes. You have one hour to leave the city forever.

Skeletor: Or else what?!

Leonardo: If you're not outta here in one hour, we'll come back and chop your arms off.

Skeletor: Fair enough. Do either of you have any spare change handy? I need bus fare.

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Skeletor: Ooooh, those damn Turtles! This is my homeworld! Mine! There's no way I'm leaving. This is the only city in the world where all the diners exclusively serve waffle fries with their burgers. How can I leave?! I won't do it! Wait, wait a second. I have an idea. If Leonardo and Raphael can't find me, then they can't very well chop my arms off. Now all I need to do is find a place to hide out...


Skeletor: Hmmm...this place looks like it might work. It's dank, it's dark, and it's just got the coolest friggin' door I've ever seen. I wonder how much it costs to get something like that done. I imagine you'd have to pay an architect to design it, and then unless he's got some kind of discount relationship with the local carpenters, you'd have to pay full price for the construction, too. Sounds like a lot of money to spend on a new door. Then again, that's quite a door. Great conversational structure to break the ice when you have new friends over. I gotta get myself one of these jagged doors. What a great door!


Pee-Wee: HELLO!!!!

Skeletor: Who are you?

Pee-Wee: Oswald Cobblepot's DADDY. Can I help you?

Skeletor: I'm Skeletor. I need a place to hide. These two giant mutated turtles are trying to cut my arms off.

Pee-Wee: I see! Okay, you can stay here for a while. My real name's Pee-Wee, by the way. Pee-Wee Herman.

Skeletor: Pee-Wee Herman? I think I saw a blowjob technique of the same name in this French magazine once. By the way, you've got a fantastic door.

Pee-Wee: We'll talk more about it inside. Come on in!


Skeletor: What the fuck is this?!

Pee-Wee: It's my house! Pretty, isn't it? The floors talk to you!

Skeletor: Pee-Wee, I don't know if this is gonna work. I usually go for a more sparse, demonic decor.

Pee-Wee: If it makes you feel any better, there's a few dead bodies hidden inside my giant foil ball.

Skeletor: You know, actually, that does make me feel better.


Skeletor: I'm still not sure this is gonna work, Pee-Wee. Everything seems way too cheerful, which is my nice way of saying that all signs point to you and your friends being completely insane.

Pee-Wee: Skeletor, can I ask you a question?

Skeletor: Sure.

Pee-Wee: What's your favorite drink?

Skeletor: Blood.

Pee-Wee: UH OH! YOU SAID TODAY'S SECRET WORD!!

Skeletor: What--


AHHHHHHH!!!


Skeletor: What...what manner of wizardry is this?!

Pee-Wee: Don't be afraid, Skeletor. Every day, one of my robots spits out a new secret word. Today's was 'blood.' Whenever somebody says it, everyone else has to scream real loud! What do you think?

Skeletor: I think that's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard.

Pee-Wee: You obviously never heard Margaret Cho go down a political route with her stand up routine. BADA BING!

Skeletor: I think I should've taken my chances with the Turtles.

Pee-Wee: Wait, wait - you've gotta meet my friends!


Pee-Wee: Spanish Conquistador, meet the Frog Princess of Eurasia.

King of Cartoons: Good one, Pee-Wee. Nice to meet you Skeletor, I'm the King of Cartoons.

Skeletor: I have absolutely no idea what either of you are talking about, but it's nice to meet you as well.

King of Cartoons: Would you like to see a cartoon short about dogs who invent a new kind of water slide?

Skeletor: Absolutely not.

King of Cartoons: Are you sure?

Skeletor: I don't think I've ever been more sure about anything in my entire life.


Pee-Wee: Skeletor, this is Hammy. She's a lesbian.

Hammy: Damn proud of it.

Skeletor: You don't have any breasts.

Hammy: Damn proud of it.

Pee-Wee: Hammy believes in the natural look.

Skeletor: Yeah. That's what I tell people to avoid feeling embarrassed about not having any skin on my face.

Hammy: Are you insinuating that I should be ashamed of the way I look?

Skeletor: Not really, but I would suggest wearing a bag over your head, you puffy-lipped she-male. Pee-Wee, get this Triffid away from me.


Pee-Wee: These are my robots, Conky and Magic Screen. And that's Globey. He's a talking globe.

Skeletor: Is Globey good or evil?

Pee-Wee: I'm not sure, why don't you ask him?

Skeletor: Hey, I'm pretty shameless, but there's no way I'm talking to a globe.

Pee-Wee: Fine. I have someone else for you to meet. She's my SPECIAL LADY, heh heh heh heh. Skeletor, meet Miss Yvonne!


Skeletor: Grandma panties?! I hate this place!


Skeletor: Pee-Wee, I appreciate the hospitality, I really do, but I think your house is a little too nuts for me.

Pee-Wee: Why do you say that?

Skeletor: Well, after you introduced me to the giant lady cow hanging out in the window, I started to feel faint. I went to go get a drink from the fridge, and your tuna salad started telling me knock-knock jokes. I think I've gotta draw the line there, y'know?

Pee-Wee: I understand, this is all very new to you. Tell you what, why don't you just sit down and relax for a little while? If you don't feel better after you've rested, then you can go about your merry way and we won't try to lock you in any cages. Sound good?

Skeletor: I guess I am kinda tired. Sure, I'd like to get off my feet for a bit.


Pee-Wee: Now you just sit there and let Mr. Sandman wash your troubles away. When you wake up, I'll make you a nice batch of peanut butter cookies.

Skeletor: With a tall glass of milk?

Pee-Wee: Anything you want. Just close your eyes and get some rest!


Chairy: Hi Skeletor!

Skeletor: GOOD GOD THE CHAIR IS TALKING TO ME!

Chairy: I hope I was comfortable!

Skeletor: THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS PLACE!!!


Skeletor: PEE-WEE! We have to talk. Your chair just asked me to play Scrabble.

Pee-Wee: Oh, you mean Chairy? Careful, Skeletor. She's a six-time Ikea Spelling Bee champ. Hey, did I ever show you my magic surprise box?

Skeletor: Magic surprise box? It looks like a normal box to me, just with a lot of plastic jewels glued to it.

Pee-Wee: Come closer. Open the box for a surprise!


MECHALECKAHI HI HI, SKELETOR!


Skeletor: That's it, I'm getting the holy hell out of this house.

Globey: Going someplace? I can give you directions to anywhere.

Skeletor: Oh shut the fuck up.


Pee-Wee: Skeletor! What are you doing?!

Skeletor: I'm escaping this cesspool of corruption!

Pee-Wee: Not like that, you're not! It's a five-hundred foot drop onto solid concrete over that wall...you'll never survive the fall!

Skeletor: I'll take my chances! I can't stand another minute with you people!

Pee-Wee: But we were just about to play a game! Everyone puts blindfolds on and spins around until they throw up. Then we take the blindfolds off and try to guess which vomit belongs to who. Wanna join us?

Skeletor: HELP! SOMEBODY HELP!


LATER...

Skeletor: Whiplash! It's really you!

Whiplash: Boss! Where have you been, we've been looking all over for you!

Skeletor: Oh God...those stupid Turtles threatened to chop me up, so I was hiding out in some house on the south side.

Whiplash: Who's house?

Skeletor: SATAN'S HOUSE, WHIPLASH - I SWEAR TO GOD IT WAS SATAN'S HOUSE!


Skeletor: Everything in the place was alive! The floors, the furniture - even the damn daffodils kept trying to make me play with them! It was awful! There was a talking globe, a lesbian, and the guy who owned the place kept trying to make me connect imaginary dots while singing a song about connecting imaginary dots! I thought I was going to be trapped there forever! Finally, I stole their flying scooter and never looked back.

Whiplash: Don't worry, boss. You're safe now. Whiplash is here to take care of you. And to stroke your hair and bathe you.

Skeletor: Just keep me away from that house! Torch it, burn it, do whatever you have to do!


Leonardo: What did we tell you, Skeletor? Now we have to chop your arms off.

Skeletor: Good! Chop them off! I don't care! I'd rather be a free man without arms than stuck in some unholy alternate dimension where everyone tries to make you collect rubber bands and draw baby ducks!

Raphael: Leo, what is he talking about?

Leonardo: I think he's just trying to stall us. Pay no attention to his insane ramblings.


Whiplash: Boss! Your arms!

Skeletor: Don't look so down. They're really Moss Man's arms, anyway. At least I'm safe now.

Whiplash: What's all that red stuff stuck to your shoulderblades?

Skeletor: You idiot! I just got my arms chopped off! It's blood!

Whiplash: Blood? Is that what you said?

Skeletor: Yes...blood! BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!


Everyone: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Skeletor: Oh no, oh good lord in Heaven...NO.

Pee-Wee: Skeletor, you ran off before we could measure your hips. Conky is sewing astronaut outfits for everyone so we can have a special slumberparty where we all pretend the house is in outttttter spppppaaaaaace. Come on, guys! Carry him back to my place!

Skeletor: Whiplash, help!

Whiplash: Astronaut suits! That sounds so cool! Okay you guys, I'll carry his legs. One of you needs to hold his head up.

Skeletor: NOOO! NOOO!

Whiplash: Don't worry, Skeletor. I'll make sure everyone pretends you're the captain of the starship.

Skeletor: Oh well. At least I'll get to see that awesome door again. Be careful with my feet, Whiplash. I've been moonlighting as a toe-ring model and I can't have them scratched up.

- The End -




 


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