X-Entertainment: Clowny - A Tribute To The ULTIMATE Crayon.

Crayons may very well be the most important invention ever. We often take them for granted, but if you really think about it, there isn't anything else in the world so capable of shaping our most wild imaginations into, at least on paper, reality. Plus, they're pretty fun to chew on and spit out. And sure, you might find some positives in switching to fine-tipped markers or pastel sticks when you get a little older, but the tools of the advanced artist always seemed to lack that little intangible something attached to a newly-sharpened red crayon.

Crayola might have the market cornered, and while there's nothing particularly wrong with their brand of colorful waxy cylinders, they don't have the distinction of being able to say they made the best crayons ever. I know this news will break a lot of your spirits out there, but sometimes, the truth hurts. As much as you've always preferred Crayola Crayons over all the would-be usurpers and dime-store imitators, there did exist one crayon - one very special crayon - that totally redefined the premise and made kids worldwide accidentally have orgasms way before they should've. What was it called? Clowny!

I should warn you - they don't make Clowny crayons anymore. They haven't in a long, long time. They probably never will again. I don't know who these 'they' people I keep referring to are, but one can only assume that the conglomerate responsible for Clowny crayons spent many a year purveying the rainbow of colors, obsessing and laboring over the more superior shades before coming to the one realization that set Clowny apart from all the rest: no color is better than another, so why not give us every color all at once?

And while we're at it - why stick to the normal form? Sure, the typical crayon shape served its purpose, but deep down, we all knew that our maroons and cobalt blues were just desperately trying to be pencils and pens. Crayons came in all sorts of rebellious colors, so why should they conform to the standard rules of writing utensil shape? If nothing else, Clowny was an effort to prove that crayons ruled a world all their own. Each of the Clowny crayons mixed dozens of colors into one, and the line marched to town in shapes and designs us Crayola lovers never dreamed possible.

Then, just as suddenly as they arrived, the Clowny crayons disappeared forever. Nobody knows why, and to be honest, few actually care. But you know what? I care! I loved my Clowny, I needed my Clowny, and I still kneel bedside at night to pray to that big crayon upstairs for a resurgence in Clowny's popularity. So far, my call hasn't been answered. I think Crayola bought God's allegiance again.

Clowny crayons were advertised in a series of commercials featuring a bunch of school kids and their teachers dressed up like multicolored cheerleaders, set to the background score of generic circus music. Marketing strategies are important, so I guess this explains why they vanished so quickly. Despite the rather dumb way of getting the word out, I couldn't resist Clowny's powers. Here's the three original versions of this most unique brand of color sticks, and while there's only so much love you can feel towards a pixelated web graphic, I think you'll ultimately agree that Clowny crayons made the world a better place. If you take issue with that, at least admit that they made coloring homemade shroom posters a whole lot easier. Come on, admit it. Throw me a bone, here. Devote .005% of your heart to Clowny. At least give me that.

Article continued below advertisement:
Visit our sponsors to support the site!

Clowny Bars: The first type of Clowny crayon looks a lot like a bar of soap. From personal experience, I can tell you that it tastes a lot like a bar of soap, too. Yellows and reds and greens, all swarming together to form a little block of wax capable of representing the entire color spectrum with a single stroke. Though seemingly crude in design, the so-called 'Clowny Bar' was made from wax of a much higher quality than regular crayons, most likely the result of breeding mutant mega bees.

Upsides: The biggest challenge a kid could face is having to color in a giant white square with crayons. That's the fast track to mutilating the tips of every last one of your 64 waxy sticks. Clowny Bars solved that problem - you could turn the bitch on its side and flush color into the whole square within seconds. Of course, you couldn't fill the square with any one particular color using the bar, but variety is the splice of life.

Downsides: The Clowny Bar was sturdy - in fact, it was so sturdy that no kid could resist the temptation of trying to dismantle it into several smaller pieces. Whether by hammer or shoe-stomp, Clowny Bars were almost always a victim of the most primal urges of children. Once destroyed, the Clowny Bar was no better than a bunch of crayon shavings mashed together into a small sphere. If Clowny had a guy in clown makeup as a spokesperson, he'd be crying on the inside.

Finger Colors: Clowny also came in the 'Finger Colors' variety. You'd place various colors atop your fingertips and just go absolutely apeshit, clawing at construction paper like fiendish cats who couldn't escape their obsession with creating cat-art. And, considering the child's mind, these were stylish enough to wear all day long. The Clowny Finger Colors didn't just help you get through art projects with ease - they helped your ability to walk around shouting 'LOOK AT MY FINGERS' without disappointing any curious souls who took you up on the offer. And oh yeah, were you the type who'd typically make sinister gestures with your hand while pretending to shoot comic book lightning out of your fingers? Well, Clowny Finger Colors looked like the sort of thing capable of just that.

Upsides: Boys didn't have to look like fairies just because they wanted to get in on the whole Lee Press-On Nails fad. Not to discount the benefits of a seven-year-old adorning herself with phony fingernails, but could those things help you draw happy turtles? Most definitely not, folks. Clowny Finger Colors were the solution, and the patron saint of artists-on-the-go.

Downsides: Even if you weren't technically dirty, wearing these things ultimately made your fingers suggest that you hated taking baths. You could've been totally innocent, totally clean - it just didn't matter. Once your fellow classmates noticed the green and blue cuticles, you were branded a skank for life. And unlike 'jerk,' there's no clever acronym to soften the blow of being labeled a 'skank.'

Rainbow Stick: The best damn Clowny of 'em all. When I was going into the first grade, my mother took me out to shop for supplies. Now if my adolescence could be marked for anything, it definitely wasn't any big interest in doing well in school. But every year come early September, I put myself under the belief that I was going to give it my all and land straight 'A's across the board. My convictions seemed strong enough, but they were all a big lie. I had to say all that stuff, and even had to believe some of it. If I didn't, there was no way Mommy would agree to a hot new Trapper Keeper, much less a multicolored toy crayon in a lipstick tube. I put myself under the stern mind that a Clowny Rainbow Stick was the only way to achieve success in the first grade. Through sociopathic magic, I was able to get Mom to agree.

'Mrs. L' was my first grade teacher. Her favorite color was purple, evidenced by the fact that she wore nothing but that very color. The woman wore purple clothes, jewelry, eyeliner - I'm pretty sure she even used to hit herself on the thigh with a club just to achieve that perfect shade of bruised violet. My point? It didn't matter what color was Mrs. L's favorite. Could've been red, could've been yellow, could've been woodstained mahogany. No matter what color it was, I still could've held up my Clowny Rainbow Stick and told Mrs. L -- "I got your shit right here, leader lady."

Upsides: The plastic container helped keep the Rainbow Stick from drying out, because moist crayons are effective crayons. Since you only needed to push out a little bit of the wand during each use, the Rainbow Stick seemed to last a lot longer than it's Clowny cousins.

Downsides: The shape of the crayon was awkward, making it hard to color anything in correctly. You had to be striving for works of the more avant garde nature to really enjoy the Rainbow Stick. Furthermore, it doesn't taste that great sprinkled over braised lamb.

Those three were the combined elements of Clowny's first forage into the crayon market, but our tale doesn't end here. While having enjoyed some small degree of success, there was still something missing from this great web of color Clowny was trying to weave. What else could they add to the pot to separate themselves further from Crayola? What new modifications could be made to turn these super-crayons in super-super-crayons? Let's take a look at the options, in multiple choice format...

A) Add colors excluded from the original versions of Clowny.
B) Package 2-4 crayons per blister card, so parents would feel like they were getting a better deal despite spending more money.
C) Pay an advertising firm to come up with a great Clowny jingle.
D) Reissue the same crayons with plastic clown heads or pink pony torsos tacked on.

Okay, I admit it. Clowny made a few stupid decisions.

Though the new Clowny items were sorta fun to look at, they eliminated one of the big selling points of the originals. See, the first Clowny crayons weren't gender-specific. Boys and girls could love 'em all the same. But these new Clowny things were definitely more in-tune with the female mind, and even if they weren't, no little boys were gonna walk into school with crayons that had pink bunnies growing out of them. Social suicide hurts no matter how old you are, and nothing gets you picked last for dodgeball faster than being the only male in the class who draws bloodsucking vampires using a yellow canary.

Keep smiling, Clown Man. You ruined a legacy.

Still, Clowny crayons were some of the most inspiring and motivating school supplies I've ever had. And that's coming from the first kid on the block to own a pen with erasable ink. I think I may be alone in the club of folks who get nostalgic over crayons, so don't bet on Clowny ever making a triumphant return. They're gone, and they're gone forever. I know it's upsetting, but we've got to pick up the pieces and move on. I don't know who made Clowny, but I doubt they'd want us to cry every night, pining for its safe return. Clowny was supposed to make the world a brighter place, so the best way we can pay our respects is by going out and painting everything different colors. Starting with dogs.

Clowny may be gone, but every cloud has a silver lining. Or, in Clowny's case, every cloud has a silvery, bluish-green lining with orange trim.

Behold, Alex Company's 'Multi Colored Crayons!' Just like Clowny, only made from the kind of wax that disintegrates into gooey dust upon the human touch. Our local dollar store was happy to provide the goods for a price that wasn't cause for a false advertising suit, and a buck is more than worth it for such wondrous crayons. Shaped vaguely like stars, these 'Multi Colored Crayons' take up right where Clowny left off, once again giving you the ability to draw a whole rainbow of colors with one flick of your wrist. See it in action...

Long live Clowny: the crayon without equal.

Remember that Nike Transformers contest we were promoting a few weeks ago? Well, several X-E readers took home a prize. See, not all contests are fake and nasty. UGO's running another one, this time giving away a brand new Sony Watchman every day in February. It's free to enter, and you won't get spammed by doing so. Click heah yo to throw your name in the hat!