X-Entertainment: Star Wars - Sy Snootles & The Max Rebo Band!

Newer visitors to the Star Wars Universe may never have a chance to enjoy one of the trilogy's best scenes - the song and dance number courtesy of Sy Snootles & The Max Rebo Band, from Return of the Jedi. When Lucas re-released the films in the mid-90s, he decided that his opus wasn't quite perfect. In a move that delighted maybe two or three fans and pissed off the rest, the movies were 'updated' with enhanced graphics, added characters, and a whole buncha goofy shit that made purists wash their fan club membership cards with Vader-shaped character soap.

But hey, the movies were his, and he had every right to do it. Some have argued that Lucas was just cashing in by adding what would ultimately amount to more merchandising opportunities, but really - I don't think getting a few more action figures was gonna put much of a dent in a wallet that's already the size of Tatooine. My feeling is that George just has a variation of Michael Jackson's obsessive disease with getting doctors to slice up his nose. Instead of plastic surgery, George just indulged in way too many computer-animated doll-ups. People can change a lot over the course of a few decades, and I think it's pretty clear that Lucas became much more interested in technology than in actual filmmaking as he got older and more spherical. It's a forgivable offense, but I really wish he didn't screw around with the damn Rebo Band.

Nobody would dare add eyebrows to Mona Lisa. Likewise, there's no way to improve on a movie scene featuring an alien elephant playing a futuristic Casio keyboard.

If you've only seen the 'special editions' of the trilogy, you'd only know the Rebo Band scene as featuring a bunch of dancing pretty girls led by some kind of screaming rat with big, decidedly annoying eyes. Originally, the Rebo Band was composed only of three - Sy Snootles, Droopy McCool, and Max Rebo. No rats, no scantily clad Rodians, no pan-drumming Weequays, no bullshit. Considering the era and the lack of special effects technology when compared to today, the sequence was just beautiful. It took around a dozen puppeteers, loads of retakes, tons of make-up and creature effects, and a whole lot of patience to make it work. They succeeded, and while Return of the Jedi was nowhere near as loved as the first two films, this was one scene everyone cherished. At least until 1997, of course.

When Lucas updated the film for the highly anticipated re-release, the song number became an in-your-face, upbeat, comedy relief deal that all but killed the original version's charm. Today, we pay tribute to the first Rebo Band. The real Rebo Band. How? I dunno. Why don't I try writing a few thousand words about their old action figures? What, you expected something else? Newbie.

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The figures were sold only in a three-pack, pictured above, and came out very close to the line's end on top of Toy Mountain. The combination of their relative scarcity and the fact that people love alien musicians has made these guys some of the more expensive Star Wars collectibles over the years, but the prices haven't yet risen to the point where only a guy with Chewbacca tattoos would feel right justified in buying them. The original retail price was 13.99, which was well worth the money to get the only Star Wars toy with visible, uncovered tits. Sure, she was a yellow/green alien vaguely shaped like an ostrich, but she still had tits and boys were pretty amused with 'em. Don't deny it.

They were pretty tough for most kids to resist, looking unlike any other Star Wars figure previously available. Plus, they came in a cool box, and had tiny microphone accessories. These are underrated selling points, folks. Kids wandering the toy aisles were way more likely to want toys based on their packaging than their actual quality, which probably explains why Mattel never sold He-Man figures taped to the cardboard backings of legal pads. The tiny microphones were more of a bonus.

If we're examining the acting ability of the kids in the old commercial, one could deduce that the child on the right hasn't quite learned the art of subtlety. Blue, piano-playing elephants were fun, but they weren't the kind of thing that'd make you smile so maniacally. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on him. George might've been on the set with that damn dog of his, and maybe the dog wandered under the table to lick the kid's unmentionables. I know it's a stretch, but it helps me explain his giddiness a lot better than claiming that a Max Rebo action figure is really such a good time.

Star Wars commercials were always mini-adventures in themselves, and this time, the story revolves around the Rebo Band trying to appease Jabba the Hutt by playing great music. Now, you know Jabba - he ain't easy to please. This is a guy who had a naked Carrie Fisher -- in her prime -- chained to his bed, and STILL needed to eat three or four live frogs to consider it a good afternoon. The band had their work cut out for 'em.

Since Jabba typically feeds people who fail him either to a big underground dinosaur or some huge vagina out in the middle of the desert, Max and his buddies would be wise to really hit those high notes today. Before we take a look at Jabba's reaction to their work, let's meet the musicians...

First up, Sy Snootles. She was the lead singer of the band, and obviously, a firm subscriber to the theory that looks aren't everything. For someone who had all her internal organs compacted into a 14" block of plump yellow flesh, Sy packed quite a punch with her voice. True, I couldn't understand a word she said, but the shit had great range. Considering that Jabba's court was populated primarily by horny alien males, Sy's decision to sing her songs topless was admirable. She didn't have the kind of legs to make the boys swoon, but Sy was a popular chick nonetheless.

Her eyes and mouth were on the end of long stalks attached to her head, while a skimpy loincloth completed the ensemble. The figure came with a microphone accessory, which was interesting since virtually no one else in the Star Wars line didn't come equipped with some kind of rifle or pointy staff. This made Sy less attractive to those who liked to make their toys battle, but a true coup to others who loved staging alien rock concerts during playtime. She wears lipstick to offset any lingering rumors that that thing growing out of her face is actually a benign tumor.

Wildcard Attribute: 'Snootles' rhymes with 'noodles,' and for some reason, that's the kind of thing that interested kids.

Droopy McCool was the Rebo Band's flutist, and while nowhere near as legendary as his compatriots, he was still an essential ingredient to the group's success. The pig-like creature had no eyes and a flabby off-white body, making him the most nondescript character in the entire trilogy. It's a good thing Kenner decided to lump the Rebo Band into a three-pack, since I doubt many kids were gonna line up to buy this guy on his own.

Like the other band figures, Droopy couldn't sit inside any of the Star Wars vehicle toys. Believe me, I've tried. So hard. No matter what I did, I couldn't fit him into the stupid X-Wing. I really, really wanted a fat albino to fly my X-Wing toy. They didn't sell a Porkins figure back then - this was as close as I was gonna get. I only succeeded in getting Droopy's legs to snap off, which technically didn't hurt his ability to play the flute, but made him look three times sillier while doing it.

Here's something random I've just realized - 'Droopy McCool' is the most embarrassing thing in the world to type. I have no idea how to explain it, but give it a try and you'll agree. Maybe the effects are a little less obvious when you're not putting those god-awful words on display for the world to see, but I doubt it. Seriously, give it a shot. Open Notepad and type 'Droopy McCool.' Then type 'I lick my grandma's nipples.' See which one makes your skin crawl more. I guarantee you, Droopy will win out no matter what you compare it to. Typing that is the kind of thing that makes me consider turning X-E into an archive of old baseball game scores. But then again, that'd probably lead to me having to type 'Rollie Fingers' at some point, and that's almost as bad.

Wildcard Attribute: Ugly kids depressed about their looks could always play with their Droopy McCool figure and realize that life could be much, much worse. If it so happened that the kid was even uglier than Droopy, they didn't deserve to be happy anyway.

Max Rebo was the heart of the band, and the biggest selling point of the three-pack. Easily one of the most interesting Star Wars characters of all, Max's appearance was roughly based on any regular elephant, only scaled down in size and shaped to fit into a circular piano. You could remove Max from the piano, but all that did was reveal that he had girly feet and was wearing underwear which only partly obscured the view of his odd alien ass.

Max ended up becoming one of my favorite toys ever. No other action figure could match his charm. No other action figure came close to the landmark of being a piano-playing elephant. I did some research on the character - turns out he's not really an elephant after all. He's of the 'Ortolan' species. Ortolans never forget, and Max always hit the right keys. Unfortunately, the keys on the toy piano don't play sound, but you could hum little noises and pretend they did. Word of warning, though - kids who did that usually ended up being the kind of adults who couldn't rest until they found out that Max Rebo was really an Ortolan. You don't want to be like me. I'm a hermaphrodite.

Wildcard Attribute: If you bought Max as a kid and saved him until your adult years, he could deliver some memorable moments. If you have one, take it with you while out food shopping. After the cashier gives you the total, fumble with your pockets before dumping a pile of pennies and the Max Rebo action figure onto the conveyor belt. When the cashier looks up at you, puzzled, explain that 'it's okay, he's just an Ortolan.' I'm not sure why it's funny, but I can't stop laughing thinking about it. Okay, it's more of an internal chuckle. Okay, it's not really all that funny. So what - blue elephants that play music don't need wildcard attributes.

After the trio finishes their song, Jabba chucks Sy Snootles into the prison chamber under his bed. Guess he's not a fan. I'm sure you could imagine what kind of 'song' an alien Star Wars band would produce, but I think you should hear it for yourself before passing judgment. Click here to listen to the Rebo Band's biggest hit, 'Lapti Nek.' Sy could've been the next Missy Elliot.

Sadly, the original Rebo Band has fallen into obscurity in favor of the newer version. Reports that Lucas doesn't plan to ever release the first versions of the movies on DVD only solidify our fears. You'll have to track down some pretty old cassettes if you want to see them as they were originally intended, and granted, that might be a little more effort than you're willing to spend on a rock band from a Star Wars movie.

To complete our tribute to the real Rebo Band, click the picture below to download and watch the action figure commercial. It has kooky music. Kooky Ortolan music. You'll love it.

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