Written/Created by: Matt
Posted on 2.27.03.

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That's right, folks. Incredible Hulk Hands. It's a new toy for a new generation, and another black mark for all those naysayers who said it couldn't be done. Oh, they did it all right. They made hands. Toy hands. Giant, foamish green toy hands. THAT TALK. If there is a God, I somehow don't believe that giant talking toy hands were a part of his evolutionary battle plan. No, these hands are an anomaly. And while the term 'anomaly' is usually reserved for things like black holes and double-supernovas, I'd wager that these Incredible Hulk Hands are a far more poignant arrival than any of those things.

Why? BECAUSE THEY'RE GIANT GREEN HANDS. THAT TALK.

The latest entry into the merchandising blitz tied to the Incredible Hulk movie that's hitting the big screen, these hands are in good company. The toy stores are literally overflowing with Hulk-related figures, toys, games, and if memory serves, at least two themed brands of 'gamma candy' that turns your tongue green for six weeks. Consider this for a second. That's six weeks that you'll have to spend admitting to every person you know that you buy and eat candy based on the Incredible Hulk movie. Purgatory never turned your tongue green before.

Every decade has its marker. This one's going down as the Era of Stupid Hulk Toys. It's not because of the action figures, though, and it's not even because of the radioactive candy. It's because of THE GIANT TALKING GREEN HANDS.

GIANT
TALKING

GREEN HANDS!!

Yeah, I bought 'em. I've also bought a keychain based on the movie 'Mother,' featuring a close-up shot of Debbie Reynolds' head with the words 'She Really, Really Loves You!' on the reverse side in a big bold pink font. I only mention this to halt any developing theories that the Hulk Hands are irresistible purchases just yet. And also because I want to be the Internet's number one keyword search for 'hulked up Debbie Reynolds.' Two birds, one stone, twenty dollars, and two talking green hands later, now I'm ready to tell you all about it. These hands may very well be the most important item of the past century. You won't believe what they're capable of...

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I'll admit, it took three or four trips to Toy Aisle Six to really sell me on the idea of bringing these things home. This partly because I'm around 67 now, but mostly because I knew that my life was going to be forever changed by 'em. I'm being absolutely serious here - there isn't a person on this planet who can buy a pair of giant green talking hands without screwing up their destiny a little bit. It's unavoidable. No matter what you are - a doctor, a lawyer, a janitor, the guy who modifies the snap-spout on liquid dish detergent up to government standards - it don't matter who you are. Once you buy this toy, you'll be forever known as 'the guy with the Hulk hands.' Nothing more, nothing less. Your family will look at you differently, your pals down at the local moose lodge will treat you differently. Owning these hands is like wearing a big sign telling people that there's something they don't know about you. It could be something good, could be something evil. Or something green and huge. Or FOAM HANDS THAT TALK.

FOAM HANDS
THAT TALK!

Anyway, once I got a look at that kid on the box, I knew I had to have them. Look at him. Look at Little Billy. Formerly the shy, introverted type. Bullied in school and picked last for kickball games. Now? Now he's a jacked up freak of nature. Now he's ready to take on the world and all his many enemies. Even if he's not ready to do that, the kid can punch a brick wall without hurting himself. That's worth twenty bucks on the playground, easy.


Just look at those things. Life-sized Incredible Hulk hands. The gimmick is that they make various noises as you punch and smash things with 'em, which is an interesting little feature I'll talk more about in just a few minutes. The hands are absolutely huge, dwarfing my own fists to the point where I can't imagine many seven-year-olds not being able to turn these things into trendsetting hats. That would actually work out pretty well, since they're made of heat-retaining soft foam. It's been a cold winter, my friends. Trendsetting Hulk Hand Hats could be the next big thing.

Toy Biz took the liberty of including the necessary batteries, and with very good reason. Even if the box says you're supposed to, I don't think many people are going to really believe that big green hands are somehow battery operated. It just doesn't seem natural; most people would've probably considered that part of the instructions a typo. A big, green typo. The hands come in a fixed clenched position, which makes sense considering that the Hulk rarely did anything without looking like he was trying to pass a halogen lamp out his ass. These things are fun, foam, and true to their roots. And green.


The hands are pretty empowering, let me tell you. I never felt so mighty. I usually have to drink gallons of soy sauce and smack my hands with a hammer to get them anywhere near this big. For a brief moment, I was the Incredible Hulk. The moment dissipated when I passed a mirror and saw Corey Haim staring back at me, but I hadn't completely lost my newfound edge. Wearing these things does something to you. Something magical.

I soon found myself punching around the room with the kind of skill and agility that'd make Japanese karate assassins cringe in fear and envy. I usually can't get my arms above shouder-level without becoming winded, so I can only assume that Toy Biz went full monty with the realism and injected each toy hand with a specific amount of liquid gamma super-juice. It explains my increased abilities in hand-to-hand combat, and also why some of my teeth and toenails began falling off. The sunglasses are there because I wanted to be Cyclops, too. Hey, what the hell? I already looked like an idiot version of a superhero...may as well look like the idiot version of several superheroes.


It didn't take long for me to figure out the true coups of owning the Incredible Hulk's big talking hands. There's more than meets the eye with these things. Normally, opening a door is a pretty pedestrian experience. Nothing to write home about, and certainly not a call to make a rare midday entry into the ol' heart-shaped diary. But now?


Now, opening doors is the most fun I've ever had. And that's coming from someone who's played Scrabble and Trivial Pursuit simultaneously. Not only do I get to punch the door open like some wild gorilla, but I get to do it to a score of the Hulk Hands screaming things like 'SMASH!' and 'HULK SMASH!' and 'HULK SMASH UGHNNNGH SMASH HULK!' Other times, the hands will make an electronic 'breaking glass' noise. Opening the door to take a piss never came with a theme song before. I love these hands.


They're also great hat racks, because they're the vague shape and exact size of human heads. Are the Hulk's fists really this big? I can't tell if Toy Biz exaggerated the size for novelty's sake, or if these are true representations. I can't imagine the real Hulk's hands being that veiny, though. He's pretty uncouth, but I just peg him as the sort of guy who'd get something like that taken care of.


Believe it or not, they even work fabulously as slippers. They're comfortable, and sized appropriately. Yeah, this porridge was jusssst right. Plus, if I cross my legs when company's over, my feet will proclaim various intents of 'smashing' everyone else in the room before going into a short instrumental piece using electronic sounds recorded during car accidents.

So, why now? Why not! The Marvel movies have been sure-things for the most part, but why take the risk? If it turns out that the Hulk's new movie sucks, fanfare will dry out quick and the domino effect will knock his merchandising opportunities right onto the clearance rack. It's odd, but it almost seems like the film's popularity might actually peak before it arrives in theaters. If they wanted to market big green talking Hulk hands, now is the time. This way, if the movie bombs and the public shifts interest to the next comic book hero, they've already made their side project cash and don't have to worry about losing the chance to sell Incredible Hulk yogurt. Gamma-enhanced lime yogurt. God I hope they do that.

GAMMA ENHANCED
LIME YOGURT!


You can't turn pages while wearing the hands, but that's okay - the Incredible Hulk wasn't big on reading. Just smashing. Lots and lots and lots of smashing.


Watch it, cat. You've had the upper hand before, but you've never faced an adversary quite like the Incredible Hulk's incredible hands. Go on, try it. Try laying all over my black shirts with your stupid detachable hair. Go on. Eat our plants, pull all the stuff off our shelves. I dare you. Hulk dares you. No? That's what I thought, bitch. You just sit there on the floor and do your best to imitate a statue. The second you irk me or my giant new green hands, I'm gonna wop you into 2007. And by then, the sequel will be out and Toy Biz will re-release these things with missile launchers attached to the wrists. Ya can't win, cat. Nobody can. Hulk hands are my shoulder angel. Green is my power color. You're going down, feline. Down to Chinatown. I hope they cook and serve you. Hulk smash smash Hulk. 2 4 6 8 these hands we do appreciate. Hulky Hulky, rah rah rah.

Final Grade: A+. No kid could turn these down. This is one of the best toys I've ever seen, and I've seen many. If you've got a son, get these for him right green now. If you don't have a son, buy 'em for your damn green self. I can't even begin to describe the Pandora's Box effect these things have. I don't think I'll ever be the same again. Especially after I get the surgery to make these my green hands permanent. I will smash forever. Overall, consider this a solid victory for the Hulk. Not the one who does commercials with Alf. The green Hulk. He's incredible.

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