Whiplash: I still don't see why you can't meet up with a different antique dealer. This guy gives me the creeps.
Skeletor: Look, I know Frisione has his quirks, but the guy's wares are the best in town. And come on, you've seen Snake Mountain lately. Even if I was courting a blind, 200-year-old grandma with horns growing out of her ass, I'd still take her to a sleazy motel before that place. We need to get some classier furnishings.
Whiplash: Whatever, Skeletor. If he hits on me again this time, I'm punching his lights out. Then he'll have to dust all his old, bell-shaped vases in the dark! Muahaah! Didn't think I was gonna go there, did ya boss?
Skeletor: Whiplash, I know going antiquing puts me in a better-than-usual mood, but don't take that as an invitation to actually converse with me.
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Frisione: Skeletor! So nice to see you again! We've missed you around these parts.
Skeletor: Hi, Frisione.
Frisione: I have some fantastic antiques to show you today. I think you'll be most pleased. And who's your little friend? Oh my! Do my eyes deceive me? Whiplash, you Adonis! Always great to see you...
Whiplash: Eyes on my face, Fris. Thanks.
Frisione: So get this, guys. The boys down at the art school want me to be their model for a sculpturing class. What do you think of this pose? I call it.. 'Open Invitation.'
Skeletor: Frisione, we're kind of in a rush. That Best of the Best of the Worst of the Best of American Idol special is gonna be on tonight. Let's see the antiques.
Frisione: Are you sure you don't want to wrestle first? Play wrestle, I mean.
Skeletor: Yeah, yeah I'm pretty sure I'd rather see the antiques than play wrestle. Thanks anyway.
Whiplash: Why aren't we destroying him?!
Skeletor: I told you! Fris has all the good shit and his prices are insane!
Whiplash: Boss, I'm getting really concerned for your safety, here. This guy's gonna end up walking away with your money and your anal virginity. Be careful.
Skeletor: I'm always careful! You're the one who needs to be careful. Remember when you ate pinecones because you theorized that, since they fell off trees, they must be close edible relatives of the pitted olive? Who was being 'careful' then, Whiplash?
Whiplash: I still maintain that they were edible. They just didn't digest very well.
Skeletor: Hey Frisione, what about this one? Looks interesting...
Frisione: I'm not so sure you want that one, Mr. Skeletor. It's a little more outsider art than you're probably used to.
Skeletor: What do you mean?
Frisione: That statue is made entirely from bear shit.
Skeletor: SOLD AMERICAN! Can I touch it to see if it's a quality piece?
Frisione: Of course!
Skeletor: Quick, trade with me.
Whiplash: Oh no. Not again, boss. I fucking hate trading them with you.
Skeletor:I'm the master, and I say we trade! Don't make me summon lightning again.
Whiplash: Shucks, Skeletor....grrr...
Whiplash: I am so sick and tired of trading my arms with you every time you have to touch something disgusting. Just put on a pair of gloves like the rest of the damn world.
Skeletor: Whiplash, consider the position I'm in. I'm a man of power, a man of influence. I can't very well use my own arms to touch statues made from bear shit. What would people think?
Whiplash: But boss, these aren't even your arms! You stole them from Moss Man!
Skeletor: Those are my best arms, Whiplash! Don't be insane. It's like silverware. You don't use your best China to serve bowls of chili, right? Anyway, sorry Fris, I'm not so sure I like this one. The texture isn't without some appeal, but this thing just smells way too much like bear shit.
Frisione: This is no problem, Mr. Skeletor, no problem at all! I have many other fine items that should definitely suit your tastes better. Come, let's see what we can find!
Frisione: Take a look at this one. It's an 18th century Buddha statue, practically life-sized! Many people don't know this, but Buddha was actually a pretty short guy.
Skeletor: Is that solid gold?
Frisione: Well, not exactly. There's chocolate underneath the gold wrapper, though.
Skeletor: Pass. I'm looking for something a little more...I dunno...'upscale?'
Frisione: Oh! Well why didn't you say so? I've got the perfect antique for you...
Frisione: It's beautiful, isn't it?
Skeletor: I'll say. Like two ripe peaches, as bright as the summer's day and as smooth as linoleum. It's positively magnificent.
Frisione: Ripe peaches, Mr. Skeletor?
Skeletor: PUT SOME PANTS ON, YOU GOD DAMNED FREAK.
Frisione: Oh sure, Mr. Skeletor. You don't have to wear pants, your little green friend over there doesn't have to wear pants - but I have to wear pants? Why should I have to wear pants if you and your little green friend over there don't have to wear pants?
Skeletor: Fris, it's just in the way you present yourself. Whiplash and I might not wear pants, but we're not shoving our asses in everyone's face either. Unless your ass is Victorian and two centuries old, it's not what I came here to see.
Frisione: I see. Well, my father taught me that the customer is always right. Next time you visit, I will be wearing pants.
Skeletor: That's good, very good. Now if you don't mind, I think I'll lead the browsing party from here on out. You're slow and annoying.
Skeletor: What...what's this?
Frisione: Oh that? It's just some old Toys R' Us store display. I think it's supposed to be one of Geoffrey's kids.
Skeletor: It's perfect!!
Frisione: Are you sure? It's just a big plastic giraffe. It's not valuable at all.
Skeletor: All the better! My wallet's a little tight these days. I shouldn't be spending too much money. Tell me, what's your asking price for this beauty?
Frisione: 75,000 dollars.
Skeletor: TELL ME HE DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT!
Skeletor: Fris...75,000 dollars?! Don't you think that's a little high?
Frisione: But Mr. Skeletor! At that price, the statue is a steal! For anyone else, I would've asked for at least 250,000. I considered my offering price a personal favor to you!
Skeletor: What a load of crap. I'll tell you though, I really want that thing. Why don't we make a little bet? We'll have some kind of contest, you can pick which kind. If you win, I'll pay double for the statue. If I win, I get to take it home free of charge.
Frisione: Oh ho ho! Mr. Skeletor, you're a shrewd bargainer. And your pecs have caught the attention of more than my eyes. I'm more than happy to oblige your counteroffer. What kind of game should we play?
Skeletor: I told you, you can pick. You make the game, we play, and somebody wins it fair and square.
Frisione: Sounds great! Okay, let me think. This is a real tough one, but I think I know what kind of competition we should have.
Skeletor: Excellent, let's get started!
Skeletor: Would you consider it redundant if I said that this wasn't exactly what I had in mind?
Frisione: But Mr. Skeletor, it's the Wacky Doctor Game! If you win our epic Operation match, you get a free giraffe!
Skeletor: You know, that's pretty interesting. I bet you're the only person in the whole universe who's ever uttered that statement.
Frisione: Indeed! Our game is historic and we haven't even begun playing it yet! Who should go first?
Skeletor: Umm...you go first. I'm a little rusty on the rules.
Frisione: ...and the person who collects the most fake body parts without touching the metal sides and setting off the buzzer wins!
Skeletor: That's it?
Frisione: That's it!
Skeletor: This is the stupidest game I've ever seen! There has to be some other rules you're not mentioning.
Frisione: No, I swear it! All you have to do is remove all of the plastic organs!
Skeletor: Well, then what are all these game cards for?!
Frisione: Oh, those are just my business cards. The reason they don't have any real information on them is because us antique dealers like to maintain an aura of mystique. If you talk to some of the other dealers, you'll understand.
Skeletor: Ugh, FINE. Is it my turn yet?
Frisione: Yes. I've collected two pieces so far. That means I'm winning. Don't forget our sexual side bet!
Skeletor: We didn't make a sexual side bet, Frisione. Cut the shit.
Skeletor: Well, this sucks. I haven't collected a single piece. You're totally slaughtering me. I want to have a different kind of contest. Maybe a mini-raffle?
Frisione: You can't go and change the rules now, Mr. Skeletor. Just because I'm winning doesn't mean you can quit. You said I could pick the game, and I did. Now stop complaining and pick that plastic piece of bread out of the patient's crotch.
Skeletor: The piece of crotchbread? Why shouldn't I try to get that cheerful butterfly off the guy's tits first?
Frisione: I already collected that one. It's the first piece I went after.
Skeletor: I should've guessed.
Skeletor: Well I'll be. That's the damnedest thing I've seen all year!
Skeletor: ...I stand corrected.
Skeletor: I can't get any of the pieces out. This blows.
Frisione: Doesn't matter anyway, Mr. Skeletor. I've already retrieved all of the pieces. I win!!!
Skeletor: What?! You cheated!
Frisione: Frisione has been called many things, but never, never, NEVER a 'cheater,' Mr. Skeletor. You insult me with your flippancy. Pay up. That'll be 150,000 dollars.
Whiplash: Skeletor, what are we going to do?! We don't have 150 grand.
Skeletor: Shut up for a second, I'm getting an idea.
Whiplash: Boss, you already tried to make a money-duplicating machine. Remember, you used that old Cuisinart and the hair buzzer? It'll never work!
Skeletor: No, that's not what I mean. Look at the game - is that a rubber band they're using to represent the anklebone?
Whiplash: Yeah, so what?
Frisione: You'll never get away with this, Skeletor! I have friends! Powerful friends!
Skeletor: Oh please, Fris. I'll ward them off with a picture of a vagina.
Frisione: Very funny. You'll regret the day you crossed Frisione Belantonio!
Whiplash: Boss, I've got the statue. Let's get out of here.
Whiplash: Amazing. Looks like you actually won this time.
Skeletor: I know. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Whiplash: You got a great decoration for Snake Mountain and it didn't cost you a thing! This day's turned out pretty cool after all. Hey, why'd you take all those cards?
Skeletor: Mementos of my victory. Plus I needed paper so I can continue adding to the collection of puppy drawings I make. Did I ever show you those? I've got the baby Beagle down pat.
