Cartoon All-Stars
If you do drugs, Papa Smurf and Alf will come to your rescue.
While at Toys R' Us last night, (for batteries and just batteries, I swear it) I couldn't help noticing a gigantic cardboard standee for their new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 'Awesome Art' contest. Now, what's considered 'awesome art' in a contest whose entrants are either me or under age seven might be a little vague, but it's always admirable when a toy company does something for the kids that doesn't involve taking their money. The competition will surely be fierce, as children of all ages rage against their peers to create the best-looking portraits of their favorite Ninja Turtle. The grand prize? One lucky soul gets their artwork immortalized as a TMNT trading card. Here's scans of the contest flyer...
(click to enlarge)
More than anything else, the contest is just promotion for TMNT's new Fox cartoon show and the slew of action figures that came along with it. Nobody should be surprised by the resurgence - everything is making a comeback, and if this decade is going to be remembered for anything, it's the public's love of the past. What is surprising about TMNT's latest run is that it came so quickly. Honestly, the Turtles' first boom period from the very late 80s didn't really end until just a few years ago, and they've been repackaged far faster than any of the other kiddie phenomenons out there. There used to be an unwritten statute of limitations on this sort of thing, so why did TMNT refuel their legacy so quick?
The easiest way to explain it is simply by looking at our current culture - if you look at a picture of any toy store from ten or fifteen years ago, the wares seem oddly familiar to what's out there today. The Cartoon Network has replaced MTV as the new In Thing, and society at large has become rather unashamed of proving that we've still got the mentality of a six-year-old. Being a 'big kid' is no longer frowned upon, and even if it was, we've got way too much company in that regard to really feel all that embarrassed by it. Still, this fad won't last forever - and yes, it's most certainly a fad. Why would the companies who hold stock in the TMNT franchise wait till the well dries up? If they've got the chance to get children and children with beards to spend money, it'd be totally un-American to pass it up. It's patriotism through capitalism, see. TMNT's comeback isn't a thing of greed - it's the way things work, and the big bonus is that we're all afforded the chance to watch mutant turtles break out with the ninja shit like it's shiny and new all over again.
It's definitely working, too. I've noticed a substantial increase in traffic to the old TMNT articles I've done here on the site, and can only assume it's coming from fans who've grown more interested in the lore after checking out the new cartoon or picking up the new Donatello figure with an also-new and much meaner scowl. While a good percentage of the enthusiasts are 'repeat fans,' there's also a heavy amount of people who never knew much about dem filthy toiltles till this past year. That takes us to today's article.
Curious about TMNT's reach during their initial run? Look no further. Here's a look at some of their sillier triumphs over the years, ranging from foodstuff to cameo appearances on public service announcements regarding GODDAMN BIKE SAFETY. New fans, take note - this is some of the crap you missed out on. As we're about to learn, that's not necessarily a bad thing...
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Largely considered the reason many people started skipping breakfast, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cereal was as scattered in its composition as it was impossible to digest. It's difficult to say why Ralston believed they had a winner with this one, but crack was fairly well-distributed in the 90s. The commercial opted to go down the dark path of dishonesty, portraying the Turtles as creatures who rather enjoyed the sordid taste of the stuff even though we know that's clearly impossible. They never smiled that vividly on the show, even when Raphael was at his wittiest or when Leonardo wore the foam cowboy hat.
The situation was perilous for kids - given the Turtles' immense popularity and admittedly high knowledge of cool street slang, we couldn't possibly pass up a cereal box with their happy heads on it, no matter how much the stuff tasted like shit. We were in an unenviable position - forced by loyalty and starstruck awe to buy a cereal we could never eat. You know that trick they always show - the one where the kids spill their lima beans on the floor for the dog to eat when the parents aren't looking? Well I hate to break this to you, but that's the sort of trick you can only employ once a day. People start catching on to things like that. It's a sad state of affairs when kids had to waste this ace card on breakfast, a meal that usually could do no wrong. We should've been saving the magic for dinner, where the orange alert is constantly buzzing for the high risk of a broccoli attack.
But like they say -- 'if you're gonna eat crap, eat crap shaped like Leonardo.'
There it was. A bowl full of Hell. It wasn't so much any one ingredient that made the TMNT cereal so wretched, rather the fact that they were made to taste terrible when mixed together. There's a reason they don't market Marshmallow Chex, folks. The guys behind TMNT should've realized that before causing so many children to throw up. Aside from the sweetened corn 'ninja nets,' there were a bunch of pastel-colored marshmallows either shaped like the Turtles or one of their trademark weapons. Oddly, the marshmallow Turtles are represented in baby, pre-mutated form. Ralston's explanation of 'youth for the youth' never quite cut it for me. I hate Ralston.
It didn't take long for children to give up - as much as we loved the Turtles, we couldn't possibly go out and buy something so unabashedly awful any longer. Until they tricked us again, that is. When a cereal is losing steam in its great race up Breakfast Mountain, the company will usually add a free toy to the mix to spice things up. Remember, TMNT was all about those damn toys at heart. We'd drove ourselves stork bathing mad trying to collect every last one of the action figures, and if Ralston was gonna start adding toys to the formula, we'd have no choice but to stick with the cereal that almost killed us.
And so it happened. Inside each box of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cereal was a free Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Ring. That's a whole lotta Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Memorabilia for one little Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Price. The rings depicted the heads of the four Turtles, separately of course, and each of them was molded with a different emotional distress signal etched to their faces. Only Don and Mikey are allowed to look at all happy, while poor Leo and Raph get to look like they're trying to shit out a 13" television that's been tarred and rolled around in broken glass.
Obviously, kids stopped buying the cereal again once they had finished collecting all of the four rings. Ralston was livid - this was the kind of thanks they got for giving out free plastic rings that make 5-point plastic spider rings look like 24-karat wedding rings by ringish comparison? At this point, they gave up on trying to actually please their customers, and instead chose to simply milk 'em for all they were worth. More 'promotions' and 'giveaways' were staged, not the least impressive of which being a huge contest where the winner won practically everything having to do with the Ninja Turtles...
For some reason, 'Cookie Crisp' also got in on the fun with this one. I guess Ralston cared after all - they gave the 95% who couldn't eat TMNT Cereal without dying a backup plan. A chocolately backup plan. The best kind. Plus, as a minor concession to the majority of entrants who didn't take home a grand prize, they even gave away free Turtle masks to all who entered. If you chilled 'em before putting the mask on, they'd help get rid of eyebags too.
Next up, an interesting TMNT toy that's nothing like what we're used to seeing. Typically, when one thinks of 'TMNT toys,' they're thinking of Playmates' historic line of action figures that sometimes came with 'color-changing features' that were later recalled for causing too many children to drown. Remco, buying the rights to a small chunk of TMNT's name value, began production on a toy inspired by a previously proven success, the 'Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robots.'
Duelin' Dudes, where Michaelangelo and Shredder engaged in a perpetual boxing match. The only way to win was by dislodging your opponent's head from their body. A PTA fave. Using the two 'joysticks' on either side of the battle ring, kids did their best to throw those right hooks in an endless struggle to be the sole population of boxing toys in the house who didn't need neck fusion surgery. I'll begrudgingly admit that there's few things in the world more fun than playing with the Duelin' Dudes set. Maybe teaching a ferret to speak, but that takes way more time and effort. Plus you wouldn't get to kill Shredder.
It's sad that the true competitors don't get any say in who does their puppeterring. If I was the toy Michaelangelo boxer, I wouldn't want the kid who lost his right arm in the Great School Fire handling my uppercuts. Meanwhile, Shredder retains his false color scheme conjured up by Playmates when they didn't feel like spending an extra quarter on silver paint.
But if you think that's obscure and off-base, take a look at this next one. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Bowling Pins.
Poppin' Pins Bowling took TMNT to an unbridled level of stupidity, evidenced by the commercial director's decision to use guys wearing six-dollar Turtle Halloween costumes for the promotion. This thing came out pretty late in the game, and really, few kids still considered the Ninja Turtles 'cool.' In an attempt to offset that, they made the poor reptiles wear ultra-cool ripped denim vests. It didn't pan out too well, and the only person who actually bought the Poppin' Pins Bowling game was that guy who wanted to get into Guinness for the largest amount of bogus tax write-offs.
Some of the pins were shaped like the cartoon characters, running the gamut from our green heroes to friendly Casey Jones and Rocksteady, the disgruntled mutant rhino. There's been zillions of board games based on bowling over the years, but what made this one special was the pins' penchant for popping up to the skies whenever they were hit. In reality, their takeoff was about as impressive as a model rocket with a blown fuse's takeoff. Not the kind of takeoff you told your grandkids about. The only worse takeoffs I can think of would force me to write jokes much too insensitive to pen.
Actually, this article has made me realize something about the Turtles' popularity waves. I don't think people were really ready to give up on TMNT, but didn't have much of a choice due to the completely oversaturated market. You can love the holy hell out of anything, but once you see it being represented as microwave sausage links or a jet plane, you know it's time to call it quits. This year's resurgence is more of a byproduct of the 'cooling off period,' when enough time finally went by to allow people to forget the fact that there were once pies filled with liquid green sugar based on the Ninja Turtles.
After all, we couldn't have them thinking they were bigger than Jesus. Turtles with pride are okay, but they lose their luster when crossing into the realm of egotism. How big do you think Michaelangelo's head got when he was chosen to star in an ad promoting bike safety?
Okay, I understand that they're fictional characters, but I just don't believe anyone could draw the emotions shown on Mikey's face during this PSA. It's like he knows he's gone too far, and that he's killing his mystique by indulging in such obvious and cliche roles. When he speaks sternly about the dangers of riding a bike without your helmet, you can soooo tell that he's trying to get across an apology. Even the tone of his voice is piteous, marked down three octaves from usual and absolutely full of audible regret. At least he's teaching kids a good lesson, right? You can skateboard around the brick sewers and fly a giant blimp around New York City skyscrapers without one, but don't you dare pedal your way to Billy's house without putting a helmet on first.
Look at his eyes. Look at his eyes, and tell me you can't see the uncertainty. Mikey made a big mistake with this one. The Turtles made their mark almost by being antiheroes, and there's just nothing at all edgy about telling us to wear styrofoam hats whenever we ride a bike. The eerie red glow surrounding the helmet in the second pic represents Michaelangelo's angst and inner torment. In the search for an upside, at least you could get a free sticker by sending in a SASE. Mikey died for the good of our notebook decor. That's a serious cause.
I wonder where TMNT's latest run on top might lead. Are we just one ratings point away from being forcefed lime green Go-Gurt? Are Ninja Turtle-shaped tomatoes just around the corner? Time will tell. I won't mind as long as they don't play the helmet card again. Cowabunga.
