Written/Created by: Matt
Posted on 4.15.03.

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With Easter just around the corner, any trip to the holiday aisle at a grocery store will help us remember the occasion's one true selling point: candy! Don't get me wrong - I come from a fairly religious family, but it's more like religion out of convenience. We only break out the bibles and rosaries when someone's really sick, and the mass on Christmas Eve is just a way for my parents to get us all out of their house as they clear the tables in preparation for dinner courses 8-66. When it comes to Easter, the closest they get to Jesus is throwing half his lamb into a preheated oven. None of this ever really struck a chord with me, so I just considered it a special day where everyone guiltlessly ate chocolate.

Amidst the many pastel-colored plastic baskets and various hunts for hard-boiled eggs, (or hard-plastic eggs filled with pennies - cheap wop stock I come from) there was always that one particular candy that tempted me like the Devil's apple. Something sweet, sugary, chocolatey, and filled with the apparent puss drained from cat tumors. Cat tumor puss tastes fantastic if you sweeten it correctly. Friends, it was the Cadbury Creme Egg. A lump of candy so rich and amazing, they can't sell it for more than a few scant months per year. Instantly fattening and decidedly shaped like a chicken pregnancy, today we pay tribute to this most carb-filled candy of holiday lore...

According to Hershey's commercial, which is still in rotation well over a decade later, these delicious monsters are birthed from the ass of the infamous Cadbury Bunny - a rabbit who bucks and clucks like a chicken while shitting out chocolate. Deny not the glory, friends: it's the only candy in the world with an origin story. Only available for a short time during the year, the public must face the challenges of a limited time offer. If you don't stock up now, your well of Cadbury Creme Eggs will surely dry out by June. An entire summer without Cadbury? Could you even imagine it? Oh, how I feel for those piteous souls, taking in the rays on a chaise lounge at Sandy Hook, happily sipping a margarita before realizing how much better the day would've been had they kept just a few Cadbury Eggs. Candy yolk is as synonymous with summer as sand and sitcom reruns, so make like the squirrels and hoard enough of the shit to last you till next Easter.

It's a frightening and sobering thought, but there might even be a small number of you out there who've never actually seen a Cadbury Creme Egg. Way to waste life's potential, folks. I feel I must take responsibility for those lost souls who've never partaken in this fleshy shell of cake icing, and assume the best way to handle this is by detailing the step-by-step process involved with unmasking the Egg's inner glory. It's not the kind of article that I'll get syndicated to Reader's Digest, but at least I can go to sleep knowing that I might've taught even just one person how to exist in sugary style.

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Each Egg is protected by a foil wrapper in various bright colors, the wrapper being adorned with inexplicable caricatures of Tweety Bird alongside the company logo. And get this - if you're the type who likes to collect bar code stickers, there's one of 'em on each and every Egg! Wow...bar code stickers!

When choosing a Cadbury Egg, especially a single one that's gone unmothered by a shielding cardboard box, it's important to feel around the Egg to make sure it hasn't been cracked prematurely. I'd rather find a chicken embryo in there than have to deal with the pitfalls of stale marshmallowy candy yolk. Still, while the shell should be in one piece, it shouldn't be the Fortress of Steel. If you find the Egg to be a little too hard and granite-like, there's a strong possibility that it's a stale one leftover from '85. Essentially, you're looking for an egg with a semi-pliable but fully intact shell. Once found, you may begin removing the foil wrapper. As a little side game to entertain yourself during the cold and lonely nights, try to get the entire wrapper off in one piece. Even bomb diffusers say it's impossible.

Once the Creme Egg is completely unwrapped, you're afforded a short time to assess the chocolate beauty and superior detail. Even the world's most touted works of art fall short of the Egg's distinction, and though you might disagree, Cadbury wins the war anyway since their work of art is edible. As a concession to other holidays that don't get their own Cadbury candy, each Egg has an etched-on Christmas tree topper gracing its sides.

The Egg, of course, is hollow. That means the chocolate you're holding between your fingers is deceptively thin, and quick to melt. You cannot loiter and wish wash while holding a Cadbury Egg - to do so would criminally rob you of the chance to break the oval opus open yourself. (oval opus open - three points) When I suggest that you admire the Egg before eating it, I must also insist that you do it only in passing. If you waste your time, you're wasting your Egg. Post-op abortions really piss off the Cadbury Bunny.

Assuming you got this far without any problems, it's now time for the final step. The most glorious of all the steps, even the literal steps from the ruins of Ancient Rome. No steps are better than this step - it's time to crack the egg!

Ahhhh, there it is. Somewhere, off in the distance, neighbor cats meow because they're intuitive enough to know that something impressive just happened. The true wonder of the Cadbury Egg is it's luscious, sweet, sticky, slimy candy yolk. Nobody is really sure what to classify it as, but more people would be open to oral sex if bodily fluids tasted this good. The yolk is quite gluish - you could easily tack up posters with the stuff. In effect, the two broken pieces of chocolate shell serve a miniature dishes so you don't have to get the crap all over your fingers. Some, like myself, don't even bother eating the chocolate afterwards. I mean, you just ate Heaven's Yolk -- how's a piece of flimsy chocolate going to top that? There's also a good amount of people who eat both parts of the Cadbury Egg simultaneously, a brave feat I've always feared would blow a fuse in my brain by being so deliciously Willy Wonka.

With loads of fat and calories, the Cadbury Egg could never be rightly considered an oversized one-a-day. Fortunately, they're quite filling and few would even try eating a second one in sequence unless they previously constructed a trap door on their stomach so they could scoop out the half-digested remnants of the first Egg. I'm working on it, but everyone's stingy with grants during these troubled times.

Course, the pictures you've seen were taken by Hershey's, and certainly run the risk of being more fiction than fact. We've all bought junk food that looked terrific in the ads and like horse shit at home. I had enough faith in the Great Egg to give it the benefit of the doubt, but for all you cynics, let's break it all down again - this time using a Cadbury Egg I purchased myself...

So far, so good. The shell hadn't been manhandled or broken by whatever stock boy threw it into the sale cart at Shop-Rite, so I went right into the Unwrapping Stage without a care in the world. Soon, the Cadbury Egg would prove its worth. I failed in my attempt to get the foil off in one piece, but took solace in the fact that one of the larger pieces hosted the entire chicken caricature unscathed. Bronze medal ain't so bad.

The yolk is nowhere near as smooth or creamy as the commercial suggests. That doesn't take away from it's godly taste, but admittedly, it isn't as pretty. Still, the yolk becomes silkier even with a modicum of extra heat, and returned to a more liquidy state once I began playing with it.

It's way more fun that it looks, trust me. After a while, you'll consider skipping the eating part entirely just so you can fondle the yolk some more. It's not the kind of thing I'd do while waiting in an office to take a job interview, but it's aces for quiet time. Plus, my hand looks like the logo from the M*A*S*H movie in that third pic. Charades is so much easier with chocolate props.

The Cadbury Creme Egg is one of the few must-have Easter candies, alongside luminaries like Marshmallow Peeps and Shocking Blue Marshmallow Peeps. Nutritionally, it's really no worse than any candy bar, and in fact less heart-clogging that some of the candies people eat on a more regular basis. Hey, they can't let you down with ingredients like 'Soya lecithin' and 'Yellow 6.' My only concern is that they'll someday run out of their supply. Let's face it, there's only so many creme-filled eggs a single Cadbury Bunny can birth. Even with a medically enhanced rabbit uterus, the thing just doesn't have much of a lifespan. I think it's time Hershey's saw the writing on the wall...

Time to build an army. A legion of bunnies that crap out Easter candy. On that day, Easter will become my fourth most favorite holiday. It'll be great.



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