Castlevania Villains
Check out all the monstrous baddies Simon had to whip and axe to death.
Careful, there might be a decent movie hiding in here. Double Dragon, released in 1994 alongside other arcade translations like Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, really didn't have a snowball's chance in your ass of making it big. The video game series is heralded, but the fan interest was nowhere near the level of those other flicks. Personifying movies of the direct-to-video variety, Double Dragon suffers from embarrassingly bad dialogue, cheap special effects, and a storyline that goes a long way in proving that dead fish can punch up scripts if you really need to keep the budget low. Yet, it's still tons of fun to watch. Sort of like a train wreck, only with the victims using terms like 'butthead' and 'gnarly' while performing karate chops.
Wait until you hear who's in it -- the cast was much better suited for a Fox reality show where celebrities try to out-survive each other by throwing coconuts. Playing the heroic tubular ninja dudes are Scott Wolf as Billy Lee, and Mark Dacascos as Jimmy Lee. They're brothers, but since one is a white boy and one is a Japanese, I guess they're brothers from different mothers. You'll of course remember Scott from his Party of Five days, but he's way more cheerful here. Mark? Well, he's been in a number of flicks, but his roles usually didn't amount to much more than doing high kicks through brick walls while shouting expletives. They're the stars, but the fun doesn't stop there.
Robert Patrick got the nod as lead villain 'Kogo Shuko,' a frosty-haired chap hell-bent on taking over New Angeles. More on that in a minute, and believe me, hearing about it is worth the wait. The cast is rounded out by a bunch of faceless bargain basement schmucks wearing leather costumes and phony mohawks, but the jewel of this Nile is most definitely 'Marian Delario,' played by ALYSSA MILANO. WITH A BLEACHED BLOND CREW CUT. ALYSSA MILANO GOT A BLEACHED BLOND CREW CUT FOR THE DOUBLE FREAKIN DRAGON MOVIE. Off in the distance, you can almost hear her agent getting smacked in the face with a tire iron.
Though most who've seen it did so on video, Double Dragon was actually in theaters, amassing a pitiful 2.3 million before the world went on a collective hunger strike to get it off the silver screen. The movie is totally idiotic, but everyone involved knew that, so the end results are pretty tongue-in-cheek. Tongue-in-cheek and poorly acted. It's essentially a lighthearted action flick that panders to the young audience with lots of sight gags, overstated explosions, moral lessons, and ridiculous monsters. And oh yeah - matching ninja outfits with matching plastic gems. Can't forget those. Here's the review...
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The story takes place sometime in the future, and America's been overrun with poverty, pollution, and gang warfare. Why is America's future always so bleak in movies? Just for once, I'd like to see the future represented by nominal changes like six-wheeled cars or rotisserie chicken that doesn't look disgusting. The adventure is staged at 'New Angeles,' formerly Los Angeles, now a reeking filthhole island filled with despair and grunge rock. The gangs became such an issue that the police force had to agree to a compromise - anyone caught outside after dark is fair game for the gangs to rape and pillage. Also of note: smog levels are dangerously high, evidenced by the news reports by - AND I SHIT YOU NOT - Andy Dick, George Hamilton, and Vanna White. All using their real names. It doesn't make sense, but neither did the decision to make a movie based on Double Dragon.
Kogo, who has apparently lived and died many times for centuries, is on the hunt for the mysterious Double Dragon amulet. Currently split into two pieces, the amulet is said to bring immeasurable power to the person who possesses it. You know, they say it's 'immeasurable,' but I bet nobody's ever even tried to measure it. I hate it when resurrected idiots and karate shodokinasakis make blanket statements like that. Kogo retrieved one half of the amulet, granting him magical powers. These powers include the ability to disembody himself and turn invisible, commandeer his victims' body, not to mention the fact that he looks so urbany chic with that big gaudy gold necklace swinging around his chest hair. If the villainous and new wave Kogo is able to locate the amulet's other half, it'd basically be like Satan walking among us. Unless Satan hands out free candy, that's not a good thing.
Billy and Jimmy Lee are good boys with karate roots, who enter competitions and make really stupid jokes. They try to establish specific personalities for each of the heroes, but the story often switches 'em around, so it's impossible to gage their emotional gamuts. In some scenes, Billy's the irresponsible one, while Jimmy is the big prankster in others. Scott Wolf probably considered suicide after seeing the finished film - you just can't believe the ungodly amount of bad lines he's forced to spout off with zest. 'What a buzzkill, you butthead! That's radical and gnarly, you buzzkill butthead!' No joke, that's pretty much verbatim. It's like the stole all the heroes' lines straight from Schwarzenegger in The Running Man. Trust me, the words are nowhere as amusing when they're not coming from Arnold's mouth.
The boys have no family, instead depending on the lovely 'Satori' for guidance. Since Satori is the only likable character in Double Dragon, it shouldn't surprise you to hear that she's also the first to die. Oh, PS - Billy's the one holding the other half of that finagled magic amulet. He doesn't know about its origins or powers yet, but wears the thing anyway since it looks so expensive and celestial. After getting disqualified from a competition over Billy's immature antics, (he nuggied one of their opponents) the trio of virtue gets in their car to head home. Unfortunately, it's night time, past the city's curfew, and the gangs are waiting in the wings.
That's Abobo up above, one of the classic characters from the video game, and certainly my personal favorite. One of the gang leaders, Abobo is a roided-up freak who collects 'tolls' from any civilians caught outside after dark, in exchange for letting them live. Fair trade, but the boys can't come up with the 50 bucks. Things get rowdy, and our pals make a narrow escape before the biker dudes can bite their nuts off. I'll give Double Dragon this -- the settings were pretty phenomenal. Think Escape From New York, only with more reasons to throw shoes at the television.
Anyway, those of you who've played the video games might be a little confused. That doesn't really look like Abobo, who typically broke through walls entrenched in grotesque, oversized muscles and hot pants. No worries, they're just about to take care of that. See, Kogo controls the gangs, and he doesn't appreciate failure. After learning that Abobo blew their shot at collecting the amulet's other half, he decides to use the poor guy in a bold experiment - one that will grant him superhuman strength and an appearance that makes children cry. The payoff is impressive, but let's meet the movie's other star character first...
Alyssa Milano plays 'Marian,' chief of the Power Corps team. The Power Corps are a bunch of outcasts in clown suits who refuse to let the city be taken over by gangs, even fighting off the police in their efforts to end the insanity. They're heroes, but heroes who constantly break the law and listen to loud, bad music. Marian offers the Corps' help to Jimmy and Billy, but the boys opt to take care of business by themselves. Billy, of course, decides that Marian will be his subversive love interest for the rest of the flick, even though it doesn't really go anywhere. Unless you count the seventeen scenes where the brothers 'comically' argue over who should have the better view of her ass while she's bent over. Yep, Double Dragon is awesome.
Eventually, Kogo and his cronies catch up to the brothers, and lots of karate chops are thrown. This all happens in a warehouse, but I can't remember who the warehouse belonged to. I think it's because I was reading a the nutritional label on a can of Snapple at the time, but I wouldn't rule out of the possibility of them just not explaining it. Just when Billy and Jimmy seem to have the upper hand, an old friend shows up with bad intentions...
It's ABOBO! AGAIN! BIGGER! PUFFIER! SLIMY! GROWL! Now, the guy does grow on you as the film progresses, but your first impression won't a be good one. Abobo was the coolest character in the game - a no-bullshit, all ass-kicking machine of terror. Now he's just a fat guy who snarls and farts, with big giant neck muscles that look like big giant tumors. It looks positively nothing like Abobo, either, from any of the Double Dragon games I've seen. Actually, he looks a lot like Belial from the classic Basket Case horror series, only with legs. While much more powerful than before, Abobo's intelligence hasn't improved any. The Twin Fire Suns of Ninja Mastery and Teen Beat Pin-Uppability take him down with relative ease, tricking the creature into running headfirst off a platform. Abobo isn't happy about any of this, and who could blame him?
Things take a turn for the worse when Kogo Moko Woko sets a trap for the heroes, ultimately leading to Satori blowing up along with the booby-trapped warehouse. The boys make it out safely, but weren't able to save their friend. This is unfortunate, mostly because it leads to extended montages of Scott Wolf trying to look mournful and pensive as he reflects on the loss of his lovely Lotus. The boys argue over what to do next - without Satori's guidance, they'll never have four-colored Shao Mai for dinner again.
After this, loads of other shit I don't feel like recapping occurs - the most important point is Kogo's complete takeover of the gangs, who have now decided to break their promise by attack civilians in broad daylight. They eventually catch up to Billy and Jimmy, who engage in combat with the villains in a rather impressive sequence before faking death in a boat explosion and escaping capture. The amulet is still safe from Kogo, but for how long? That's not rhetorical. I really want you to guess how long.
While the boys ponder the mysteries of the universe, Abobo is being held prisoner by the heroic Peace Corps. Marian, in charge of getting information from the beast, persuades him to give up the goods by force-feeding him tons and tons of spinach. This is so much worse than you could ever imagine - from Alyssa's acting to Abobo's gas to the fact that he's been fitted with a lobster bib, it's both the most vile and most wonderful thing I think I've ever seen. Interested parties take note: I've created a video clip of this scene, which follows the review. That oughta hold ya.
Make no mistake, all of Double Dragon's best scenes involve Abobo. It's just totally surreal - you had no reason to expect that you'd be seeing a mutated ape man getting sick on a spinach overload when you rented the tape, but there it is and here we are. Abobo swears that he's told Marian everything he knows, capping off the assurance with a whole mess of broken wind. It's amazing that Alyssa was able to make such a rebound after being in this flick - it seems like the kind of movie that'd doom you to an eternity of cameo spots talking up your friends' dedication to charities whenever one of them got featured on a Lifetime Intimate Portrait. As I say to the cats whenever they try to sleep in our bed on a night that's particularly chilly and tundra-like, she's lucky she's hot.
The brothers know that they've gotta face Kogo Shuko again, because Satori's death will only be avenged by keeping the cherished amulet out of evil's hands. Problem is, they can't do it alone. After some coaxing, Billy persuades Jimmy to ask the Peace Corps for help. Then all this wacky shit happens with Shuko taking possession of Jimmy's body and forcing Billy to smack him around, and everyone's raised the pitch of their voices, so you know we're getting close to the climax battle.
Abobo, still captive, finally gets a look at himself in the mirror. Marian previously tried to explain that Shuko was a dick for forcing all that mutation stuff on him, but Abobo didn't think anything of it until right now. Once he sees his current grotesque form, the monstrous pile of biker ape flesh breaks free and screams in the same way Pee-Wee's chair did whenever someone said the magic word. Abobo decides to switch sides for revenge, telling Marian to keep all the lights on since Shuko's powers are decreased by illumination. How's that for convenient?
Also convenient: Billy's finally able to make his half of the amulet work, granting him superhuman durability. Since he can't be hurt, Shuko threatens to hang himself in Jimmy's body. It won't do a damn thing to Shuko, but will cause irrevocable damage to Billy's adopted brother. Eventually, the boys are able to trick their nemesis, but the success lasts only temporarily. Within moments, our mega villain snatches both sides of the amulet, and...well, you won't believe what happens next.
Okay, Double Dragon has managed to string us along for the past 80 minutes sheerly by the promise of a big payoff scene when that damn amulet finally came together. At the risk of using the word 'finally' five times in two paragraphs, the moment has finally arrived. You know something big is supposed to happen. In previous scenes, Shuko was able to make his eyes glow yellow before evaporating into invisibility with just one half of the amulet. Now that he's got the whole enchilada, our expectations were pretty high. So, you wanna know what happens?
HE BECOMES SURROUNDED BY SMOKE BEFORE SPLITTING INTO TWO SEPARATE BEINGS, BUT NOT REGULAR BEINGS, BLACK ALIEN MUTANT BEINGS WITH FANGS, CLOAKS, AND VERY LARGE SWORDS.
When Robert Patrick finally saw the film, I'm sure he was cursing himself for not reading the parts of the script he wasn't written to appear in. It's like finding out Gary Sinese only thought he was playing a retard before the CGI post-editing team for Forrest Gump entered the fray. Okay, it's nothing like that, but it's still a pretty stupid representation the Double Dragon Amulet's superpower. Worst of all, the heroes defeat these guys much quicker than the single Shuko. Once Jimmy and Billy grab both halves of the amulet, they hold them together in unison. Looks like it's time for more stupid superpowers.
While Shuko was able to split into two extraterrestrial swordsmen when he had the amulet, all the boys get to do is slap five and wear ugly pastel-colored costumes covered in glitter. With Shuko arrested and the cops rallying behind the Peace Corps, things are looking up for New Angeles. The movie ends with Abobo befriending the brothers and Marian, who let him drive their newly fixed car. It's no 'Rosebud' with a broken snow globe, I'll tell you that.
Overall: You know, I think I might've liked it. Unlike most of the flicks I review on the site, you could probably make it through Double Dragon even if you're not a devoted fan of shitty movies. It's not really what it's advertised to be, but it's just too offbeat to avoid. How offbeat? Check these four video clips starring Abobo for an idea...
Abobo, reformed, pals arounds with the heroes and insists on being their chaffeur. THIS is how they end the movie, folks.(.wmv, 1.4 MB)
I guess that about wraps it up. I'm gonna give Double Dragon an '8,' for the virtues of being so utterly and unrelentingly odd. The action scenes ain't bad, either. The acting is atrocious, but I think I would've been disappointed if it wasn't. I mean, you take Alyssa and Scott and Abobo and you throw 'em in a room - the last thing you want to see is any real attempt at ingenuity or a great performance. You want crap - you're banking on crap. And yes, you get lots of it. Hey, hey wait one second. Hold the phone. I just realized something.
It's a movie featuring Alyssa Milano using a funnel to stuff ABOBO with spinach. A MOVIE WHERE ALYSSA MILANO FEEDS ABOBO SPINACH. I've now upgraded this movie's grade to a perfect '10.' For everyone in the world who never quite knows what they're looking for -- this is it. The spinach scene will literally change your lives. Giving any movie that can do that less than a '10' would be criminal. Rent it. Buy it. Now.
