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I really have no idea why Supergirl was so universally panned. The 1984 spinoff, devised after Christopher Reeve swore he was done with the Superman franchise, was received poorly by audiences and even worse by the critics. I suppose the general feeling was that Supergirl, by all accounts, was a direct sequel to the more masculine series. Assuming that, yeah, it's pretty bad. As a standalone, and not one you should ever take seriously, it's a charming, harmless flick -- you could find much worse ways to waste an afternoon.
Helen Slater took the lead role, doing about as good a job as could be expected. She isn't portrayed as some kickass, take-no-prisoners superhero -- she's more like a regular girl who just happens to come from another world complete with magical powers that let her do everything from steel-bending to rapid hair color changes. The rest of the cast is familiar enough: Mia Farrow plays Supergirl's mother for a brief scene, and Faye Dunaway is our main villain -- a witchy Earth chick named "Selena," obsessed with world domination. Chuckles, laughs, shits and giggles. It's a fairly basic story, easily digested by the younger audiences and certainly more in tune with female moviegoers than the Clark Kent versions. Where did it go wrong?
Well, it's cheesy. Very, very cheesy. Too cheesy for anyone who doesn't love cheesy to really enjoy. Supergirl failed to recoup even half of its budget in the States, garnering a meager 15 million dollar bank at the box office. (as a comparison, 1983's Superman III raked in 60 million) Now, no one should've expected Helen Slater to truly compete with Reeve's successes, but even so, the movie wouldn't have been considered such a failure if they trimmed that massive budget a bit. The opening credits alone cost 'em a million to put together -- they literally run off the whole cast and crew with spinning "silver metal" text, and there's a number of other big money scenes that feel more impulsive than necessary. There's a stupid sequence where a monstrous tractor terrorizes the town, and they spent over twenty days filming that junk. Of Supergirl's 35,000,000 dollar budget, I'd say ten million could've been trimmed. Because, you know, I studied and researched that statement extensively.
Let's forget about the financial failures for a few minutes and actually look at what the movie provided: good clean fun and Helen Slater in panties. Here's my full review, and regardless of what comes out of my keyboard as I drink forty cups of coffee grinds to get through it, I firmly recommend Supergirl to anyone who can forgive a few plot oversights and some embarrassing dialogue. The Slater/panties thing negates all that anyway...
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We kick things off in "Argo City," a palatial paradise and a sort of "New Krypton," since, you know, "Old Krypton" blew up and stuff. Supergirl is only Supergirl on Earth -- here she's "Kara," a wide-eyed young artist who's allowed to attend classes in her jammies. Argo City rocks. Zaltar, the city's founder, temporarily "borrowed" the civilization's power source, the "Omega Hedron." Just a small, black ball with little lights shining out of it. Without the Hedron, Argo City will lose its power and everyone will run out of air. So, with the need of getting Kara to more familiar territory, the ball flies out the window and into space while in her possession. Everyone's all upset and argumentative, so Kara sneaks aboard a strange, untested space craft to track it down.
And that leads her to you-know-where...
Yes, the Omega Hedron crashes on Earth, right into the hands of Selena, an amateur black magician with massive aspirations to take over the planet and wear clothes that make her look like a giant, mutant peacock. While the Hedron served as a power source in Argo City, here's it's more like a genie lamp. Selena isn't quite sure how to make it work, but it's capable of doing pretty much anything she wants. This becomes important later, as ol' Faye has some of the most uninspired grand plans ever for such a device. Mostly, she uses it to try to woo some hot shirtless guy she saw in the street. Not kidding. Oh well -- nobody would've blamed Dunaway if she dogged it with this role, but to her credit, she really pulls Supergirl out from the muck it was destined to die in with that script. She's no Lex Luthor, but then, Lex never performed any love spells involving spiders trapped inside walnut shells. It all balances.
Kara crashes into a lake and reemerges as SUPERGIRL! The "flying effects" are actually pretty impressive. They don't look superimposed, and I couldn't spot any hang wires or whatever they're called. I read that, for some scenes, a Helen Slater-shaped cardboard cutout was used for the flight sequences. Good thing Billie Jean's so damn skinny.
Now granted, I'm not an expert on the ins-and-outs of the DC Universe, or which "conveniences" have been explained away, but...where in God's name did she get the clothes? Is that part of the superpower omelet? Even so -- fans of the Superman series won't believe some of Kara's other powers. If the Omega Hedron is a genie lamp, Supergirl is...well, three genie lamps. While scouting for the Hedron, she's accosted by two would-be sexual assaulters. In a flurry of testicle-kicking and heat rays soaring from her eyes, Supergirl establishes her moniker as the truth.
She's even got a pretty bracelet that light up whenever she's drawing close to the Hedron. I told you, this movie loves being convenient. It's everywhere you look, and here's a prime example:
Even though she's on a particularly timely mission to find her homeworld's power source before everyone she knows and loves dies, Supergirl decides to blend into the crowd by....going to college. Yep, after darkening her hair and tacking on some less revealing clothes, "Linda Lee" just waltzes into the admissions office, fakes a letter of recommendation from cousin Clark Kent, and viola! She's a student! Nobody ever asks her for the normal fees involved with attending college, much less any sort of identification or past diplomas. They even gave her room and board in the dorms! What kind of college is this?
You might be wondering what college has to do with retrieving the Omega Hedron. I'm wondering the same thing. Unless the place is offering classes on locating Omega Hedrons, Super/Kara/Linda is really picking the wrong occasion to bide her time.
Getting back to Supergirl's emphasis on The Big C, guess who she's shacked up with at the dorm? Lucy Lane -- Lois Lane's sister. The girls pretend they've been friends for years sheerly through association, and Kara gets all misty-eyed at the sight of her new roomie's statue of Superman. By the way, they actually explain Supes' absence from the movie. He's allegedly in a far-off galaxy on a peace mission. After seeing Superman IV, I'd suggest that he should've stuck with that mission for a few years longer.
Oh, know who else is in the flick? Jimmy Olsen, famed "Daily Planet" photographer, still played Marc McClure. Portraying Lucy's visiting love interest, Jimmy's role is nominal at best. A buncha minutes were cut for the video release, so I assume he had a few more scenes in the full version. The interesting part? Counting all of the Superbrand movies, Marc McClure is more prolific than Christopher Reeve himself. Something seems wrong with that, but this sorta thing happens more often than you'd think. Warwick Davis was in more Star Wars movies than Harrison Ford or Mark Hamill, and that guy can't even reach Mark McClure's wallet to find out which of them is worth more money.
Meanwhile, Selena tricks some guy into drinking Love Potion #9. He's named Ethan, and the evil witch wants him to be her prince. I think it's at this point that most of the audience decided to hate Supergirl. The love potion/Ethan stuff actually becomes a major point in the film, so if you were hoping for more than a sappy romance story from a Superman spin-off, you're probably a small part of the reason Helen Slater can only find work doing cartoon voice-overs these days. Well, not entirely true, but she never quite realized that obvious inner star she had going for her. If you ask me, the girl never made Hollywood's A-list because of that name. "Helen." Sounds way too much like "Hellman's," If you hate mayonnaise, you're not going to let yourself oogle and schanoogle over Helen Slater. Fair is fair.
Where was I? Oh yeah, the sex slave. Ethan manages to escape after drinking the potion, and since it doesn't kick in until he gazes into a woman's eyes, he's not showing much interest in Selena's groin area. The femme fatale is none too pleasant, partly because of that and partly because she's wearing the same attire as pro-wrestling luminary and heavy smoker, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.
So Ethan, all drugged up from a potion that was -- I swear -- slipped into a can of Schlitz, wanders the busily trafficked streets in a daze, tinking on the brinking of a terrible death-by-car incident. Linda (Kara/Supergirl for those who lost track) wants to go save him, but damn fool Jimmy Olsen insists that he's an armed drug addict unworthy of the effort. Seriously, that's how he puts it.
Selena, meanwhile, misses her fated puddy servant. After gazing into a "magic mirror," she locates Ethan and performs a new spell. A really, really awesome new spell. This time, she's used the Omega Hedron to bring a big tractor to life, which prowls through the streets leaving a trail of destruction on the Hunt For Ethan. Eventually, it captures him. If you're curious: yes, the driverless tractor did this in broad daylight. Everyone saw it, and while scared, they kinda just decided to ignore the fact that the thing took off with a helpless guy trapped inside. Jimmy must've been peddling that "Ethan's a drug addict" theory all over town. Sanctimonious little pissant.
Salvation is found in the form of Supergirl, who rescues Ethan right before the tractor delivered him to evil. She reverts back to the Linda guise, and yep, that's the first woman Ethan sees when he comes to. He's in looooooove, my friends, L-O-V-E, the big "L," the cupid arrow! That's great for him and all, but the rest of us have to suffer through from some pretty awful dialogue.
Ethan: I LOVE YOU.
Linda: Are you out of your mind? We just met!
Ethan: BUT I LOVE YOU.
Linda: But are you out of your mind? But we just met!
As the scene drags on and on, we quickly realize that Stupid Ethan is actually meant to be one of the primary characters. He's in this for keeps, so get used to him. Linda shows enough of an interest in the loon to suggest a slight reciprocation of feelings, but she's way too old-fashioned to believe it's "love." Because, and I quote, "...but you just met me and we just met!" Linda attempts to make a break for it, but Ethan is already navigating his tongue around the inside of her head...
Selena is PISSED. She doesn't solve the world's easiest puzzle by figuring out Supergirl's second identity yet, but after seeing Linda kiss her intended, she does one of those Interview With The Vampire "burning Dunst" screams before casting another awful spell. This time, Linda's attacked at night by a "demon storm," or something like that. Just looked windy from where I'm sitting, but at least it gave ol' Superwomyn the chance to snap lampposts out the ground for quick and dirty Ben Franklin experiments...
See? I'm not sure what she's doing, but she looks cool doing it.
Finally, Supergirl and Selena have their first true showdown. It happens at the carnival Selena lives at. Yes, she lives at a carnival -- in the haunted house amusement ride. Decorated with rubber spiders and fake webs. Just like any real witch's house.
After realizing that our heroine has a genuine interest in Ethan, Selena teleports him into the middle of an angry bunch of supernatural bumper cars. She escapes while Supergirl takes care of that, so we're left without a decisive winner in this extremely odd war of wits and magic. I'm not complaining, because it led to what's gotta be the greatest sight a person could ever hope to see in on film...
Supergirl, starring Helen Slater and Faye Dunaway. Directed by Jeannot Szwarc. Screenplay by Pee-Wee Herman.
Despite Kara's best efforts, Selena manages to capture Ethan. She forces more of that love potion on him, so now he's all up in her crotch. This marks the end of the film's "playful" battling -- now it's serious business. Selena's spent much of the movie trying to figure out the secrets of the Omega Hedron, and it seems as though she's finally done it. (it's evidenced by the more raspy tone of her voice) Instantly, her evil dreams are realized and things don't look good for the flick's law-abiding folk...
If you're wondering what the extent of Jimmy Olsen's role was, well, he's the guy who first noticed the giant mountain fortress that appeared in the town streets. Good work, Jimmy. Yes, that's Selena's new headquarters, and with the aid of her legion of uniformed devil troops, she strolls around in a big fancy car picking out things to destroy. Well, at least the critical weight of Supergirl doesn't lie on the shoulders of whom Ethan will end up fucking anymore. Now we're onto something...
Before we move into the really dark territory, I'd just like to point out something I noticed. Selena's seconded by a less ambitious witch named "Bianca," who's more or less the equivalent of a robot following Selena around, holding up "You Go Girl!" signs at random intervals. She's actually one of the film's most likable characters, and I couldn't shake the feeling that I've seen her before. After a while, I got it: it's Dorothy Sborsnak's sister-in-law, the one who married her transvestite brother. I watched Supergirl in the company of others, so as you could imagine, I kept this little epiphany to myself.
If you thought Selena's new complex in the hills and collection of luxury cars was bad, get a load of this. She's figured out a way to send Supergirl into -- and I stress the need to cue the Tales From The Crypt theme right this second -- THE PHANTOM ZONE. Yes, the same PHANTOM ZONE you saw Hell's skating team trapped inside in Superman II. It's back! Hey, if they couldn't land Reeve, I'd say that the Phantom Zone is the next best thing. Plus, it's not like they had to extend the Phantom Zone any bonus checks out of sheer seniority like they probably had to do with Jimmy.
While I liked the movie, I have to admit that it seems to go on a bit too long. Like this review. By the time they hit the Phantom Zone stuff, it feels like hour eighteen. It's a cute flick, but 140+ minutes of "cute" is, by all rights, too much cute. Besides, the ending isn't exactly "in doubt" here -- did anyone really think Kara would fail and let Argo City implode? There wouldn't be anything super about that. Fortunately, our entry into the Phantom Zone only feels like the start of another five hour chapter -- we're actually getting close to the final moments.
Remember Zaltar? The artist/teacher/civilization founder from the beginning of the movie? Well, after removing the Omega Hedron from its safety chamber and allowing Kara to handle powers she wasn't quite ready for, the old fool banished himself to the Phantom Zone. After Kara arrives, her "super" title is questioned as she immediately falls into a big pit of alien tar. Zaltar saves her, and they discuss the possibility of escaping. Zaltar believes it's impossible; Kara believes it's possible. See those last eight words? That's like 40 minutes of Supergirl condensed. This is the film you pick when your executioner lets you watch one more movie before chopping your head off. The day will never come.
After much coaxing, Zaltar confesses that there might be one tiny chance of escaping the Phantom Zone, but they'll be risking death by trying it. Kara thinks it's worth the risk, so...
She escapes! Zaltar sacrifices himself in the process, but whaddya gonna do, you know? Shit happens. Kara doesn't have time to grieve, and if we're being honest, she doesn't give off the impression that this whole "Zaltar dying" thing really had much of an effect on her at all. The opening scene kinda made it look like the guy was one of those teachers who liked to "caress the shoulders" of his students, so maybe she's got a reason for the icy reaction. Or maybe she's just happy because all of that disgusting tar magically disappeared from her super costume.
After flying back to Earth, Supergirl confronts Selena for the last time. The witch summons a demon to take care of Kara, but our pride and joy summons her inner strength to turn the tables and make the demon eat Selena. If anyone could've predicted the eventual reach of the Internet in those years, I'm positive Faye Dunaway would've passed on this role to avoid screencaps like the one shown above. Anyway, Supergirl wins, Supergirl wins. Time for the extended goodbyes and the kiss that seals the deal...
Ethan and Kara express their love before parting, and Ethan reveals that he knows her true identity. They play it off like this is a big thing, which I couldn't really understand since he revealed the exact same thing after Supergirl carried him in that big bumper car an hour prior. I guess some guys would be proud about being able to recognize their girlfriends in different wigs. The couple makes an amicable split, not because of any lost feelings or anything -- it's just hard for two people to maintain the romance when they're at different corners of the known universe. It also makes it a lot harder to continue proving your love after the initial fuzziness wears thin. While courting Lois, didn't Superman make himself sit in an ice cube for seventeen hours or some shit? Kara and Ethan are young, and there's other fish in the sea.
Oh, Jimmy and Lucy hook up, too. Considering their combined total screen time of six minutes, we're not given much of a reason to care.
Supergirl returns home with the Omega Hedron, succeeding in both saving her civilization and attaining her college degree in the span of a week. That's how she got the name, folks.
Overall: It's dumb, but oh so likable. If you're interested, Supergirl had a very impressive DVD release with an ungodly amount of extras and special features, including some cut scenes featuring secondary characters eating pizza and reading newspapers. It's a much different vibe from the Superman movies, which wasn't much of a problem for me because I was never a huge fan of those, anyway. (nothing personal, the craze just skipped over me for some reason) If you don't expect much, you won't be disappointed.
Supergirl was intended to jump-start a new franchise in the absence of Christopher Reeve, but the poor box office showing halted those plans in a hurry. Didn't matter much in the end, as despite his promises, Reeve returned to the red cape for Superman IV -- a movie ten times worse than anyone could've claimed Supergirl was. Helen Slater was on the rise up to this point, but she never really rebounded from the flop. Dorothy's sister-in-law seemed to land far fewer roles afterwards, too. Guess the "Superman Curse" doesn't stop at the cock.
RETURN TO X-E!
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