Who doesn't love Oreo cookies? Who?! For the past 4,000 years, the world has enjoyed Nabisco's bombastic mixture of chocolate frisbees and luscious creme, and even in today's health conscious society, there's few who aren't willing to make a fatty concession to the almighty Oreo. All that said, there's something really weird going on.
You know what the cookies are like; there's really no need to explain 'em. Most of you are probably familiar with the spinoff "Double Stuf Oreo" brand, where the creme filling is doubled for the ultimate experience in quick indulgence. For a snack that covers your teeth in brown cookie debris and pushes your waistline to the very ends of good taste, Nabisco's always had phenomenal sales with the things. Maybe a little too phenomenal. Maybe way too phenomenal. I noticed something building and building at the grocery stores, and though the process seemed rather scattershot at first, it all came together recently with an alarming truth: Oreos: they've taken over.
Yes, Oreos are now available in 62,000 different varieties, ranging from slight formula changes to mass overhauls. They're everywhere, attacking like the universe's tastiest plague, ready to tease and torment your throat with a full gamut of flavored sugarclay and circular artery-cloggers. You can't escape. Don't bother trying. Don't even consider it. Nabisco's bigger than all of us, and there's now more varieties of Oreo cookies that there are people who've ever lived or who will ever live. That's a lot -- but if you like Oreos, start celebrating. They're at every turn, in every corner, in every flavor, on every mind, in every dream, cookie to thine own carb. I'm not sure what that last part meant, but does it really matter? Words carry no worth in a world run by Oreo cookies. Now and forever more, we think, breathe, sleep and decide by the powers of our previously overlooked taste buds. Forget about everything else -- from now on, you do it all for the cookie.
Today, we take a look at some of Nabisco's new Oreo varieties. Not all of them, mind you, because I can't in good conscience spend the next three years reviewing cookies. Nowhere on most of the packages does it say that these new entrees are available for a limited time, but I'd certainly bet on it. How many Oreos does the world actually need? I mean, can it really be 62,000? Is that even possible on an "argue for" level? My point is, if any of these seem interesting to you, I'd suggest hopping on the chubby bandwagon before it's too late. When large corporations go insane, it's usually fleeting. I assume someone at Nabisco will come to their senses and realize that the associative costs of putting out 62,000 versions of the same cookie don't match up with the revenue. It'll be a dark day for those who like the idea of an Oreo dynasty, but for now, let's revel in chocolate and flash our cookie-stained smiles...
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Starting with the PUN ALERT WOOOOOO creme of the crop, here's the new "Uh Oh!" Oreo cookies -- with reversed flavors and colors! The package tells the story... "We goofed! We put the chocolate taste in the creme filling!" Yeah Nabisco, we're so sure it was purely accidental. We believe it. Ya racist Krauts. There's also a call for interested parties to let 'em know if we want them to continue on making the Great White Hope of Aisle 2. If you want more mixed up Oreos, you better put some effort into those letters. I suggest starting off with a little friendly greeting, something like "Hi Nabisco guys, love your work." Then segue into a joke...you know, so they realize you're funny. "What'd the Oreo cookie say to the Chips Ahoy cookie? YOU'VE GOT ACNE!!!" After that, they'll be in the palm of your hand. No request will go unanswered. You want 'em to keep on keepin' on with "Uh Oh!" Oreos? Make the cookie pimple joke.
They're attention grabbers, I'll give them that. Actually, I had to run to three different grocery stores to find these -- and considering that the remaining Oreo varieties were found in bulk at every store, I assume that these are the sales leaders. Kinda reminiscent of those old "Giggles" cookies from the 80s, only these don't have smiley faces or an accompanying commercial featuring small children laughing to death. But whatever, that campaign's already been done. Let's take a closer look...
Well, there's an interesting phenomenon at work up above, but I'm not sure you'll want to hear about it. Okay, the whole "twisting" process with Oreos has long been a cherishable thing, affording you a bevy of unmarred creme to scrape off with your unmarred teeth. When performed correctly, 99% of the creme will remain perfectly shaped on one of the two cookies. So, what happens to that other 1%?
The other 1%? That's the edible epilogue. After you've eaten the creme glob, you're left with this scattered 1% to quench any lingering thirsts before moving on to the next Oreo. With the regular black-cookie versions, the final 1% of white creme stains the second black disc with an unmatched artistic flare of the most palatable kind. With "Uh Oh!" Oreos, it looks like shitstain skid marks. The whole beauty of the edible epilogue has been ruined. "Uh oh!" is right. Oh well, they're still fun -- after years spent with regular Oreos, it's like having a built-in "negative image" superpower vision option that only applies to Oreo cookies. The final selling point? The brown creme works great in army camo face painting sessions. With white, your only options are clown, mime and the freak from Powder. I'd much rather be Rambo.
Here's three more crazy Oreo varieties, each bearing a two-tone, two-flavor creamy middle. These cookies seem way too upscale for Nabisco -- would've been on par with Milanos if they were just a little less "Oreoey." There's a number of flavors, maybe even more than shown above. First up, "Mint & Creme." A little wave of pistachio goodness. Next, "Coffee & Creme." A little wave of the morning comfort zone. Finally, "Peanut Butter & Chocolate Creme. A little wave of -- WAIT, WAIT, LOOK AT THESE CREMES! TWO COLORS PER COOKIE! THEY REALLY ARE DOUBLE DELIGHTS! Nabisco, be my disco. Their chocolately socialitey appearance hasn't hurt the cookies in the price department -- these are actually cheaper than the normal, unmutated packages of Oreos. If your local grocery store supports the magnificent subculture of double coupons, they practically fah-wee, baby.
See how nice and perfectly aligned the different cremes look on the package? Makes you wonder what kind of super-machines Nabisco's come up with. How could that creme be SO...PERFECTLY....50/50? It can't, actually. It's a lie. A big, stinking, sweet n' crunchy lie. Take a look...
Various stages of creme eclipses are the stark reality of the whole thing, and frankly, I think it sucks. What, like Nabisco didn't know that 99% of Oreo eaters twist the shit apart before eating it? It's not like we weren't going to seethe truth. It's usually not a good idea to lie when there's an absolute chance you'll be caught. On the upside, you'll find no tastier Oreos.
The aroma of these cookies was incredible -- in the case of "Mint & Creme," merely opening up the bag filled my entire city with the engaging scent of an ice cream parlor. "Peanut Butter & Chocolate Creme?" You'll swear you're living in a peanut butter cup. I mean it, you'll really swear. I forgot to smell the other package, but assume it packed the same level of odorioty. I know, it's not really a word, but the definition is easy enough.
Nope, we're not done. Not even close. We've covered, what, three of the new varieties? There's still 59,997 to go, not including the rare "chaser" flavors only available once a month at each store. Some of them are holographic!
There's the "Chocolate Creme" Oreos, filled with you-know-what. The odd thing? It's got X-Men all over the package. I'd expect such lame promotional transgressions from the Hulk, but Wolverine? And you too, Pyro! The heel turn thing doesn't work when you're all over Nabisco cookies. Seems forced. Phony. Like those chess games between Picard and Magneto. Only with less veiled referenced to the Holocaust.
Since X2 was pretty much out of style over a month ago, the promotion seems to have arrived a bit late. Or maybe these are just leftovers? Couldn't be -- since when do Oreos sit on the shelf for that long? PEOPLE ARE CAHDICCTED, CAHDICCTED! Marvel ain't so marvelous with their timing -- one must fear for the impending release date of Doctor Octopus Go-Gurts. As for the cookies themselves, wow, they've got lots of creme. Almost Double-Stuf level creamage. There's also some mail-away offer to get a free X2 "3-D movie poster," but pish posh, all of those "3-D" things always turn out to be perfectly one-dimensional. Speaking of 1-D, at least Nabisco didn't do cross-promotions with Daredevil.
More Marvel action: here's a package of regular Oreos, with a completely irregular package. Just like EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE GROCERY STORE AND IN EVERY STORE OF EVERY TYPE, EVERYWHERE, look, the Hulk's on the package! While most of his promotions have been surface-level only, this one is pretty interesting. The gimmick? Randomly placed in a select few Hulk-brand Oreo packages is an elusive green creme Oreo. Find it, and you win ten thousand dollars. Just like that. As you can see, it's a lot tougher than it sounds. I'm sure some shady character will invariably attempt to dye the filling green and pass it off as a contest winner, but you know Nabisco...they've got eyes everywhere. Chocolate eyes.
Though, admittedly, "Find The Green! / Win Some Green!" is a pretty clever catchphrase. A little too clever. Who'd Nabisco hire for that gem? Allison Parker Armstrong Hanson? The Hulkeos won't be around for long, and they're probably no longer being produced. If you want to "Find The Green! / Win Some Green!," you better haul ass to a 24/7. Much like Hulkeos, our next variety doesn't frig with the natural formula. The cookies are still black and chocolatey, the filling is still white and whitelatey. There's just one slight change...
"Football Oreos." The cookies feature various football scenes etched into 'em. This one's not all that interesting. Conventional wisdom suggests that I shouldn't have put it on last, but whaddya gonna do? Michael Vick, the Hulk, Pyro -- Oreo provides a real mixed bag of pop icons. I really think Grant Heslov should get an Oreo for his work in Congo. Hey, they're making football Oreos, it's not such a stretch.
Well, there they are, in all of their glory. That's a lot of Oreos, but we've barely scratched the surface. In addition to what we've seen, there's also "Mini Oreos," "Chocolate Creme Mini Oreos," "Reduced Fat Oreos" (why bother?), "Fudge Covered Oreos, "Fudge Mint Covered Oreos" -- God, it's endless. I feel like those guys who had to sing the million dollar McDonald's song. They're loaded with fat, saturated fat, and 2003's own "Trans Fat," but you know, so what, they're Oreos. It's not like anyone thought they were going on a negative calorie diet when they bought the things.
Will the new varieties last? Nahhhh. Not forever. Nothing lasts forever, not even odd theme-fun Oreos. Still, regardless of the variety volume, I'm a little upset that they didn't go the full mile by bringing back the ULTIMATE Oreo -- the one people still erect shrines to, the one people still waste their birthday wishes on. The Oreo bigger than your face. The Big Stuf Oreo.
A few years short of two decades ago, Nabisco was still going insane with their Oreo brands. With the success of the regular and "Double Stuf" varieties, they soon looked for new roads to pave and new cookies to slam down our intestines. Ultimately, we got Big Stuf Oreos -- almost ten times larger than the normal kind in total mass, this was the cookie you ate when no other cookie would suffice. It was amazing -- a phenom, a majesty, a chocolate creme cookie. Time meant nothing when you were eating a Big Stuf, which was great, since unless you were really disgusting, it took about twenty minutes to completely finish a single specimen. Each Big Stuf Oreo came in its own package, mostly advertised as an after-lunch school snack for widdle wids. I have no idea why they're not still around. You'd imagine that most children would choose nothing over an Oreo of this size. Where'd It Go? / Nobody Knows! Ehhh. "Find The Green! / Win Some Green!" was more catchy. I suck.
Their disappearance might be a blessing in disguise, as Big Stuf Oreos were, obviously, incredibly bad for you. You basically agreed to gain ten pounds with eat bite, which is interesting since the cookies weighed less than half a pound each. Funny how the universe works. Seriously though, even forgetting the big giant black cookies for a second -- picture the amount of creme that's inside these things. It was insane. You could've easily iced a wedding cake with a single Big Stuf Oreo. Click here for a size comparison between Big Stuf and Small Stuf Oreos, or better yet, click here for a step-by-step look at what happens to people who eat too many of them. Good thing that's not an option anymore. Nabisco almost took down an entire generation. Again.
I don't really have a good way to close this article out, so I'll just leave you with this: the word "Oreo" might look and sound like a palindrome at that first quick glance, but don't be stupid, it's not.
RETURN TO X-E!