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Monstroid, one of the stranger "vehicle" toys from the Masters of the Universe collection, was given to me by my godmother on a birthday so far in the past I can't even prove it existed. Since it was a He-Man toy, I was going to be thrilled regardless of what was actually in the package. For whatever reason, I'd never heard of "Monstroid" before unwrapping that box, and after doing that, I kinda just sat there in what was either awestruck shock or quiet reflection, or maybe something interesting just popped up on TV. I looked towards my new Monstroid, and with tears welling in my eyes, thanked my godmother before beating her over the head with it to death because, dammit, I specifically asked for Centurions figures. Still, Monstroid was damn cool, even as a wishlist entry's understudy.
So, what was Monstroid? I'm not entirely sure. I guess he must've come with one of those mini-comics like every other MOTU toy, but forgive me, I can't remember what it said in there. From the looks of things, he's a big ol' crab. A big ol' crab with big ol' pinchers for ears. Even in a world full of talking green tigers and half-naked witches that morph into purdy birdies, Monstroid seemed to break new ground in the weirdness department.
When Mattel introduced "The Evil Horde" to the series, there was a big emphasis on making the characters as intensely unique as possible. I don't mean "unique" like Stinkor and Beast Man were unique -- the figures all had new molds, highly detailed paint jobs, wacky weapons, and origin stories that made the tale of Jesus' resurrection read like the used car classifieds. Why? Simple -- kids were losing interest. The toys weren't sparking the same kind of sales as they did in previous years, and things like the Horde came around to prove that the company was still trying. Obviously, these new figures, representing a new faction, would need a few vehicles and creatures to balance out their forces. Hordak tackled the "playset" market with a tomb that poured slime over his enemies and a castle with a hand-puppetted dragon living inside, but for a more versatile ground assault, Monstroid was his trump card.
And what a trump card! How many trumps cards have you seen that were actually huge, robot crabs that could spin their heads around, Exorcist style? If I knew the lengths of this trump card before I opened up my Monstroid, maybe Godmother Marie's life would've been spared. Today, we pay tribute. Not to Marie, but to Monstroid. They're both "M's," didn't want anyone to get confused. If you think you've seen all there was to see from the Masters of the Universe line, think again...
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The heroes are stunned, and who wouldn't be? Not even He-Man himself could've predicted a surprise battle against a giant, robot crab. Monstroid wasn't electronic, but he had the next best thing: wind-up action. This feature allowed him to accomplish several feats, the first of which being a previously inhuman "shake" that's only become more human in recent years as public awareness regarding Parkinson's Disease was heightened. The gimmick gave Monstroid the appearance as being a sort of ticking time bomb, but instead of exploding, Monstroid just spun around a lot. Suffice to say, there's no other He-Man toy remotely like this -- even the ones considered the strangest by most can't hold a candle to Monstroid's unbridled display of "holy shit, what's that thing doing?" Yeah. And.
He came unassembled, with big plastic legs flailing around in the box waiting to be fitted on. I seem to recall a rather sad trait involved with this toy -- once you got those legs on, you better have kept 'em there, because once they're off, they ain't never going back on. I'm pretty sure my father had to pester a buffalo into charging at him just to stick Monstroid's legs on, and when I made the fatal mistake of removing them, he wasn't up for any further bison-herding. The upside? Monstroid can do all of his tricks even without the legs. Just like real crabs!
There's the wind...uhh...winder-upper? Dial? I know that thing has a name, but I'm so taken with Monstroid, it's completely escaped me. Let's call it Phil. So, the little kid cranks up Phil, which, if memory serves, was about the tightest Phil in history. Seriously, you really had to have patterned your lifestyle after He-Man for a good five years to turn that thing, and while most boys pop their first forearm vein while masturbating, I got it through cranking up Monstroid. Can't tell if it's sad or successful, but in my defense, I ended up masturbating a lot later anyway. Wow, Monstroid's throwing me totally off track tonight. Maybe it has something to do with his features being better suited to sum up in 30 words instead of 1,500. I suffer for you; deal with the filler.
PS, see Monstroid's head? Good, now applaud. You know you want to. The toy seems more like a "robot pal" than a He-Man toy, which in my case nailed Monstroid a higher shelf in the bedroom than most of the other MOTU toys. The real impressive thing is just how much cash had to go into producing these. I mean, even the fabled Castle Grayskull playset was just a plastic shell. Mattel really upped the ante in those later years -- sucks that kids were already too busy moving on to notice. "Too busy moving on?" Ugh. Oh well. Most of them probably gave up after the masturbation comments anyway, Editor Bob. They're not even reading this. Look, I'll prove it: "Gregory Hines died. He's the black guy who looks like the white guy who said 'get off my train!' in Ghost." Okay Editor Bob, if nobody e-mails me about that one, nobody's reading any of this. Back to Monstroid...
Like a true hero, the crabby creature makes a b-line straight for Eternia's most secretly loathed "missionary," Man-At-Arms. Like Stone Cold says; you wanna kill a snake, you start with the ass. Monstroid's claws really did hold the figures in place -- this wasn't one of those commercials that displayed supernatural powers within the toys, so wide-eyed boys who got the thing weren't going to be disappointed. In fact, the claws grasped onto things perhaps a little too well. I can't even begin to count the number of finger bruises Monstroid gave me, partly because it's a lot, but mostly because I have this weird "counting fixation," and if I start, I'll never ever stop. It's like 99 Bottles of Beer teaming up with fence-hopping sheep against the sanctity of my soul. Monstroid hurt my fingers a lot as a kid, and just now, he almost made me count to death. The "Evil" Horde allegiance is now justified.
Remember those legs, the ones you're never to remove after putting in place? The reason is shown up above. Monstroid is one of the few toys in the MOTU like that can work its magic even if you've got both hands currently stuck down your pants. If you're playing the "bad guy," you're free to sit back, relax, and watch Monstroid assault Eternia's greatest with a sinister employment of Shaken Baby Syndrome. Notice how the rest of the heroes just stand completely still, offering no help to their spinning teammates? With camaraderie, the buck stops at giant, robot crabs. Always has, always will.
Hey, let's give Hordak some credit. The guy knew how to make a name for himself. He's entering a realm where the villains are both numerous and highly specialized, and there's a huge mountain to climb for those seeking a dubious reputation. "Giant Robot Crab?" Now there's a perfect idea -- nobody can overlook something like that, especially when the aforementioned "Giant Robot Crab" always looks like it's dancing.
As the story progresses, Monstroid's taken down virtually every hero in Eternia. He's even beat the crap out of Skeletor's troops, because he and Hordak never really liked each other. Not sure why. I'd say their grievances stemmed from sheer competition, but really, they both lost their battles 100% of the time anyway. Maybe Skeletor was jealous over Hordak's cape, or maybe Hordak was jealous because Skeletor looked more like a frightening skull and less like a mutant pig. I dunno, I've never understood it. Regardless of anything else Skel had over Hordy, he certainly didn't have a shaking crab in his arsenal. It's a bonus point for the Horde, but there's still one foe Monstroid's yet to vanquish...
Chucking Man-At-Arms across the horizon is one thing, but let's see how well Monstroid fares against He-Man. Much to the Horde's delight, they've only gotta deal with "Regular" He-Man. Not "Flying Fists" He-Man, not "Thunder Punch" He-Man, not even the dreaded "Jungle Fire Samurai Cyborg Inflatable Teleporting Magic Shoes" He-Man. Just regular He-Man. Still, a He-Man without a gimmick is still a He-Man, and Monstroid has his work cut out for him...
Not sure what's going on up there, huh? Me neither. There's a few possibilities...
-- Monstroid is the world's most placating robot crab, evidenced by his intensely formulated response to He-Man's inquiry about whether or not his ass looked fat.
-- Monstroid just then noticed the two most amazing things he'd ever seen. Unfortunately, they were on opposite sides of the battle field.
-- Monstroid recalled He-Man's track record and realized his poor chance of achieving victory; decided to just shake vigorously because no other villain ever tried to defeat He-Man that way.
-- Monstroid intentionally goes into head spams to derail any potential attention to an unsightly growth on one of his 7,276 legs.
Actually, what we're seeing is Monstroid's secret weapon. After winding him up and turning him lose, you can make his entire head spin around, lightning fast, knocking down every action figure and expensive vase in a three-foot radius. It's loud, too. Picture the sound of 1,000 fisherman reeling in fish simultaneously, and then tack on a cat getting run over 50 times in a row. Monstroid's still louder. Probably the loudest of all the He-Man toys; an interesting selling point they neglected to make reference to on the box. Anyway, there's something even better than Monstroid's strengths -- his weakness. Take a look...
Yep, breaking all sorts of kayfabe and natural law, He-Man's actually trying to hit his sword into Monstroid's off switch. Heyyyyy now. That's not supposed to come into play, is it? When getting all into the animism and suspended belief of action figure wars, aren't you supposed to neglect things like etched-on copyright notices and goddamned off buttons? Man, this Monstroid -- his battles really went outside the box. The commercial finishes up without declaring a winner, so it was up to the particular kid to decide if the Horde finally came up with something to take down Grayskull. So long as they're throwing monsters into battle with fully visible and gigantic off switches, I think I'll keep my bets on He-Man.
Unfortunately for Monstroid, he came out a bit too late to make any kind of real impact on the Masters of the Universe collection. This works in your favor, though -- he's not one of the most highly sought toys in the line, so even boxed editions still sealed rarely go for more than 30-35 bucks. The real coup? You don't need to be into He-Man's exploits to get a kick out of this thing -- whether you use Monstroid as a door-stopper or as the world's strangest egg timer for rounds of Yahtzee, he's a guaranteed conversational ice breaker, and if the gypsies are to be believed, an incredible good luck charm. Check the commercial link down below to see him in action for yourself...
RETURN TO X-E!
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