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Well, he's done it again, and if fan reaction to Freddy Vs. Jason is any indication, Mr. Krueger will be haunting our dreams for decades to come. Over the years, there's been plenty of Freddy-inspired merchandise, ranging from typical action figures and Halloween costumes to what we're going to look at today: the not-so-typical. I researched the seedier side of Elm Street's cross-promotions and found some truly strange offerings, even by Freddy's standards.
Basically, it went like this: the "real" Freddy, the one you saw in the first few installments of the series -- that's the one people love, but he wasn't as much of a merchandising commodity until those less regarded later sequels, where Krueger skimped on the devil moves and opted to go about his murderous rampage like a standup comic with a bad habit. I know many fans who hated Freddy's transition from bloodthirsty monster to laughthirsty pop icon, and while I agree, Freddy would've never achieved his massive status without the addition of underworld wit and a few well-placed winks. For the ends of attaining what we're about to see, I'd say it's a fair trade. Well, almost.
Here's three of the best of the worst of the best of the Freddy toys, in order of decreasing intrigue, not unlike the sequels. If you thought Freddy was cool before...well, hold that thought.
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Made by Entertech in 1989, the "Freddy Fright Squirter" is probably the greatest thing in the entire history of things. If you ask me, water guns went out of style long ago. You're not "fooling" anyone. Nobody thinks they're "real" guns. What we need is a new water gun -- a device that nobody would predict being spat at by. How about a latex rubber Freddy Krueger head? Even if you miss your target, you just made a Freddy Krueger head spit water at someone. It's a victory in itself.
This beast arrived alongside the debut of Nightmare on Elm Street Part V: Dream Child, where the horror king finally made the total transition from slasher to schlocker. This is evidenced by the Fright Squirter's peculiar smile, and the package's insistence that kids as young as four-years-old should shove their fists inside hollowed out Freddy Krueger heads. See for yourself...
Unless that toy head comes alive and eats the kid, revealing this to be just another of Freddy's misleadingly cheerful nightmare sequences, something just doesn't seem right with that picture. Admittedly, I'm torn as to whether what's "not right" actually has anything to do with Freddy or not -- might just be the kid's shirt. I guess they were trying to illustrate that any regular child -- not necessarily one in tune with the dark side -- would get a big kick out of shoving their hands up the gruesome Freddy Fright Squirter. Either that, or the commercial's set director was too busy making sure the background was perfectly sky blue to notice the cast's hideous clothes.
Okay, sure, I don't know if the "set director" is really the one who'd handle such things. Even if not, name me a better way to climb up the corporate ladder? A golden opportunity to save the packaging's needed motif by suggesting a shirt less lemony? Set director, it's time to take initiative. Like the novelty coffee cups say, Carpe Diem.
Isn't he amazing? Seriously, forget about the whole "squirting" feature, that's just about the best looking replica of Freddy Krueger's head you'll ever find. It's a bit smaller than the real one, but if an intense study of Freddy's stature from sequel to sequel is any indication, Robert Englund is rapidly shrinking anyway. Speaking of Englund, did anyone catch that "Making of Freddy Versus Jason" special on the E! network? Englund hosted it, and while they fed him some pretty cheesy lines, he came off as one of the perfect b-level icon celebs. Like Bruce Campbell, Englund always seems to "talk up" and cherish his noted role, instead of using it as a constant platform to say something like, "Hopefully, Hollywood will see that I have much more to offer than this one character. I am the prancing prince of Cwoo-shallega. It's a planet, I'm huge there. Kinda like how that Love Hewitt girl can only sell her albums to the Japanese." It's much easier to be a fan of someone's work when they're a fan of their work.
Something tells me that Englund must've loved the Freddy Fright Squirter. The toy's "skin" feels exactly as it should, minus the gooey blood trails. The eyes have been hauntingly painted -- they follow you all around the room, gathering more and more of your attention until you've completely forgotten about that obvious squirt hole standing out in the middle of the toy's mouth. Let the slaughter commence.
Hey wow, what a picture, huh? That's the inside of Freddy's head -- a hidden spout on his fedora connects a water tube to an also-hidden squeeze bulb, and as you're puppeteering Freddy, nobody will suspect the truth of what's going on inside his face. Squirt away. According to the box, the thing is capable of shooting water for over a full ten feet. I've yet to test that claim, but Entertech would never lie. We're also told that the Squirter is "frightfully easy to fill," only they capitalize "frightfully," I guess because Freddy told them to. Blaahahshasaasoaoiew. This strange toy managed to capture the likeness of Freddy Krueger better than most of Elm Street novelties I've seen, so in terms of sheer realism, we've got nowhere to go but down. Or, as in the case of this next entry, way down...
It's the Freddy Krueger Stick-Up, which in following suit with Freddy's record of "making good" on promises to would-be victims, is completely and utterly disappointing. It's got "bootleg" written all over it, but somehow, it's an officially licensed item. This means that there's people very close to Freddy who are willing to "OK" offerings that make him look stupid. Watch with amazement as one simple little doll manages to frick up every nuance of Freddy Krueger's formula.
While the packaging makes all the proper trademark notations for New Line Cinema, it doesn't mention what company actually produced the toy. "Made in Korea" is the closest we get, so unless a typical toy factory in Korea named themselves "Made in Korea" as a sort of Facts of Life/"Over Our Heads" bout of self-parodying genius, the makers of the Freddy Krueger Stick-Up doll were just hiding in shame.
Arriving in 1988 in conjunction with Nightmare on Elm Street IV: Dream Master, even the Freddy stock pic on the card is all messed up. Looks more like he's modeling ladies' winter coats for the Sears catalog than showing off his villainy. It says that the toy isn't recommended for children under five years of age, which I can't really comprehend since any child over five years of age would've had nothing but complaints over how crappy the doll was.
"It's Horribly Authentic." Intentionally or not, at least they're telling the truth.
After researching to see if there were any I Love Lucy episodes where Fred gets burned alive and consigns himself to "dressing younger" as a kind of compensation for the skin defects, I sadly had to admit that this was actually Freddy Krueger. The clothes are just about right, save for the hat that looks more like something an old spinster would deflect sunlight with while watering her flowers. I know the head doesn't look too off in the picture, but believe me, it's like they took a plaster-cast of a walnut and painted eyes on it.
Even Freddy's famous glove is all wrong -- they've painted on one of those "half-finger" biker gloves, with the finishing touch being a few drops of silver paint in absolutely incorrect spots. Attached to the vague fedora is a looped cord with a suction cup hanging off the end, in case you felt obligated to stick what you paid for up for the world to see no matter how asinine it looked. Oh, notice that white thing Freddy's carrying around in his right hand? Another masterful point of realism...
Great, not only is it a crappy looking Freddy -- it's a crappy looking Freddy performing scenes from Hamlet. Our final treasure from Elm Street's garage sale is of a much higher quality, and is probably the pinnacle of all toys Freddy-related. I say this because it costs 40 times more than Freddy's other toys.
Ahhh, the "Maxx FX" Freddy Krueger doll, by Matchbox in 1989. When you've finished putting the doll together, it legitimately looks a lot like the real deal. Still, these Maxx FX dolls had a peculiar gimmick that kind of takes the umpfpf out of all the Freddyness. Maxx FX -- the "quick change artist and master of special effects" -- was comprised by a line of "regular" dolls with various doodads that let kids dress 'em up as different horror icons. Dracula, Frankenstein, and even the monster from Alien were other offered varieties. In effect, kids weren't playing with a Freddy Krueger doll -- they were playing with an Actor Dressed Like Freddy Krueger doll. I'd suspect that sales would've been infinitely higher had they marketed the toy as one of Freddy's victims being possessed with the slasher's spirit, but who knows, perhaps pretending to be a Hollywood makeup artist was the true daydream of the playground.
The kit includes the aforementioned "Actor" doll, and an assorted bunch of Krueger clothes and snap-on accessories. You can see where this is going...
"Make...the change...happen!" OK I DO IT.
The Ken look-a-like is dressed in a yellow shirt not unlike the one that idiot on the Fright Squirter box wore. Casual slacks and loafers round out this fashion dynasty, making "Actor Man" the perfect candidate to Freddyize. The figure is amazingly posable -- I think even his neck managed to contain 53 points of articulation. Obviously, once one of the dolls was sold and opened, it spent very little time dressed as Actor Man. Here's the assorted Krueger goods...
Let's see: sweater, pants, boots, two halves of a head, two hands, glove, and a hat. It's everything a Freddy fan could dream of!
First, you strip Actor Man down to his birthday suit. We haven't even added any bits of charred flesh or murderous weapons, and already I'm seeing a potential outcry from concerned parents. No crotch bulge, fortunately. I know most of you weren't hoping for a dick shot of a naked doll in today's article, but the picture serves well to show off the eventual Freddy's maneuverability. These Maxx FX dolls cost a bunch, but they were genuine attempts. After switching up Actor Man's pants, I added Freddy's boots. Actor Man's feet slide into 'em sorta upright, so he ends up an inch or so taller in the Freddy gear. Purdy cool. Not forty bucks worth of cool, but they're getting somewhere.
Check it out -- even the glove is true to form, snapping over an also-snapped on and completely torched hand. They went the whole mile with this thing. Damn, they neglected to add the appropriate rips to Freddy's sweater, but that's why God doesn't send kids who play with matches to Hell. As you can see, we're short one ingredient. The mask comes in two pieces, which actually snap around Actor Man's head. A friend pointed out to me that this is pretty close to how it's done in the movies, so Maxx FX wasn't bullshitting with that "master of special effects" claim. Here's the finale:
Boom, you've got Freddy. I can envision some twisted but entertaining afternoons a few kids must've spent with this thing and a few Barbie dolls stolen from their sisters. For those curious, the accessories stay on well for the most part. A scattered few will fall off every so often, but Freddy's always ripping off parts of his face in the movies. Excellent job.
This is only the tip of the iceberg -- the amount of strange Freddy merchandise that's come out over the years is ungodly. But then again, so is Freddy. As his latest cinematic adventure tops the box office chart, there's no reason to think Krueger won't be terrorizing audiences forever and ever. We've seen a lot of odd stuff so far, but maybe the best is yet to come. Oh, for those keeping score -- Jason never had his own head-shaped Fright Squirter. The battle continues.
PS, my buddy RoG also paid tribute to Freddy with this article, detailing our hero's best kills. Check it out -- he's also reviewed some of the crap shown above, because he and I have this thing where we write about the same exact stuff once a year just to spite each other.
RETURN TO X-E!
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