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hullo. i'm back. early. it is not halloween season yet. it is august. august is new month of terror. new months of terror require off-season appearances from madd matt. as you can see, i wear chains. chains are terrorable.
saw freddy versus jason. my kind of flick. if i was fighting freddy, i'd just let him tire out from clawing before eating his soul. madd matt already dead; freddy's goal murked. i come this august with a special gift. this gift is slimy like the worms who eat me. i like to think of these worms merely as the remoras to madd matt's shark. if i was one, i would be the goblin shark. ha ha ha heh heh ha ho ho ho merry christmas, alternately, ho ho ho green giant. let us begin.
masters of the universe is back. with it, a brand new slime pit. there was a slime pit during the first masters of the universe series, only that one did not come with a white mutant action figure. this one does. not only does the action figure justify the price, but my blood was drained nearly forty centuries ago by a very ancient cowboy who, in a fit of predicting fashion trends from far far far far future, even remembered to wear ten gallon hat. the ancient cowboy drained ten gallons of madd matt's blood. the real question is. why can i not fit ten gallons of blood into hollow cup of ten gallon hat? perhaps slime pit will hold the answers.
there is a sponsor advertisement in the middle of this page. it is a tribute to grover's "there's a monster at the end of this book" book. grover was the monster. ha ha hahck hahck.
Article continued below advertisement:
your days are numbered by me.
slime pit arrives unassembled. like a wall unit from ikea, or my mutiliated victims at a funeral parlor eh hahck hahck ha. luckily, the playset is packaged with familar instruction manual. antiluckily, the instruction manual is written in seven languages, several of which appear to be mere "novelty" languages from star trek. if madd matt was a star trek character, he would be chinese prisoner left for freezing snow death by warden klingons in star trek six.
it takes four minutes to assemble the unassembled. four minutes is two hundred and forty seconds. two hundred and forty is the amount of sheep madd matt counts before awakening in the sixth layer of hell. only they're not sheeps, they're bloodied mooses. white ones though.
this is the slime pit, put together. it is topped off by strange plastic snake spider scorpion hybrid. there are also stairs, because mattel feel kids able to produce sensible playtime storylines where characters walk up stairs to demonic slime pit. plastic is nontoxic, but kids must still go to hospital if they eat it. this logic is one i cannot follow. "souls" spelt backwards does not change the fact that i will soon own yours. i take page from book of satan, but shang tsung take page from book of madd matt.
remember mutant creature i mention slime pit as being accompanied by? he is in my mouth. know what else is? the plague. this monster i assume is one of he-man's foes. i assume this because box showed photos of he-man beating monster up. why am i talking like the hulk pinata?
that is the slime. you get a great big plastic thing of it. it has odd sexual consistency, but wrong color to become confused or ready to complain to toy maker mattel. with slime, you can make he-man slimy. apparently this is a selling point worth twenty dollars. plus tax. i hate tax. and the living.
i play with slime with dagger, because i forgot to make my hands white. hands not white not suited for creature of the night, especially dead one, like me, ho ho ho, green giant. okay to say "green giant" twice. "green" now have more meaning for it matches hue of he-man slime. green giant is new six degrees game. i hate tax and living and games, so must stop playing. guess we cannot connect jolly green giant to zach galligan.
evidently, i must put slime on he-man. toy pit has a trap door that opens whether you want it to or whether you do not want it to, death becomes her would be better movie if shot live and effects were not effects and actresses were really dying. i hate to go off track like that, but not as much as i hate living and tax and games.
i now notice. he-man has enviably muscular legs. legs. legs. legs.... legs. leg. leg.leg.
legs. legs. legs. legs. legs legggs leggs. leg. legss. loads of legs. tons of legggss. many many legggs.
lotsa-losta-legggs.
ade due damalla. give me the power i beg of you. leveau mercier du bois chailoitte. secoise entienne mais pois de morte.
slime is slimier than you think. impossible to control. suggest putting plastic fabric on table first. ha ha ha, hints from helloise. madd matt pun artist. also keeper of your soul.
i would lick it clean, but this sound too much like one of those games i hate. and tax and living. living as in the living, not actual "living" because i am already too dead to do that. clarity important even in the underworld.
mutant monster action figure comes with monster tiny plastic guts. guts look more like pieces from milton bradley's "mouse trap." is mouse trap evil on the inside?
yes.
yes.
yes.
jack nicholson's favorite meal was pasta with red bell pepper sauce #2.
don't worry, the butcher knife was only for these limes.
i promise.
heh hahahck hah ha ha ho harcck hahh.
RETURN TO X-E!
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