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Never heard of these "Lords of Light" toys? Don't worry, you're not alone. The impossibly short-lived line of action figures arrived in the early 80s after Mego retired their "Micronauts" toy series -- PAC Toys, ever the opportunists, bought the rights to the figure molds and...well, the rest is totally obscured in history. Not that there's many people searching for these guys today, but their incredibly rarity makes for "collectible" prices much higher than you might think. Packaged Lords of Light figures can easily fetch over a hundred a piece, and on the rare occasions when you're able to locate a loose, complete version, you won't be paying much less.
Despite their scarcity, the figures are easily noticeable to anyone who ever played with a Micronauts toy. Using the same molds, PAC Toys recolored some familiar faces and lent the line an admittedly cool gimmick. Each figure came with a glowing tube that either made their accessories or their very bodies shine with all the glory of that radioactive stick Homer throws in his opening credits. Though it's possible that no more than a few hundred kids ever owned a Lords of Light figure, those few hundred kids had to be mighty pleased with their new plaything. While Hasbro's G.I. Joe and Kenner's Star Wars collections had the pop ties to be far more successful, they couldn't hold a candle to the offbeat charm of these creatures.
Oddly enough, the in-and-out series was advertised by what has to be one of the most epic commercial spots in the history of children's programming -- it's a mere thirty seconds, but viewers saw everything from an intense, live-action sci-fi war between man and monster to shots of some ugly kid playing with toys instead of doing his homework. I could've used stills from the ad and forged a movie review on a movie that never existed, and I don't think any of you would be the wiser. That gives me an idea for future articles, but let's play it straight -- Lords of Light is a seriously uncovered bit of past toy lore, and judging from all I've seen, these boys deserve a tribute.
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That's "Lord Luna," the line's starring hero. The commercial is set in what looks to be a rented out Lazer Tag arena, only smoggier, and while this didn't make for any kind of inspirationally clear filming, at least it's different. Luna, of course, had an action figure. He was to be the protector of "Prince Futurion," a guy who looked virtually exactly like Luna, 'cept with darker hair. Don't worry, the skimps ended there. The final two hero characters (and hero figures) were "Leborio," a robot computer that looked like a cross between an ostrich and a gas pump, and "Equestrian," the heroes' "power horse." These last two characters borrowed greatly from Micronauts lore, but for those pining to see a live-action "power horse," I'm sad to report that Luna is the only hero to appear in the commercial.
I don't know who that guy is, but as you'll see later, he's a dead ringer for Luna's action figure. It's a tougher match than you think -- the figure's head rapidly approaches the aeshetical beauty of a warthog, and yet they managed to find some backwoods extra who knew how to hop that looked exactly like the thing. One could guess that the fog levels were kept so high to preclude kids from noticing how "undapper" their would-be role model was, but it's really just to mask the dark reality of the ad's villains: some are actors in costume, others are just hay-stuffed scarecrows with vague rubber masks. Either way, they're fun to look at.
If you liked Micronauts, you've gotta appreciate this. The villain characters in Lords of Light exclusively utilized the precise molds from that series, and the biggest coup is found up above: finally, we get to see what some of those Micronauts baddies would've looked like in real life. Or at least, a reasonable facsimile. The insectoid with the bright yellow eyes was named "Nepos," a retooled "Kronos" from Micronauts. Click here to check out his action figure. Regardless of this collection's short reach, you've gotta admit, that's a mighty fine little toy soldier. He even came with semi-clear, translucent wings! JUST LIKE CAH REAL BUG!
The elephantish dude with the saw was known as "Toriac," some kind of bat/monster hybrid. He looks scary enough in the commercial, but a glance at his action figure proves him to be just another would-be conqueror who was too damn skinny. I can forgive that, actually -- but there's no excuse for the Bea Arthur Hot Date Blouse. Finally, the purple guy with the alien penises hanging off his face was "Topen," the "Evil Reptilian Killer." Check out his figure -- looks like he moonlighted as a race car driver.
For whatever reason, they don't show the fourth and final villain, "Emperor Dementia." Yeah, he was the leader. You've probably noticed that all of the toys have clear parts and wield cylindrical green things -- this all becomes a major point later on, so don't forget it or I'll kill you.
There were eight characters total in the series, half of which appeared in the commercial. Decent amount, but the forces of good and evil seem a tad unbalanced. I can see Lord Luna defeating one, maybe two of these guys...but all three? He's blonde, but He-Man he ain't. Fortunately, the hero nobody looked up to had a particularly cool trick up his sleeve, or more specifically, in his underwear...
Man, if ever there was a bad time for crotch itch. Actually, Luna's grabbing at his secret weapon. Remember those green tubes? Fabulous things happen to the Lords of Light guys when they hold green tubes. Check it out...
Hey now...where have I seen that before? Oh well -- if you're going to rip off a sci-fi weapon, you might as well go with the lightsaber. Each Lords of Light figure came with the same green tube, but for different purposes -- some used them as "swords," others just shoved them into their chests and glowed their way to victory. Luna, multitalented Luna, does it both ways. Now with the power of the Schwartz on his side, those dastardly "Evilites" won't stand a chance. Actually, two of them won't stand at all -- even with the murkiness of the commercials, one can clearly deduce some of 'em as mere puppets being flung around on cords. Whether puppets or really thin guys shoved into terribly Ben Cooper-style Halloween costumes, Live Action Luna Skywalker stands prepared to beat the holy Hell out of anything that moves...
The ending is kind of anticlimactic, with the Evilites simply backing off and scurrying into the obstructing fog. This commercial had to cost a whole lot more than most kid ads; they should've taken advantage of the situation by at least making Luna chop something's head off. It's not like the Evilites were human -- it wouldn't have been any more "revolting" than one of Cobra's robots blowing up. I'm sorry, I know it really shouldn't matter to me -- it's just that I was getting so into the action there for a minute. Luna and Toriac poured their liquid entrancement pheromones into my stream of consciousness. The money shot is of Luna -- proud, Live Action Luna Skywalker -- standing face to face with the camera lens in the most unwelcome bout of close-up shooting in the entire history of film. Fortunately, the "movie" part of the commercial ends here, and the following short sequence showing some kid playing with the action figures serves to cleanse our absolutely sickened and disgusted palette.
Ah, the marble notebook. Perennial makeshift adventure playset for kids who were given toys far too infrequently. It was hard to get into the whole animism of action figure battles when the were standing on top of kitchen counters or cartoon-themed bedsheets, but marble notebooks were just "otherwordly" enough to pass the test. Kinda like a surrogate "outer space" scene -- your Lords of Light could battle amongst the stars! It doesn't pack the same punch as that Lazer Tag arena / converted poultry slaughterhouse from the previous movie sequence, but hey, it's something.
The figures were brilliantly painted, and as obsessors with the Micronauts line would guess, exquisitely crafted. Served with a luscious red on a midsummer's night with just a smidgen of goat cheese on an arugula salad, the Lords of Light figures both stimulated conversation and provided themselves as miniature night-lights for those going the extra mile by hosting dinner on the outside patio. Don't believe me? Take a look...
See? Night-lights. Little, radioactive night-lights with enough glowy power to last ten hours. Or close to it. A few hours, at least. Several hours.
I'll get to them in a minute. Every figure came with another accessory of some type, and some figures actually came with several. Micronauts' penchant for making many of the figures' limbs removable stuck through the times -- a couple of these guys could double as 2nd grade level mini-puzzles. Each also came with a small comic book, detailing the secret origins and adventurous lifestyles of these stupid characters no one cares about besides me and two readers from Utah who collect Micronauts variations. Hello guys! This is for you two!
Back to the glowing tube. As you saw in the movie, Luna uses the growing rod (not a typo, it grows and glows) as a sword. You can do that with the action figures, too, but that's not all you can do. The Lords of Light are "Izzurians," whatever that means, and apparently, "Izzurians" are immune to the effects of radioactive toxic tube juice. They can carry these things around inside their bodies...
Now the name makes sense! With figures like Luna, the feature was cool because it shone light through a seemingly solid color. Reallllll cool, ICEEEE. Better yet, some of the retooled Micronauts villains had their trademark glow-in-the-dark, rubber brains replaced with heads and bodies forged in perfectly clear plastic. Well, not perfectly clear, but real close to lucite. It made the internal glowstick shine brighter than the sun itself.
The line died quickly -- not really sure why, but PAC Toys certainly wasn't equipped financially to compete in the advertising department with the bigger companies. Plus, Lords of Light didn't even have the natural promotion associated with a cartoon show, movie, video game, comic series, book and audio tape collection, or anything else. They were just sort of "there," looking cool, but doing nothing to insist on sales. Now a legend only proven as truth by pitiful souls who review their rare advertisements decades later, the Lords of Light remain one of the best unknowns in a sea of misfit toys. In tribute, I'm going to swallow a whole ounce of crushed glass. Ho ho ho ho ho ho. HO ho ho ho ho ho. AHHHH ha ha ha ha ha.
AHHHH HA HA HA!
AH HA HA HA!
AHH HA HA HA!
RETURN TO X-E!
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