|
I haven't seen many favorable reviews of 1988's My Best Friend Is A Vampire, and I guess it is a pretty bad movie, but I still get a kick out of it. It's 80s all the way -- Blondie and Oingo Boingo are constantly heard blaring in the background, and in one bar scene, we learn that feathered pink hair and elbow tassels were still full-on hot even as late as 1988. Taking a page from flicks like The Lost Boys, here's another movie that throws vampirism into a more friendly setting. Even if you don't laugh, it's technically a comedy. There's nothing "scary" in here, aside from the fact that "Paul," the perennial silent barfly from Cheers, has an alarmingly large role. Other than that, you can watch this movie under the influence of morphine while putting together one of those 3-D puzzles and still soak in every plot point perfectly. It's just an easy, watchable flick about a kid who gets turned into a vampire. Which kid? This kid:
Robert Sean Leonard plays "Jeremy Capello," a typical high school teen (as far as 80s movies go) who likes pizza and who dreams of womensex. Leonard is kind of like yesteryear's Jesse Bradford -- had a shitload of bad movies under his belt, but the right hairdo and jawbone structure to get by just fine. To his credit, Leonard went on to maintain a fairly respectable career in movies, while most of his running mates at the time are typically seen nowadays drinking whiskey in dark alleys or talking about Wicca on a reality series. Good job, Rob!
As for the character he's playing, Jeremy seems like a likable enough guy. The movie starts off with one of his wet dreams, culminating with a nun trying to cut his balls off with a pair of lawn shears in the girls' locker room. I figured I was going to like this flick after that, and MBFIAV didn't let me down. Now that we've established Jeremy as a horny teenager, all we need is a friendly foil to encourage him into having lots of mindless, promiscuous sex. With that, here's Ralph. Ralph loves sex.
"Duuude. What you need is some good ole' boinkin and piggin' and innin' outtin'!" Despite what the movie's title suggests, Ralph isn't the film's star player. He's like 4th or 5th tier at best, and thank the good lord for that, because I've seen enough movies centered on guys in almost-mullets spreading the holy word about poon. Speaking of God, I'm pretty sure he ravaged our world with STDs just to stop Hollywood from making so many movies about teenage guys obsessed with dicking everything with a crotch hole in a thirty-mile radius. I like the ol' carousing gimmick as much as the next guy, but it just feels too dirty coming from Ralph's lips.
He serves a purpose, though. According to Ralph, Jeremy really needs to get laid. Like, he won't be a REAL PERSON until he screws some unnamed chick's head off. He doesn't put it quite like that, but I'm close. Whereas Ralph suggests finding the nearest stranger to shake and bake, Jeremy has his sights set on someone else. No, not a blonde cheerleader or the tomboy-turned-delish dish. It's the other stereotype -- nerdy girl with big lion-like heart. Heeeere's Darla Blake...
Article continued below advertisement:
Visit our sponsors to support the site!
I dunno about Darla. I'm usually so into the geeky ones, but she just didn't do it for me. I mean, on Just The Ten Of Us, the only two sisters I liked were the ugly ones who never had boyfriends and enjoyed bible study. I guess Darla's hair is just too terrible to overlook, but the damn smock isn't helping much either. Played by Cheryl Pollak, Darla supplies the fuel for the fire in Jeremy's loins. The obviously soon-to-be lovers don't hit it off immediately, though -- Darla thinks Jeremy's some kind of perverted creep, since he's always staring at her with his tongue hanging out and his eyebrows so furred he looks like an animated German commando. The lovebirds will bloom and swoon later; for now, Jeremy's gotta do a little business with another ladycrotch.
See, he's a delivery boy for the local grocer. Usually, he's running bottles of Geritol to withered old bats in the hills, but for whatever reason, some foxy gothic chick living in an abandoned mansion placed an order. Foxy Gothy Lady takes a shine to Jeremy, and in no uncertain terms, invites our hero for a little game of....well, no "games" really, she just wants to screw. Remembering Ralph's earlier urgings, Jer-Jer agrees to a late night soiree. You can guess where we're headed...
Yeah, she's a vampire. Yeah, she bites him. Since the movie's rated PG, Jeremy doesn't get to slip her the Capello, but they certainly do enough to where I'd say he was well compensated for the whole biting/vampire infection thing. Besides, it's not like they had a chance to wrap things up. Just as the new friends/steamy lovers begin forging an end to their lust, two vampire hunters bust in and kill off Foxy Gothy Woman. Jeremy, clad only in the satin sheets of SIN he almost splooged on, runs off like a horndog in the night.
Foxy Lady is dead, but that ain't important. What is important is who did the deed. Who drove that wooden stake through her sexy bosom, you ask? Folks, it's the star villain of My Best Friend Is A Vampire. You might know him best for his work as the DiCaprio-beater in Titanic, but to me, he'll always be that sad little man who sprayed carbon dioxide all over Tokka and Rahzar in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II. Yes, it's him. David Warner.
Okay, so David Warner isn't that big of a deal. He's more like this big of a deal. Warner plays "Professor Leopold McCarthy," a fanatical vampire moiderah who has spent the last twenty years hunting down and stabbing any and all creatures of the night. It'd an odd career, and people with odd careers deserve even odder henchman -- the chubby wonder to Leopold's right is none other than Cheers alumni, Paul Wilson. He plays "Grimsdyke," a hunter who still has quite a bit of learning to do. I'm telling you, it's the exact same character he played on Cheers. The only notable difference? Instead of drinking beer and saying very little, now he drives cars and says very little. It's Barfly Paul, through and through. Jeez. Out of everyone they could've picked to cast from Cheers, they take Paul? Even that old coon upstairs who had the short tryst with Carla would've been better.
After making the undead girl more dead, Leopold suspects that Jeremy must've been bitten (SPOOKY PUN) by the vampire bug. What does this mean? Duh, he's gotta kill Jeremy, too. I hope you like the sound of that, because this is your focal storyline for the next 77 minutes. I've left most of Leopold's adventures out of the review, mostly because I was way more intrigued by the ongoing love story between Jeremy and Dirrrty Darla. Intrigued might be too strong a word. So would many other similar words. I'm gonna take a pass on finding a new one.
Jeremy wakes up the next morning feeling rather strange. He's pale as a ghost, (OR A VAMPIRE!) he's got this nagging urge to eat red meat, and he totally forgot that he had a Calculus test today. Dahahaahmn. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that ol' Robby Leonard kept on with the Max Factor long after this movie, because the look works for him. Not kidding, he looks 20,000 times better with the make-up on. Take a note, kids. It's not just for Halloween and photo shoots anymore
After learning that the mansion he was having sexxx in burned down, Jeremy grows worried that someone will come after him. Maybe the cops, maybe that guy who busted in on him, or maybe, just maybe, a sasquatch. This flick would've been so much better off with a sasquatch, and I probably wouldn't have needed to spend so much time off-topic in this review. You don't skirt for filler when there's sasquatch action to describe. Then again, we got Ralph. God damned Ralph.
Darla accidentally stumbles into Jeremy at his employing deli of doom, and despite her misgivings about him being "sooooo weird," she agrees to go on a little date with the vampy. By the way, Jeremy has no idea that he's a vampire. Absolutely none. I guess he just thinks he's getting paler because it's summertime and his life always followed some strange combination of Murphy's Law and Opposite Day. Regardless, all of his worries about murders and fires and paleness magically dissipate as soon as Darla puts the OK stamp on his date request. In My Best Friend Is A Vampire, the vampire in question is positively the least concerned about vampires. That's why Jeremy is so cool -- he set his sights on nailing Darla, and not even transforming into one of the undead is gonna throw the guy off course. There's a lesson about goal achievement to be learned somewhere inside that, but I'm too into the mystery of Darla's hair to figure it out.
Hey, think they should boggle things down with a mysterious stranger? You know, some weird old man of undetermined origin and unspoken intent, who follows Jeremy around for reasons we're not yet privy to? Yeah?? Cool, here he is.
He's going to be important later, I JUST KNOW IT.
MBFIAV is pretty clean and tame for the most part, but this kinda grossed me out. Jeremy, becoming increasingly more vampiric, finds himself turning what was supposed to be a protein shake into a defrosted, raw meat shake. He even rings out the steak to get at all the juicy blood. I wasn't throwing up with disgust or anything, but it'll be a long time before I drink out of a blender that's said to have come straight from the set of this movie. Slim chances, but it's still the truth.
Okay, spooky old mystery man? You guessed it: he's a vampire. Named "Modoc," the character is played by Rene Auberjonis, and holy shit, that means he's Odo from Deep Space Nine! Odo from Deep Space Nine, in MBFIAV?! What's next, Kathy Bates? Try to remember that I said that, it'll become important later. Like when Kathy Bates shows up. Really. I think someone just walked down Hollywood Avenue, grabbed as many recognizable faces as they could find, and picked a script out of a hat full of college hopefuls' portfolios. My Best Friend Is A Vampire was just a way for some guys to entertain themselves on a cloudy Wednesday. Anyway, Modoc tries to tell Jeremy the truth while assuming a "tutor" position, but our hero won't have it. HE AIN'T A VAMPIRE! Still, he realizes that the plight of pale skin and raw meat eating warrants further inspection, so Jeremy hitches a ride with Modoc to hear him out. For the record, you can't spell "Modoc" without "Odo." Can't spell it without "doc," either. Did Rene play any doctors? Anyone??
Modoc explains the ways of vampire -- they're not what we thought! Do they turn into bats? NO, don't be silly. Do they need to drink blood? YES, but it doesn't have to be from people. Are the stylish? MAYBE, can't really say, he didn't cover that one. He hands Jeremy one of those clever guidebooks to being a vampire, (think Beetlejuice, only less witty) and insists that Jeremy not fight the natural urges associated with being a fanged night freak bitchboy. Jeremy, in his own cute little way, disagrees with everything Modoc says. It's not until later that night that the truth becomes crystal clear, or more specifically, completely invisible...
While dolling himself up for the big date with Darla, Jeremy is surprised to find that he can't see himself in the mirror. Hmm. You know, if I was him, I think I'd finally "get it" at this point. Me would equal dem der vampire. His reaction serves as justification for those who gave MBFIAV poor reviews: he just assumes the mirror is broken, and consults other mirrors in the house instead. They were "broken," too. Jeremy seems to be growing more stupid as the movie progresses, and I'm not just saying that because I needed a way to end the paragraph. Check out what goes on during his date...
Things start off normal enough. Jeremy picks Darla up at home, and wouldn't you know it, her mother was played by Kathy Bates. No joke, Kathy Bates. Long before she was anyone really important, long before she showed her tits, and long before Ruth Fisher got all huggy with her. Kathy Bates was in My Best Friend Is A Vampire. The shit's come full circle -- now let's see some date stuff.
The couple heads to the local pizza joint, because having an icebreaking pizza in the middle of the table is just the conversational piece Jeremy needs to win Darla over. He goes for a bite, (SPOOKY PUN #2) but stops short after noticing all of the garlic. Yep, the vampire bit's rearing it's ugly fangy head. So, without the ability to eat pizza in the stead of actual talking -- his original plan -- Jeremy is forced to conjure up words. Trouble folks, big huge steaming piles of it. They get on the topic of their friends, and how nobody thinks they're right for each other. This leads to Jeremy unleashing a twisted soliloquy about Ralph, so long and so insane that I'm surprised Darla didn't utilize her secret power of super-speed to run off and find someone who looked just like her to take her place so she wouldn't have to hear another second of it. And if we're being honest, I'm not fully convinced she didn't actually do that. Check it out...
"Oh my God, have you met my friend RALPH? I know he can seem like a real stinker sometimes, but seriously, he's my best friend in the whole entire world. I know he comes off like a womanizing goatface, but deep down, he's grrreeat! Just like the tiger's cereal! Ralph! Ralph Ralph Ralph! He's so much better than the Ralph from Happy Days, and even the one that did karate! I SO LOVE THE RALPH! Hey, do you mind if I talk about Ralph some more? Like for the next twenty minutes or so? I know, some people think he's a jerk. He's just misunderstood. Some people use four-letter words to describe Ralph. To those people, I'd say, 'Ralph is a five-letter word!' You know what my favorite thing about Ralph is? Oh wait, I can't pick! There's just too many things I love about Ralph!!! Ralph's my best friend."
I'm not kidding, folks. This is almost precisely the dialogue. Did they just throw this crap in so the movie's title would make more sense, or was worshipping your same-sex best friend considered "ideal date talk" back in '88? I wouldn't know; I've never had a date in my entire life. I used to carry around Polly Pocket sometimes, though. Ralph is my best friend.
Then, and as if things couldn't get any worse, Jeremy's fangs finally grow out during his first makeout session with Darling Darla. Of all the luck! He resists the urge to SUCK HER BLOOD, instead opting on the suave alternative of throwing her out of the car and speeding away at 80 miles per hour. That's exactly what I would do. Darla, obviously, is pissed off to all Hell. Still, it's at this moment that Jeremy finally admits to himself that he is a vampire. And what do vamps need? Ominous red liquid. Consulting a strange business card handed to him earlier by Modoc, Jeremy pays a visit to an all-night butcher shop. An all-night butcher shop? Only in America!!!
After ordering fourteen chickens and sixty-five cows, and yes I'm serious, Jeremy changes his order to a simple cup of pig's blood. He's all shy about it, but the friendly butcher winks at him, as if to say, "all-night butcher shops are almost always fronts for all-night vampire blood shops." It's like finding out your next door neighbor's backyard plants are for sale and capable of making reruns of "The Cosby Show" infinitely more funny. Only not as cool, cause nobody gets stoned. The only reason I'm mentioning this is because it leads to my most favorite scene in the whole movie -- Jeremy's fridge full of pig's blood...
God, I love that. Have for years. Can't really explain why. Maybe it's my neighbor's plants? In any event, you've gotta appreciate that they went the whole nine yards by creating fake can labels for "Pig Blood Lite." If you don't appreciate that, I'm so sick of you it's not even funny. Ralph is my best friend.
Once he gets his hands on the sweet nectar, Jeremy's mood vastly improves. He's much more at ease with being a vampire, in part because he'll never die, but mostly because he's afforded all of these terrific powers either involving floating upside-down or being able to successfully throw the really heavy bowling balls. After some time, he persuades Darla into giving him another chance. He's "all better now," or so he swears. Darla, realizing that the romance options for girls with shitty hair and shitty hats and glasses the size of planets are limited, reluctantly agrees to give their relationship another try. Awesome, I'm so happy about this. Just one more loose end for Jeremy to tie up before completely adjusting to this swank new lifestyle, and it's a loose end I really hate. It's the "Ralph" loose end. Ralph.
At first, Ralph doesn't want anything to do with a vampire. Even though Jeremy's been his best friend for years, Ralph can't get past the idea that, one day, Jer's just gonna sneak up and eat him. After a while, he comes to terms with it. If you're wondering what Jeremy's parents think of all this -- well, they don't know he's a vampire. Actually, they think he's gay. That's another subplot I've chosen to leave out. In retrospect, I should've put that in while excluding the boring "no reflection see?!" scene shown above. Hey wait. "No reflection see scene shown." Three times fast? Can't be done.
Fortunately, we're getting towards the end. Remember Leopold? Wacky vampire hunter? He's been chasing the boys throughout the movie, aiming stakes-on-crossbows at Jeremy and being quite vocal about his intentions of killing him. Somewhere along the way, he wrongfully deduced that RALPH was the vampire of the duo. That's bad. Ralph's not a vampire, he's just the vampire's annoying buddy. Worth killing, but definitely not worth spending lots of time hunting. It goes down like dis see:
Leopold holds Ralph at gunpoint and forces him to accompany the hunters to a church, because that's the best place to kill vampires. Oh, did I mention that one of Jeremy's earlier spells misfired, causing Cheers' Paul to fall madly in love with Ralph? I didn't? Silly me! Yeah, he loves Ralph. And Leopold loves to kill Ralph. Jeremy was too busy macking it to Darla to make the save, but once he figures out what's happened, the lovely couple heads off to protect the R-man. Then a whole buncha pointless crap involving cop cars and radio signals goes on, but I'm skipping over it because nobody drinks "Pig Blood Lite" in those scenes. You understand.
Jeremy catches Leopold just before he makes good on those death threats, and after revealing himself as the true vampire, Leopold's chase is halted by an oncoming legion of nameless vampires who hate it when one of their kind get staked through the chest. The day is saved, but that's not all! After a terrifically half-naked group of lady vampires take Leo to an unmarked grave, the villain returns with a new outlook on the situation. And two familiar marks on his neck. And tons of panache.
Leopold: Why didn't you ever say anything on Cheers?
Paul: And compete with Ratzenberger's acerbic wit?! I ain't no fool.
Leopold: Point taken. Am I a vampire now?
Paul: If it means the movie is finally over, I say we run with it.
Leopold: Didn't I kill this chick to the left of me earlier in the film?
Paul: I think so. Vampires are pretty forgiving. By the way, I totaled your car.
Leopold: No biggie.
And with that, My Best Friend Is A Vampire achieves a happy ending. Modoc bids Jeremy a fond farewell, impressed with his decision to lead a life amongst the "normals." Darla kisses him, probably because she'd just be standing there looking out of place if she didn't do something. Ralph gets a vampire chick's number, and signs a contract stating that he can never appear in another movie ever again. To date, he's only gone off the wagon once or twice, and only for movies seen exclusively in Absolutely Nowhere. The End!
Overall: It's one of those movies that can be quality-assured in the first five minutes -- if you make it that far, you'll like the rest. If you don't, well, at least you only wasted five minutes. Personally, I'm down wit it yo. It's no Lost Boys, but on the plus side, MBFIAV doesn't have any scenes featuring maggots or Corey Haim in bathtubs. As we make our way into the Halloween season, don't count this one out -- it doesn't have any of those iconic monsters or loads of gore, but the theme is spooky enough to pass the test while waiting for NBC to rerun Charlie Brown's pumpkin cartoon. 7 out of 10.
DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE WITH OTHERS!
RETURN TO X-E!
|
|
|
|
