 | |
|
Play Along Toys!
The "Marvel Mini-Mates" figures used in this article were a gift from the fine folks at Play-Along Toys. Check out their site for a great supply of toys and action figures ranging from Lords of the Rings to Care Bears. Thanks, guys! |
|
Jane: Look at these rugrats! We were supposed to be at Bob and Suzy's an hour ago! I thought you said you hired a babysitter!
Barney: I did, don't worry!
Krang: Sup, Barn?
Jane: Krang? You hired Krang?!
Barney: Why not? It takes brains to babysit. Hey buddy, what's with the new body?
Krang: I lost the old one on a cockfight wager. Think our smoke was dusted or something.
Jane: There is no way I'm letting this thing babysit our children.
Barney: Either he watches the kids, or you're gonna have to wait till next year to taste Suzy's pecan pie.
Jane: Krang, just try to make sure none of them die, okay?
Barney: Kids, I'd like you to meet your babysitter for this evening. It's my friend, Krang!
KidSpidey: HIIIIII KRANG!!!
Krang: Barney! You told me I was watching two kids, not twenty-seven!
Barney: We had more. Shit happens.
Jane: Look, I know it's a lot to handle. What if we threw in an extra 20?
Krang: I've got enough money, thanks.
Jane: What if we threw in the rights to eat every last one of our pretzels?
Krang: Sold American. What do I have to do?
Barney: Just make sure they all brush their teeth and do their homework. Try to keep them away from fire. We'll be back in just a few hours.
Jane: If you need anything, just call the number on the fridge.
Krang: You don't have a fridge, Jane.
Jane: Dammit Barney, I told you that wouldn't work.
Krang: Well, I guess I should get to know you guys. What are your names?
Hulk: I'm Hulk.
Rhino: I'm Rhino.
Hulk: I'm Hulk.
Krang: Wait, why are there two Hulks?
Hulk: Same mold, cheaper children.
Spidey: Careful with these two, Mister Krang. They're not feeling so hot.
Krang: So you're Daredevil and Elektra, huh? That arachnid boy tells me you're a little sick tonight. What's the problem?
Daredevil: I'm blind, God damn it!
Krang: I'm sorry to hear that. Elektra, are you blind too?
Electra: No.
Krang: Caught the flu?
Electra: No...
Electra: I've got cancer.
Krang: I think Elektra has you beat, Daredevil.
Daredevil: Please. At least she can watch herself die.
Spidey: MISTER KRANG!!! Venom keeps beating me up!
Krang: Hey you, in the black. Are you "Venom?"
Venom: Yehup.
Krang: Cool. You're in charge. I gotta take a leak.
Krang: Yo four-eyes, where's the john?
Doc Ock: We don't have one.
Krang: Then where do you piss?
Doc Ock: We don't.
Krang: Now that I think about it, neither do I.
Krang: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!!! What happened to Hulk?!
Venom: I got bored.
Krang: No, don't say that. Say "he got out of line."
Venom: "He got out of line."
Krang: Okay, I understand.
Doc Ock: Why'd you put Venom in charge? He's the worst one out of all of us.
Krang: No he's not -- what about that blind boy? Or the bald chick?
Doc Ock: Babysitters shouldn't play favoritism. When Mom and Dad come home, I'm telling.
Krang: What makes you so sure they're coming home?
Doc Ock: I'm really a woman, you know.
Krang: Oooh, there's a shock.
Ooof!!!
Krang: Say, there's something different about you two.
Rhino: Yeah, we traded scalps.
Krang: Is that normal for you guys? Is it safe?
Rhino: Not really.
Krang: Keep it up.
Krang: Venom, why did you put Spider-Man in a jar?
Venom: "He got out of line."
Krang: You're a quick learner. Is he able to breathe in there?
Venom: No.
Krang: Don't say "no," say "yes." Is he able to breathe in there?
Venom: "Yes."
Krang: Okay, I understand.
Krang: Hey wait a second, why'd you put the sick girl in a jar too?
Venom: Seemed erotic.
Krang: You know, you're right. Plus, at least the other kids won't get sick now.
Krang: Oh Christ, look at this place! Barney and Jane are going to kill me! There's mangled bodies, kids in jars, scalp traders -- and hey, wait a second...where's Daredevil?
Venom: "He got out of line."
Jane: What the fuck have you done?!! This place is a wreck! And some of my kids are dead!
Barney: Krang, man, this isn't cool. We left you with a responsibility, and you let us down.
Krang: Yeah, but I didn't take advantage of your pretzel offer.
Barney: Really??? See Jane? Told you he'd work out.
Jane: You're both in so much trouble! Trouble so much! Troubles my ease what that's do you!
Jane: Look, Krang, I'm going to have to report you to the police. This isn't just negligence -- it's practically manslaughter!
Krang: Oh yeah, call the cops. "Hello officer, I left this alien brain in charge of my twenty-seven children. Things got out of hand and I want him arrested!" Be my guest.
Barney: Now now, everyone, hold up. I think I have a solution. Krang, if you'll excuse me and Jane for a moment?
Krang: Sure. Slip her the tongue for me.
Barney: Sssswwwhssh. Shhsssssswwwwissshhhhiiisss.
Jane: What are you doing?
Barney: Generic whispering. Understand?
LATER:
Venom: So they said they'd let you off the hook so long as you adopted me? That's great!
Krang: Tell me about it. They even let me eat the pretzels after all.
Venom: So you're like my new daddy now? Cool shit. What do you wanna do first?
Krang: Let's kill Old Daddy and fuck his wife.
THE END!
DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE WITH OTHERS!
RETURN TO X-E!
|
|
|
|
