Amstel: Jesus Christ, look at this place! We've got way too much stuff.
Orion: "We've?" Most of that crap is yours. All I have are some clothes and art supplies.
Amstel: ...and perfectly stereotypical eyes.
Orion: I feel like sushi tonight, like sushi tonight!
Orion: Do you really think this is necessary? Can't we just shove everything into the closet like normal people?
Amstel: No! We have to catalog everything. It's the only way we're gonna restore order to this place. You carry all of our junk in a piece at a time, and if we want to keep it, I'll write down what and where it is before we store it away.
Orion: Errrrgh. Why are we doing this again?
Amstel: I needed to do something with this notebook, right?
Orion: Okay, here's some dinosaur poster. Didn't you get this at the museum last year?
Amstel: They were all out of geodes and those little soaps with the plastic lizards inside.
Orion: Well, are we keeping this?
Amstel:Check! I've got too many fond memories attached to that thing.
Orion: This "thing" is covered in beer and piss stains, Amstel.
Amstel: Check, check.
Amstel: What in God's name is that?
Orion: You have the worst memory, I swear. You really don't remember buying this? It's a life-sized statue of "Klaatu," one of Jabba the Hutt's guardsmen from "Return of the Jedi."
Amstel: How much did I pay for it?
Orion: A lot.
Amstel: Eh, throw it away. We don't have room for it.
Orion: Thank God.
Amstel: Oh man...another one?
Orion: This is "Weequay." Yep, another one of Jabba's guards. I like his haircut.
Amstel: Nope. No room. Throw it in the dumpster.
Orion: But this one is alive!
Amstel:Dumpster.
Weequay: h e l p m e . . .
Amstel:Dumpster.
Orion: Here's that old copy of "USA Today" you saved. The one with the glaring typo.
Amstel: "Cubs Sin!"
Orion: That's the one. It's even better 'cause the players look so uncharacteristically demonic in the picture underneath.
Amstel:Check. I totally forgot I had that.
Orion: So where are we at so far?
Amstel: Uhm, we saved a dinosaur poster and a newspaper, and threw away two 5,000 dollar "Star Wars" statues.
Orion: I know we're doing the right thing.
Amstel: What's this?! Why do we have a giant can of Spaghettios?
Orion: This isn't Spaghettios. It's Chef Boyardee "Fettuccine."
Amstel: They still make that?!
Orion: I don't think so...
Orion: Check it out -- this can has to be at least 10 years old. Maybe 20.
Amstel: Holy mother of sweet God lord Mary...it's beautiful!
Orion: Beautiful?! It's a can of rancid pasta! Please tell me we're throwing this away.
Amstel: Come on, let's not be hasty. Maybe we can find a use for it?
Orion: IT'S A TEN-YEAR-OLD CAN OF FETTUCCINE, AMSTEL. THERE ARE NO USES FOR TEN-YEAR-OLD CANS OF FETTUCCINE.
Amstel: Maybe you're right, but maybe you're not.
Orion: We're throwing this away, I don't care what you say.
Amstel: You know we have to open this, right?
Orion: Oh God. Why?
Amstel: I don't remember owning this, do you?
Orion: No. I don't recall ever having bought a can of pasta the size of a barrel.
Amstel: Exactly -- so if neither of us remember where we got it, then there's a chance that we also don't remember emptying it, filling it with jewels, and resealing it for later!
Orion: Open it!
Amstel: Uhh, you could give me a hand with this, jerk.
Orion: Dude, I just got this shirt cleaned. That can's all rusted and dirty.
Amstel: Jeez, you're such a girl. And what the Hell does that symbol on your shirt mean, anyway?
Orion: I'm not sure. I found it at a thrift store. Kinda reminded me of the Eye of Thundera.
Amstel:Dumpster.
Amstel: Wow, does this stuff smell awful or what?
Orion: Can we throw it away now? It's making the whole apartment stink.
Amstel: Oh like it didn't already stink. Help me pile it onto a plate. Maybe we mixed the jewels in with the pasta to defer thievery.
Orion: No! No no no no no no no NO! This is where I draw the line! I don't care if you have to keep every newspaper with a misprint and every stupid dinosaur poster on the planet, but we're throwing away this pasta!
Amstel: I didn't say we weren't, bro. I just want to make sure there's no jewels inside.
Orion:Grrrrrrr....
Orion: Well, it's official. This whole place has been infested with Chef Boyardee Stank. Good job, idiot.
Amstel: You know, viewed from the right angle, it almost looks like one of those bean bag chairs. Just shinier, and with pasta all over it.
Orion: We're not keeping it, Amstel. We're not! It's ten-year-old pasta! You just spilled a can of ten-year-old pasta all over our living room!
Amstel: You act like this is such a bad thing.
Orion: I really can't stand you sometimes! I mean, I agreed to stand here like a dolt, helping you catalog everything in the apartment for absolutely no good reason at all, and I'm justifying it to myself by thinking maybe, just maybe I'd be able to persuade you into getting rid of some of this useless crap. I've been lugging all that heavy shit up the stairs for the past two hours, and this is the thanks I get? A living room full of expired fettuccine?! What do you have to say for yourself?!
Amstel:Check!
Orion: Okay, that's it. Find yourself a new roommate.
Amstel: ...I feel like I already have!
It's no joke -- I found this crap last night at one of my favorite local delis; a place where time has no meaning and they're perfectly okay with selling "Jumpin' Jack Cheese" Doritos and six-packs of Diet Crystal Pepsi. I thought I'd cleaned the joint dry, but lo and behold, we've found another treasure. I'm not sure what year the can is from, or even if Chef Boyardee stills makes "Fettuccine," but judging from the older style logo and the layer of rust, it's obviously pretty dang old. Amstel and Orion weren't kidding about the stench -- the pasta only appeared "off" due to the several chips of can rust, but the smell firmly established its antiquity. It'll be a long time before I'm able to eat red sauce again. Oh, and while the bounty of meat may very well have been "hearty" as the can suggests in its heyday, it's now been reduced to little shrivels of what appears to be flicked pieces of snot. As for the deli that had the balls to charge me for this, it's not the first time you've seen their goods proudly displayed on X-E. Check out this really old Jell-O they sold me, and one of my personal favorites, a can of Fruity Bubble Gum Hi-C from 1992. I leave you with this:
