Storm Shadow: A Chia Pet? A Chia Pet? Cobra Commander wants us to grow a Chia Pet?!

Viper: That's right. Word down the wire's been that he thinks the Joes will never see it coming.

Storm Shadow: Of course they'll never see it coming. Who would plan their offensive around a Chia Pet?!

Viper: Us, apparently.


Storm Shadow: "Handmade Decorative Planter." Why the fuck do we have to build this?

Viper: Aw, come on. It won't be that bad. I'd rather grow a plant than sit in the trenches for two weeks, waiting for a grenade attack to shake off the boredom-induced coma. Besides, I've always wanted to make one of these.

Storm Shadow: My old buddies in the clan had a name for men who liked to garden.

Viper: ...well, what was it?

Storm Shadow: It's coming to me. Slowly.


Commander Frack: WHAT in TAR -- what do you two think you're doing? We weren't sent here to chitty and chat with our thumbs up each other's asses -- get back to work!

Storm Shadow: Yes, Commander Frack. Whatever you say.

Viper: He started it, Commander! I was being good! He even questioned our leadership's course of action!

Commander Frack: He did WHAT? In TAR?! That's two demerits, Storm Shadow. I'll be keeping my eye on you.

Storm Shadow: Oh wait -- I remember it now! "Assholes!" That's what my clan called 'em, Viper! Assholes!


Commander Frack: We got the 411 to kickstart this 911 into action by no less than 2:11, which is to say 14:11. Do you understand?

Viper: Commander! This box was not sealed! The contents may have been tampered with. We must bring it back to the department store and demand an exchange.

Commander Frack: There's no time! 911 by 14:11...DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

Storm Shadow: Someday, I swear...I'm gonna switch sides.


Storm Shadow: Commander, it appears that the so-called "potting device" has an orifice. Are we to hide explosives inside, luring the unassuming Joes in by way of enchantingly well-groomed plants?

Commander Frack: No. No bombs. We're just going to grow it. Our orders were very succinct.


Viper: Commander Frack! Look! A packet of Chia seeds! Remember the commercial jingle? "Chia - Chia - Chia!"


Commander Frack: "Chia - Chia - Chia?" That's not how it went. It was "Ch - Chia - Ch - Chia!"

Viper: No it wasn't. "Chia - Chia - Chia!"

Commander Frack: "Ch - Cheeah!" "Chuch - Chee - Yahh!"


Storm Shadow: Wait a second -- I thought it was "Chia - Ch Ch - Ch Chia!" You're both wrong!

Viper: Have you guys gone out of your mind? "Chia - Chia - Chia!" That's how the commercial went! How could you not know that?!

Commander Frack: I think the Joes hit you on the head one too many times, Viper. "Ch - Chia - Ch - Chia." Not "Chia - Chia - Chia," and definitely not "Chia - Ch Ch - Ch Chia." It was "Ch - Chia - Ch - Chia," plain and simple.

Viper: "CHIA - CHIA - CHIA!"

Storm Shadow: "CHIA - CH CH - CH CHIA!"


Grip: YOU IDIOTS! IT WAS "CH - CH - CH - CHIA!" HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE?


Commander Frack: Who the Hell are you?

Grip: I'm a Cobra soldier. I was sent here to provide backup in the most unorthodox of ways. This is why I've been suited up like a gigantic scorpion.

Commander Frack: What is your name, soldier?

Grip: Honestly, I can't remember. But two-to-one, it's a clever play on words having something to do with the giant claws covering my hands.

Commander Frack: You're probably right. I guess we'll call you "Grip."

Grip: "Grip?" I bet my old name was much cooler.


Commander Frack: Okay you three, I am your commanding officer! We will grow this Chia Pet on time, or all of you are gonna get the Hole for eight days with no water and no pillows! Get to work! Double-time, everyone, double-time!


Viper: Wow. According to this, we could've gotten a Chia Pet shaped like a dinosaur, a rabbit, a turtle, or even -- get this -- Homer Simpson!

Commander Frack: I have no idea who that is. Do they have one shaped like a falcon?

Viper: Hmmmm... I see a bunny, dinosaur, ram, turtle, sheep and snail on the list, but nope -- no falcons.

Commander Frack: Doh.


Storm Shadow: So, you're one of those new "Sand Vipers," huh? With the twelve-foot, venom-shooting tail?

Grip: You got that right. I know the claws and tail look pretty ridiculous, but hopefully the sunglasses help offset it.

Storm Shadow: They don't.

Grip: I was afraid of that.


Viper: Whatcha doing, Storm Shadow?

Storm Shadow: I am soaking the Chia Pet. The instructions said we had to do this for twenty-four hours before continuing.

Viper: How long have you been doing it for?

Storm Shadow: Twelve fucking minutes.


Commander Frack: What's going on over here?!

Storm Shadow: I am soaking the Chia Pet. The instructions said we had to do this for twenty-four hours before continuing.

Commander Frack: How long has it been now?

Storm Shadow: Fourteen minutes.

Commander Frack: Oh sweet mother of fucker, Jesus holy and shit.


LATER....

Commander Frack: Well, how long have we been sitting here?!

Storm Shadow: One hour and thirty-two minutes. We're closing in on the halfway point!

Commander Frack: Okay, let's just skip this step.


Viper: What are you doing there, Commander?

Commander Frack: Mixing the seeds with water. They're supposed to sort of, I dunno, "gel together" or something.

Viper: Strangely, they look rather palatable. Wonder if we can eat them?

Commander Frack: You know, I was just thinking the same exact thing. That is so weird.


Commander Frack: "Mix, Mixie Mixie Mix...I got yo' fix..Mix Mix, Mix Mixxx..."

Viper: Uh, Commander? Did you read the instructions thoroughly?

Commander Frack: I guesstimated, using my wealth of field experience as a reference point. Why, what's up?

Viper: Well, you are supposed to stir them, like you said. But did you read for how long you're supposed to let them "gel together" for, as you put it?

Commander Frack: How long?

Viper: Twenty-four hours.

Commander Frack: Oh sweet mother of fucker, Jesus holy and shit.


Commander Frack: Okay, okay! Everyone listen up! This is your commander speaking! Our time has run thin! We must grow this Chia Pet before my commanding officer demands a progress report! If we fail, they'll have our heads! We must do this for the sake of COBRA!


Commander Frack: I want you to put aside your personal differences, your gripes, your misgivings, your dreams and hopes and all of those fan tan tanasty things swirling around inside your heads! We are COBRA soldiers! The best of the best! Sure, the odds are stacked against us...but haven't they always been? We will rally together, fight as one -- we will grow this Chia Pet, and we'll do it for COBRA!


Storm Shadow: Man. The last time I heard a speech like that, a big shark ate Samuel L. Jackson.

Commander Frack: Storm Shadow! Grip! You two spread the seeds! Leave no crevice unseeded! Let no pore be unpoured! Smack the green stuff all over that ceramic animal! Be precise!

Grip: Commander, we've already finished! We had enough time during your speech to give this thing three coats!


Viper: Do you really think it'll grow, Commander?

Commander Frack: It better. Our lives may very well depend on it.

Viper: Maybe we shouldn't have skipped those steps...

Commander Frack: Maybe you shouldn't mention that ever again, soldier, because maybe it didn't happen! Do you understand? Never happened.


Commander Frack: Well, we might've rushed through this a bit, but I think we've done a fine job.

Viper: It's pretty beautiful, isn't it Storm Shadow?

Storm Shadow: I gotta admit...I've seen worse. What do you think, Grip?

Grip: These damn claws. I can't take off my sunglasses. What am I missing?




Grip: Don't worry, Commander. Me and Storm Shadow will cover the rear. You guys take the front.

Commander Frack: Good work, soldier. I've got a stinging suspicion that you may be up for a raise in the near future.

Grip: "Stinging" suspicion. Are you sassin' me?


Viper: So...what do we do now, Commander Frack?

Commander Frack: We sit here and we protect this thing while it grows!

Viper: Did you read the manual? Did you hear how long it's gonna take to grow?

Commander Frack: Ugh. Let me guess. "Twenty-four hours."

Viper: Nope. Up to two weeks, Commander. We've gotta sit here and watch this thing for up to two weeks.

Commander Frack: OH SWEET MOTHER OF FUCKER, JESUS HOLY AND SHIT.


Viper: Do you want to just leave, Commander? We can just leave if you want. None of us will tell the base if we just leave. Let's just leave?

Commander Frack: No! We are Cobra soldiers! We are the proud and the brave! If this Chia Pet is gonna take two weeks to grow, then we're gonna sit here for two weeks! You got that, soldiers! Two weeks for COBRA!


- Matt (1/15/03)

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