Here's a collection of advertisements, games, and sexy Kool-Aid Man pinup pages gathered from the comic book...


The three pages up above include a list of the loot available for kids wise enough to save and collect Kool-Aid Points: the small, cutout coupons on each package of Kool-Aid. After you had collected enough points (or more directly, a ton of points), you could exchange 'em for a wealth of toys and fabulous prizes.

I can't remember if I ever traded in my points for anything, but I know I collected 'em. Kool-Aid was never big in our house, but for a while, all of the kids in school would bring in their Kool-Aid points, packed neatly in white envelopes. We handed them out for various favors, whether that be holding our schoolbags, letting us copy homework, cutting someone in line, or some other minor gesture. They were like Mardi Gras beads, just less kinky. Except for that one time.

Choice items included "Go-Bots" -- these figures were exclusive to Kool-Aid and not available in stores, which was General Foods' cute way of saying that they were made of cheap plastic and absolutely sucked. There was also a "Pound Puppies" cooler -- it looked like any of the Pound Puppies dolls, but this one had been gutted to fit Kool-Aid in its stomach and keep it chilled. Hrm. (Note: due to a few e-mails, I should point out that I was joking. The doll isn't really a cooler. I hope nobody placed any bets on it.)

The best item was the "Scorch Ball," a rubbery beast shaped like Scorch's head. Kinda Madballs-esque, and you only needed 30 Kool-Aid points.


Here's a few Kool-Aid games -- the "Kool-Aid Kingdom Maze" and "Kool-Aid Word Search." In the maze, you're supposed to lead two kids through Kool-Aid Kingdom to retrieve the key from Scorch. They actually identify the kids you're helping as "Lisa and Ryan from Denver, Colorado." Either somebody won a contest, or Kool-Aid Man really took Bill Watterson's theories on specifics-over-generalities to heart.

My favorite term on the word search list? "Lemon Lagoon." You know it's a - a - awe - some. The word search is also noted as the only appearance of Kool-Aid Man wearing a giant, shelled conch over his head.


The "Kool-Aid Man Pinup Page" is pretty self-explanatory, but the "Buckle Up America!" page is a bit more interesting. Mostly because we can delight in watching the bulbous Kool-Aid Man attempt to fit himself into a seatbelt. "Remember to buckle up...it's a SNAP!" Subtlety was always one of the finer points of Kool-Aid Man's routine, evidenced by the amount of times he broke through brick walls while shouting.


If you believe the first ad, The Jets' favorite drink on the planet was Kool-Aid Koolers. The ad offers a Jets bandana for just ten proofs of purchase, and I would bet my life savings and collection of water-damaged Chinese Checkers boards that no more than ten people took 'em up on it. And eight of them were probably just obsessed with mail-order.

Oh, don't get any ideas. The offer expired on New Year's Eve of 1987. If you want a Jets bandana, you better start going to some garage sales.

The second ad offered free gifts for anyone who ate "Jell-O Gelatin Pops," which ranged from a pleasant red cherry to a putrid lavender bile. You could get magazines, stickers, or a Pressman "Trivia Adventure" game. Consider that last one the Trivial Pursuit for people who just didn't care.

Finally, the third ad gave kids the chance to dress in Tang-related clothing and accessories from head to toe. It's perhaps the most unattractively constructed print ad of all time, mixing graphs and number keys and tiny fonts with some fool wearing a Tang T-shirt and carrying a "You're #1" telephone. No Tangks.