STORM SHADOW: This is ridiculous! We've been lugging this stupid Chia Pet around for two weeks now...we're never going to find Cobra Headquarters! I thought you said you had a map!

COMMANDER FRACK: Yeah, of Argentina. I didn't specify.

STORM SHADOW: Jusssst great. Here we are, four of Cobra's finest, trapped in Gremlin bodies and forced to cultivate and carry pottery around for a month...and for what?! This is a waste of my talents!

VIPER: Look at the bright side, Storm Shadow. At least you didn't get saddled with the baby body like poor ol' Grip.

GRIP: If there is a God, this is the episode that writes me out.

STORM SHADOW: I'm going to quit Cobra, Frack! I swear it!

COMMANDER FRACK: Wait...wait a second. Look, over there! Is that what I think it is?!

VIPER: Oh my gosh... Could it be? Is it possible?

STORM SHADOW: Holy shit! We're saved!

STORM SHADOW: It's Cobra Headquarters!

VIPER: Commander Frack, you did it! You led us to base! You da bomb, man!

COMMANDER FRACK: Never speak in that manner again. Now before we approach, who are those guards?

STORM SHADOW: I know those dudes. The guy on the left is Cobra Mega-Assault Lieutenant Corporal Armgun McFarenheight.

COMMANDER FRACK: And the guy on the right?

STORM SHADOW: That's Eddie.

EDDIE: You have got to be kidding.

COMMANDER FRACK: Wait, don't shoot! We're part of the team! Snake Eyes turned us into Gremlins while we slept! Cobra Commander must change us back!

ARMGUN: So let me get this straight. You think you four monsters can waltz up to Cobra HQ, not get shot, and summon Cobra Commander for an impromptu chat? We're not guidance counselors. Give me one good reason why me and Eddie shouldn't waste you.

COMMANDER FRACK: I'll give you two. One, we're really Cobra troops. Two, those aren't real guns.

COMMANDER FRACK: Eddie, gotta listen! We had direct orders from Cobra Commander to grow this Chia Pet and return it to base! If you don't let us pass, you're disobeying his commands! You're not supposed to disobey commands from your's an oxymoron!

EDDIE: No it's not. An oxymoron is, like, if I told you I was headed right and left. What you said probably falls more under the category of irony. You've just supplied Armgun with another reason to kill you.

STORM SHADOW: Eddie! I am Storm Shadow. That's right. Storm Shadow. One of the top dogs. Most popular villain in history.

EDDIE: What about Boba Fett?

STORM SHADOW: Oh fuck him. He was in the movie for three seconds and a giant vagina in the sand ate him. I don't care what those stupid books say. I'm tops, and if you kill me, you're bottoms.

EDDIE: My goggles block out UV rays.

EDDIE: So, what do you think?

ARMGUN: Eddie, are we really to believe that this pitiful creature is one of Cobra's top troops? Really now. If they're lying, and we bring them upstairs, the Commander will banish us to the...outer reaches of reality itself!

EDDIE: You Parts Unknown?!

ARMGUN: Like Ax and Smash, and the Ultimate Warrior. Do you really want to hang out with those guys?

EDDIE: Point taken. I better ask one of our superiors for advice.

EDDIE: Commander Z, ya mind coming down here for a minute? We've got a small issue. Four of them, actually. Four small, ugly issues.

COMMANDER FRACK: Finally, we're getting results!

COMMANDER FRACK: Wait a second...who is this "Commander Z?"

VIPER: I've never heard of him. Maybe he's new? People are always going in and out of this place. What do you think, Storm Shadow?

STORM SHADOW: "Commander Z?" Hmmm. Z....Z... I'm not sure if I know who that is...unless the Z stands for...


ZARTAN: So, these creatures claim to be Cobra troopers, you say?

EDDIE: Yeah. They've got a Chia Pet and they want to see Cobra Commander. If this is one of G.I. Joe's plots, we've gotta give them credit for creativity.

STORM SHADOW: ZARTAN! It's me, Storm Shadow! Your old buddy!

ZARTAN: I was never "buddies" with Storm Shadow. Comrades, yes, but that was just business.

STORM SHADOW: Dude, we played poker! Like all the time! How could you say that?!

ZARTAN: Considering that you're a three foot creature that I could easily splatter by stepping on, I'm fairly confident that I could say whatever the fuck I want and get away with it. PS, your momma is a big fat hosebag.

COMMANDER FRACK: Zartan, listen. I am Commander Frack. I led these troops through Hell and back. My rhymes are unintentional. We are who we say we are. We're really Cobra troops!

ZARTAN: Prove it. What's the secret password for Cobra's underground base in Chile?

COMMANDER FRACK: Doesn't matter. Anybody of rank would find a way to weasel out of missions in Chile.

ZARTAN: Okay, now I believe you.

ZARTAN: ...but I'm not so sure Cobra Commander will. You know how paranoid he is. Like a fifth-time preggy while her hubby's on a business trip in Paris. We have to figure out how to transform you back to normal first.

COMMANDER FRACK: Can't you do it? I thought you had magic powers?

ZARTAN: No. One time I correctly predicted rain, and the story's kind of taken on a life of its own ever since. I'll ask one of my superiors for assistance...

EDDIE: You want me to call who?!

ZARTAN: You heard me, Eddie. He's the only one who can help these poor, ugly, putrid, disgusting, reprehensible creatures here before us. Like it or not, they're part of the team.

EDDIE: Well, okay, but I'm telling him it was your idea.

ZARTAN: Nah, blame it on Armgun. He ain't listening.

EDDIE: Cool.

EDDIE: Ahem. Ladies and Gentlemen, and Gremlins...please rise! Show some respect and salute one of the supreme officers of Cobra! Do NOT ask for an autograph! NO flash photography! Stand up, lets your hearts beat, and put your hands together for the big man...


DESTRO: This had better be good, Armgun.

ARMGUN: Huh??!